tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-370335602024-03-07T08:57:32.285-05:00 Musings by Jennifer
The thoughts, ramblings and writings of a Jesus loving Mama of 5.
Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.comBlogger1379125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-57768862882777520252023-12-31T17:00:00.001-05:002023-12-31T17:00:54.552-05:00 When all Around Our Hope Gives Way- Real Hope for the New Year<p><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">It's been a blue Christmas. One that has been marked with illness-fever, aches, pains, sniffling, congestion and wheezing, sinus infections, flu, bronchitis. My amazing intentions of having a "beach-themed Christmas" triumphantly flopped. Gorgeous white plates that are lined with conch shells and sea stars, scored at the thrift store, sit on the table unused. The beautiful shells never turned into ornaments. And my sand sits in tubes that were supposed to hold pine branches. Oh me and my idealistic, romantic ideas. Oh me and my putting hope into something false, something unlasting, something intangible.</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15-98QrhM_E9mltX4cHbE-MYzDnmm0Csrc68BE7EAXIWSrMGHwLqJCE_MOSnGUofxF2CRoQTiCS3dg0kGMkxPXfmo_2hndQiStfvViKpozgFNHJXEfzsWvS5NPhGit8VbWZihSVVqoJh9hyseEqqfXvksFcCs_e0iyQEg9F7PAs9A_8FL4TdL/s800/2e2d63b56b3a94061b181c136e3b473f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="543" data-original-width="800" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15-98QrhM_E9mltX4cHbE-MYzDnmm0Csrc68BE7EAXIWSrMGHwLqJCE_MOSnGUofxF2CRoQTiCS3dg0kGMkxPXfmo_2hndQiStfvViKpozgFNHJXEfzsWvS5NPhGit8VbWZihSVVqoJh9hyseEqqfXvksFcCs_e0iyQEg9F7PAs9A_8FL4TdL/s320/2e2d63b56b3a94061b181c136e3b473f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;"><p>All in all I'm doing well. I'm much recovered. I don't wish for a "quick end" like I was begging God for between coughing spasms a couple weeks ago. But there is a sadness deep in my bones. A depression I've been unable to shake in all my attempts of trying to create my own light. There is a dizzying superficial rendering of this pathetic attempt for fulfillment. For the perfect wrapped packages. For the baked Christmas cookies. For the carols sung by a fire. For snow.</p></span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Not a single Christmas card went out this year. No baked goods for neighbors. No candlelight service for me. </p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve been deeply invested in Advent reading. Reminders of God’s coming and dwelling among us in the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. The anticipation of His return… My advent candles didn’t get burned in the right order but my heart anticipated and reflected on my need for Jesus.</p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>All else fails. All else pales. All else leaves us longing for more. Only Jesus. Give Me Jesus. </b></p><p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He is the Only One (thing/person/place) that brings Hope. This isn’t the end dear ones. If your Christmas was lagging. If the candles didn’t add enough light and you could only see the long shadows. It’s okay. If the gifts were disappointing or non-existent it’s okay. If the relationships didn’t mend. If the grief was still present. If the cookies and treats didn’t satisfy. If the friendships were still broken. If the person still wouldn’t speak to you. If all your hopes failed… it’s okay. </p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Because dear ones, our hope is not in this world. There is something greater coming for us.</p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I have dreaded this new year because I don’t “feel” hope. I feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and broken. I feel like a failure and empty… but there is one who came and dwelt among us. He knows the pain of disappointment. He knows of broken relationships. He knows of hurts and pain and grief and loss. And this amazing perfect God humbled Himself to become like us. He took on flesh and came as a humble babe. He allowed Himself to be amongst the imperfect, the inefficient, the broken. Those running away and hiding from pain, shame and guilt. Or burying themselves in addiction to numb their true selves. Or fighting, overachieving, striving, seeking perfection. He came for us all. He came to give us Hope. He came to give us true rest that we can rest in His good work and perfection. He came to give us restoration with the Father. He came to give us perfect Shalom-wholeness and peace. He came to bring us joy! He came to set us free! </p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Our strivings can cease. We can lay down the heavy burdens. We can empty our broken pieces of ourselves. We can receive His love. His light. His hope.</b></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Dear ones, it’s exhausting to be alive. It’s overwhelming. It’s downright depressing. But our beautiful Jesus give us real and lasting hope. He will never forsake. He will never fail. He will never cease. And when we are in Him, our hope is secure. It’s unshakeable. It’s satisfying. We aren’t home yet… one day we will be. </p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Until then. Hang on. hold on. Jesus has you and He promises He will never let you go. </p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Don’t worry about the resolutions. The promises to better yourself. To do better this year. Run to Jesus instead. Rest in Him. Rely on Him. Tell Him your troubles, your dreams, your hopes, your disappointments. Ask Him what He wants of you in this New Year… because only He will never let you down.</p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">With the knowledge that the God of the Universe is on the throne… and His goodness is coming for you! Rejoice. Rest. Rejuvenate. Take hope. Take Joy. Take love. He has overcome the world… Happy New Year!</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-8275770324195190782023-03-21T13:03:00.004-04:002023-03-21T13:03:56.393-04:00Surrendering in the Midst of Anxiety<p> <br /><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px;">Last week just thinking about what was happening this week had me reeling. 12 appointments including neurosurgery followup, neurology, and Samuel’s annual cancer clinic late effects program. My anxiety and stress were through the roof. I took some time to find some pockets of time where I could create a little recovery. A little breathing room.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixFvNgjZKJOhvFZTnUUP3NjOj0f_359ARcdAy2nUBoQ9iH0mDpkKWfUHdrAQB1g54G8M7DIOOmCO_QnZ8wRmHFB0i_N9v51JNC9zBd4pzFxjbw7ZMkXoAP8ddB6_F3lze7sz1BwnFaAO3Oo25dVHok1hE8Td_HLGarlxkKhvGUihIWRtuaQg/s3088/IMG_8815.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixFvNgjZKJOhvFZTnUUP3NjOj0f_359ARcdAy2nUBoQ9iH0mDpkKWfUHdrAQB1g54G8M7DIOOmCO_QnZ8wRmHFB0i_N9v51JNC9zBd4pzFxjbw7ZMkXoAP8ddB6_F3lze7sz1BwnFaAO3Oo25dVHok1hE8Td_HLGarlxkKhvGUihIWRtuaQg/s320/IMG_8815.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><p></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>I took some time to remind myself of all the good things- big and little. The red tulips coming up in my yard… hot tea with cream. Enjoying taking two of the kids to the zoo. Clean water to drink and bathe in. A working vehicle. A laptop and phone. A hot bath with epsom salts. A nicely scented candle. A snuggly blanket.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>I’ve also built in some time this week to take care of myself so that I can function and be at my best. I’m taking my hydration and nutrition seriously.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Reading God’s Word. Memorizing Ephesians. Listening to worship music. Practicing breathing.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Leaning into the letting go and surrender. Do I really believe that God is in control… that His plans for me are ultimately for good and for His glory?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>In general yes I do. Honestly though I’ve found myself annoyed and irritated easily. My reflexes are hyper vigilant. Anxious in the car. Trying to calm my nervous system… not easy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>It’s a process friends. It’s not perfect. And God knows I’m far from perfect but I’m progressing. I’m moving forward in healing… in my brain, my body, my spirit, my heart. Going to read a book in<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the sunshine before my dental cleaning. Breathe. Drink some water. And maybe later I will dance while cooking in the kitchen…</b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Wherever you are… up, down, surviving, thriving, I wish you JOY! You are exactly where you are meant to be. Sending hope to you and much love.</b></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-43612254488182970762022-12-31T09:47:00.001-05:002022-12-31T09:47:53.669-05:00Hope AFTER Christmas: Concussions, CT Scans and letting go of my expectations.<p> I tried today to get on social media to see if I could handle it for a few minutes but I couldn't. After giving a few comments and likes I could feel my head tighten and my eyes were not happy with me. </p><p>A couple days ago I had posted I would do a Facebook live... and then I didn't.</p><p>Life is a little like that right now. Wanting to do something, expecting myself to be able to do said thing and then being unable to.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQGhWU-jpzYojk_vb41UuW6Ys1FSn_LfycfM6yt2FlOSVgvDwEY8nzyN0Dh6GO-ZeeD5R7-n7Ds5Y8AaGOXTlc-aytIlBhBtskiuImwtpXbJH47HRd_yIWF0nmM_1Wr4qc0JzVk8FGJz1xMPAlc3CRpThbfK30qFiK8xkiT3R22XeelGvA0Q/s3088/IMG_6140.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQGhWU-jpzYojk_vb41UuW6Ys1FSn_LfycfM6yt2FlOSVgvDwEY8nzyN0Dh6GO-ZeeD5R7-n7Ds5Y8AaGOXTlc-aytIlBhBtskiuImwtpXbJH47HRd_yIWF0nmM_1Wr4qc0JzVk8FGJz1xMPAlc3CRpThbfK30qFiK8xkiT3R22XeelGvA0Q/s320/IMG_6140.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><p></p><p>Right now I can't drive. Watching certain movements like my husband swiping his phone makes me dizzy. Right now the only exercise I'm allowed is walking. <br /></p><p>I have pain in my neck and shoulders and it likes to creep down my back. I have numbness and tingling in my left arm and my left leg. </p><p>At the end of January I will receive another CT scan and follow up with neurosurgery. Hopefully brain bleed will be resolved and I will be given permission to drive again. </p><p>Right now I'm faced with limitations, and decreased capacity, and I will be honest- I love to fight myself. I'm not good at resting. I hate feeling "unproductive". Mike likes to remind me that the most productive thing I can do is rest, so that I CAN heal. UGH! </p><p>When I try to do the things I shouldn't I'm holding myself back from healing. I'm withholding what my body needs from moving forward. </p><p>I had expectations of what I imagined the last day of the year 2022 would be like. And it's not living up to it. I wanted to reflect on the past year. I wanted to set new goals. I wanted to celebrate. Instead I find myself curled up in bed. I'm in pain. I'm exhausted. I'm weary. Christmas has passed and the lights and the fizzle are gone. I feel dreary and desolate and grey. I feel like I'm still in Advent... awaiting and preparing for the Christ to come.... and guess what friends, we are. We are still in Advent AFTER Christmas.</p><p>After the glittery wrapping paper is all torn up at our feet. After the shrieks of delight from children and the oohs and aaahs of opening gifts- we are still waiting. Waiting for our Savior to come and redeem us from this mess.</p><p>And here is the Hope my darlings, He is coming. He will return. He will make all things new. </p><p>We are still in the waiting. It's okay to feel dreary and down. It's okay to feel the letdown of after Christmas as the winter light sets in and is grey and bleary. It's okay to be broken and messy and not have it together... that's when He bids us come. We can come to Him. We can bring our burdens at His feet.</p><p>I feel pressure to be "better by now" and I'm not. And it's okay. God knows where I'm at. I have to release the expectations of others. I have to release my own expectations of my self. And know that here in the quiet. In the waiting. He is here. And He will come again. </p><p>Today I will let myself be what it is. The good and the bad. They both exist in the same time and space. I will look for every glimmer of good... the kindness of my husband making my favorite morning protein drink- creamy chocolate shake with almond milk and cold brew. Snuggling my kids close and getting kisses from our dogs. Thankful for warm blankets and beautifully scented candles. Thankful for hot tea. For my kindle with a dark mode so I can read. (Um, I have read 6 books since my head injury). Thankful for a safe home. thankful for warmth. And for light in the darkness. And I'm thankful that even in my suffering I can draw close to the one who suffered in my place. So that one day there will be no more suffering. One day there will be no more sickness, no more death, no more tears of pain or sorrow. </p><p>I hope you can celebrate jubilantly today. I hope you feel festive and excited for this New Year. I hope you set and achieve amazing goals. I hope you enjoy time with family and friends. And also, if you are sad or lonely, or working a difficult job, or feeling broken and hopeless and weary please know, you are not alone. And this is not the end. Hang in there my friends. I truly believe the best is yet to come. </p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-41080943480452259482022-08-08T14:46:00.005-04:002022-08-08T14:46:56.009-04:00A Hike Deferred...<p> <span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">When I began my health journey October 7, 2019 one of my why’s was to be able to do a hike with Rescue Freedom (now called Atlas Free). It had been one of my deepest wishes to change my health so dramatically that I could do a significant hike in the mountins… that I would be strong enough to. That my cardio could keep up. That my knees wouldn’t give out. Etc.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"> </span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjsl6OVXBBVsqJgGpyLBLJGV1HkNGme_79oNEuaSNob1b6KONfcFGy6BGjrpHFXoUW9fHAVrkZX9Y7wDP49JiEbTHM6vDJfcWyxx72g_WSA3Kt-oyuuLw7PFNwJbACOLFgOOQJxor1v-x0Q6TfrMUfmV9y2Pap1L6rwbQJSvYviGZ9iFmNA/s2507/IMG_0136.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2507" data-original-width="2116" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjsl6OVXBBVsqJgGpyLBLJGV1HkNGme_79oNEuaSNob1b6KONfcFGy6BGjrpHFXoUW9fHAVrkZX9Y7wDP49JiEbTHM6vDJfcWyxx72g_WSA3Kt-oyuuLw7PFNwJbACOLFgOOQJxor1v-x0Q6TfrMUfmV9y2Pap1L6rwbQJSvYviGZ9iFmNA/s320/IMG_0136.JPG" width="270" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Mike and I have been so looking forward to being in the mountains of Idaho this week. We had planned, trained, prepared, purchased all our supplies including hiking poles. Been breaking in our hiking shoes. So it was with deep disappointment when we had to say no.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Ugh. This wasn’t the plan. <br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What started with the transmission of our 12 passenger van<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>going out along with a delayed start for them joining me in Atlanta escalated into this sense that we were not supposed to go. Other factors were coming to play against us going. I was so curious as to why not? Why no? What was God telling us?</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Upon our return our home we came down withy symptoms and a day later Mike tested positive for Covid. I was negative but had all the Covid symptoms. I felt sad that we weren’t able to participate but also grateful that we didn’t share Covid on a plane… as well as our hiking team… and then been trapped, quarantined and unable to hike in Idaho.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So back to the present. We donated our plane ticket $ for the hike.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We are continuing to trust God and His perfect timing for our lives. We aren’t done fundraising and we sure as heck are still going to hike. I have hopes of October 7th being our time to hike… to celebrate my 3 year healthiversary somewhere in the mountains of VA.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unfortunately, the algorithm on the “book de face”, has limited our reach to who is actually seeing our fundraising posts. Maybe they thought we were trying to promote a product?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So what is the fundraising hike about? It’s to raise fund for an organization called Atlas Free (formerly known as Rescue Freedom). Their name has changed but their goal is the same to eradicate human trafficking.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> All money through our linked fundraiser is to benefit directly Atlas Free! (We don't receive any financial benefit)</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It says in the Bible, “a hope deferred makes the heart sick.” (Proverbs 3:12)… it goes on to say though… “but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The goal was never the hike. The hike is the celebration of doing a work to help women and kids be set free and brought into rehabilitation… but to be able to prevent it from happening in the first place is another part of the great work Atlas Free is doing.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Would you join us? </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Join us in praying! </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Join us by sharing the post and or QR code! </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And if you’re willing to donate... we’d love your financial partnership… </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Until All Are Free…</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Coffee Money? Date Night? Giving Fund? A little extra bonus? You can Donate <a href="https://give.rescuefreedom.org/fundraiser/3680727" target="_blank">here</a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Qc0w3uTuW5MEljIYvBtRhrqjIGCTwHAbV4HktXUhiu8HGKejVD8PiLc9OXbUMYPuhqomMkZkzgI-lQVadTw18dh7gxfQHKPwuJwzs8jhLNGx6iQAm9Ji6WWVHwomiUV2DtA1UIOxi7lGxXs4ALm9RE0Tg1OqS-HDGHQ6-M4tm71wgdocyA/s870/Screen%20Shot%202022-05-27%20at%208.47.46%20AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="834" data-original-width="870" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2Qc0w3uTuW5MEljIYvBtRhrqjIGCTwHAbV4HktXUhiu8HGKejVD8PiLc9OXbUMYPuhqomMkZkzgI-lQVadTw18dh7gxfQHKPwuJwzs8jhLNGx6iQAm9Ji6WWVHwomiUV2DtA1UIOxi7lGxXs4ALm9RE0Tg1OqS-HDGHQ6-M4tm71wgdocyA/w245-h235/Screen%20Shot%202022-05-27%20at%208.47.46%20AM.png" width="245" /></a></div><p></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-42929914858712076072022-01-23T14:44:00.000-05:002022-01-23T14:44:04.758-05:00Letting Go of Judgments. Embracing My Thoughts & Emotions. Taking Responsibility. Surrendering Control.<p> Ugh. I don't want to be that person. I know I didn't want to hear it for myself. But the thought came to me earlier this week that I am where I am in life because of the choices I've made. Good and bad. Habits. Systems. Relationships. So many choices that have gotten me to where I am today.</p><br /><p>This isn't a declaration of autonomy or personal sovereignty, but a recognition of responsibility and calling.</p><p>All in all, I am so thankful for where I am. But there are areas where I need to take ownership...</p><p>Let me give an example: becoming resentful when I see a sink full of dishes. </p><p>Instead, I need to recognize my family is able to help. I can remind them to take responsibility for their cereal bowls or baking endeavors. But often I roll my eyes, plunge in, depriving them of an opportunity to grow, and grumble that I only came to the kitchen to fill my water bottle.</p><p>I am not saying that I can't or shouldn't serve my family. There will always be chances for me to bless and serve and a long list of chores I like to do and those I don't. What I'm recognizing is that I don't need to give in to a compulsion. Nursing anger and resentment, or taking on a martyr complex is my own bad choice. It's not on my kids. Or my husband. Or the dogs. Or my friends. Or other family members.</p><p>It's not the laundry, dishes, vacuuming/sweeping/dusting/cleaning or the lack thereof... It's how I am choosing to relate in my heart to situations and expectations. </p><p>Perhaps I need to enforce some consequences. Maybe it means that there should be no screen time until things are picked up/put away/cleaned/in order. It will help my children if I take the time to show them how it's properly done.</p><p>But I choose how I use my time and how I dwell on things that don't happen according to my preferences.</p><p>I choose how I respond to things.</p><p>I choose my attitude and focus.</p><p>I choose whether or not I let go of my first reaction. I will have thoughts and feelings... and I can't always control having them. Good ones and bad ones. But I can choose how I respond to them. Do they become the thing in me that spreads like a bitter root that I won't let go of? Or will I see them as growth opportunities?</p><p>Old Pattern: I would have a bad thought and then feel bad about having a bad thought. And then be angry that I wasn't able to let go of the bad thought. </p><p>Instead, I can say, "hm. that was a bad thought. Let's let that go." Inhale. Exhale.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgubR8mFyXMS-hWMygNpNUpUAc22UieBR6kY95FL79a57SYqmAnAlhweZwu8gVyPISNaQyh7J0KCRDTkBxDjON1AmBF65aP6KPxJyLeGHWb50GHYVH5B9Mb5uXd9W4BlswI-aJqk9IeMgOB0KbVsqCbd2yYbKoowrDIl4dcmO5WX_dZEOqnmQ=s290" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="163" data-original-width="290" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgubR8mFyXMS-hWMygNpNUpUAc22UieBR6kY95FL79a57SYqmAnAlhweZwu8gVyPISNaQyh7J0KCRDTkBxDjON1AmBF65aP6KPxJyLeGHWb50GHYVH5B9Mb5uXd9W4BlswI-aJqk9IeMgOB0KbVsqCbd2yYbKoowrDIl4dcmO5WX_dZEOqnmQ" width="290" /></a></div>For those who are familiar with the Enneagram I am a 2. The Helper. I see needs and want to meet them. But I struggle to take care of my own needs. I don't value myself worthy of having my needs met. <p></p><p>Moving forward I am asking myself some questions: </p><p>Am I doing this to prove something/gain approval? Is this about taking care of myself and meeting my needs or projecting myself on to someone else's needs that I haven't been asked to meet? Am I trying to do something to garner attention or validation? Two's struggle with needing be okay with every relationship in their lives in order for themselves to be okay. Am I okay even when someone else is unhappy/unpleased with me? Is this something that I am responsible for or is this appropriate for someone else to attend to?</p><p>So it's all a learning thing. A process. A journey.</p><p>Learning to accept things I can't change. So many of those: my sister's death, Samuel's cancer, my parents divorce, etc. </p><p>Learning to take ownership of myself: my choices, behaviors, actions, words. </p><p>Learning to release my thoughts and emotions. Trusting God that He is enough and He is at work and that I don't have to strive for perfection. He is perfect. I don't have to look to my good works for righteousness. His righteousness is already applied to me. I don't need to seek the approval of others. I'm living for the audience of One. </p><p>Seeking Him for wisdom. Trusting His grace is enough. </p><p>I left the room to attend to something. Coming back into the room and recognizing that I needed to once again hear what I wrote. I have not arrived friends. But in the recognizing I hope that I am growing!</p><p>What are you recognizing in your own life? What do you struggle with? Where do you see yourself growing?</p><p><br /></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-61238023637003994402021-12-16T09:18:00.000-05:002021-12-16T09:18:12.438-05:00Cancer Clinic at Christmas Time: I am More than What I Do/Don't Do<p> Cancer Clinic today.</p><p>And I'm not the one taking him. <br /></p><p>Does that make me a bad Mom? </p><div><br /></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWwqL5gzeUwTsBSgQO592iqqbQfas6P2AG7_qaswDG6FQsFzzVLRdZ-SuYsgOat41XBoLzUJZkzMBJPr5fpfOrV8QyM8bz4yo3saFk1-hKYpvwj3Ha7cyW_QtjZoMieXllBbeN/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1920" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWwqL5gzeUwTsBSgQO592iqqbQfas6P2AG7_qaswDG6FQsFzzVLRdZ-SuYsgOat41XBoLzUJZkzMBJPr5fpfOrV8QyM8bz4yo3saFk1-hKYpvwj3Ha7cyW_QtjZoMieXllBbeN/" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p>I have tears already converging at the corners of my eyes. I am trying to blink them back. </p><p>Walking THOSE halls. Seeing THOSE Docs. Hearing all THOSE words... all the other future looming disasters/cancers/potential heartaches to come... and my husband is the one taking them on for me. </p><p>I am being benched. Not sure if I'm being benched by Mike or if I am benching myself. It's already been a doozy of a few weeks. Working through some very difficult past traumas and heartaches...</p><p>Not for a moment would I think Mike was a bad Dad if he didn't take Samuel. But I feel like a bad Mom.</p><p>You see I get so caught up in who I am being based on what I am doing. If I am doing the dishes or the laundry or making the meals I can add stars to my chart. When I'm wrapping presents or sending out Christmas cards or facilitating hot chocolate and gingerbread houses... When I'm doing the Advent Readings and Adding the Jesse Tree ornaments or reading the names of God... then I'm good.</p><p>But what if being in Christ means I am good because I simply am. I breathe. I exist. </p><p>What if that whole thing of God not only forgiving my every sin and wiping every debt away didn't stop there? But what if the perfect righteousness of Christ was applied to me! Guess what- Spoiler Alert- IT IS!!!</p><p>So what does that mean? It means I can never go wrong. I can never do bad. I am ALWAYS ENOUGH! What?!</p><p>Let me confess. I have been saved since I asked Jesus to be my Savior at 5... but sometimes all the truth that goes with it is still catching up to me. </p><p>What if I am allowed to have joy now? What if I can have peace now? What if I can be grateful to my husband for being an amazing Papa, what my kids call him, and recognize that doesn't mean I'm a bad Mom. I'm not failing or falling short.</p><p>Here's the thing guys. I'm not saying I have arrived. I am not perfect. I sin. I screw up big time... BUT in the eyes of the One that matters most I don't. He sees Christ. He sees perfection. He sees no sin. </p><p>So I want to try this on for size... what if I can walk around without all the guilt, the judgment, the bad I feel about and towards myself and instead choose to see me as God does- wholly and dearly loved? That feels a little scary but mostly absolutely wonderful... that sounds like a bathtub I want to soak in.</p><p>So I'm reminding myself I don't have to earn it. It's not anything I am doing. Hmm... What?! I can relax. Breathe. I can do the things that want and need doing but it doesn't limit or define me! I am more than what I do?! I don't have to be perfect?! I don't have to have it all together?! I am enough as I am. What glorious news!</p><p>So I sit and rejoice in my Savior this morning. His good work is enough. I breathe in this Emmanuel... God With Us... who put on flesh... who came as a small helpless babe... and came to rescue us. He thinks I am worth it. He thinks you are worth it. </p><p>So whether it's cancer clinic or dishes and laundry or caring for clients I can relax and trust God. His love for me isn't based on what I do or don't do... he's not looking to my accomplishments. I am covered in Christ. So I can exhale praise. I can rejoice. I am enough... because He is more than enough for me.</p><p><br /></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-70365072477436400662021-08-29T08:14:00.002-04:002021-08-29T08:14:57.181-04:00The Beautiful Letdown: Trusting God When Our Hopes Disappoint<p> It came from out of nowhere. </p><p>We were so content. We knew the plan. We had a vision for what was next. </p><p>And then out of nowhere an incredible opportunity fell into our laps. </p><p>And then it was encouraged again and again. </p><p>So we sought it out. This beautiful opportunity. And the doors kept opening. and opening. and opening. Everything seemed to line up in that way that you know it's from God's hand. And with these opening doors came a growing excitement. A peace that this was the next step. A joy that so many desires and passions and giftings were culminating in an expression of calling we had never imagined. </p><p>Friday the door slammed shut. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizeUzGirYYpUPfX_mKyZiteYiQqqQgMCHNjiLB5xzoozb_tQB1S-XW1asaK4J_KTe0beDqBQjs5taOi7S7Lb7MAfDYVgPRIYn5JsmjO1SkJF_DoQQ08XoTn8gdmZEMtCZzKroa/s640/R.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizeUzGirYYpUPfX_mKyZiteYiQqqQgMCHNjiLB5xzoozb_tQB1S-XW1asaK4J_KTe0beDqBQjs5taOi7S7Lb7MAfDYVgPRIYn5JsmjO1SkJF_DoQQ08XoTn8gdmZEMtCZzKroa/s320/R.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>I wish I could say I responded beautifully. I felt sucker punched. Like the bottom dropped out. I felt like my world stopped moving but it continued onward spiraling so fast I couldn't keep up. I didn't want to eat. It hurt to breathe.</p><p>My prayers prior were "Lord, our hope is in you not in new circumstances." And I believed that with all of my heart. But I also acknowledged that we were either about to be abundantly blessed or in a very difficult position. And we didn't receive the abundant blessing... We knew everything was going to change or nothing at all. Actually it felt like our position would become increasingly more stressful, frustrating, and overwhelming.</p><p>So where is God in all this? He's right with us. He's not surprised. I confess though I had anticipated a different outcome. I had asked for signs and received them. I had asked people's opinions and for prayers and they saw the Lord in this with us...</p><p>So what was this all about? I still feel firmly committed that God is in this. That He is at work. That He is shaking something up and doing a new thing. I don't see the path though. Before it was clear and visible and it was just a step-by-step forward... now it's a dark unknown. The lights are out. The darkness is what I see. But I feel him reaching for my hand and putting my small hand in his large one and saying, "This is the way walk in it."</p><p>Mike and I have had challenges. We have faced much adversity and hardship. We have suffered. We have grieved significant losses. We have undergone much trauma. The path we were on seemed to be a place of promise.. A place of redemption, restoration and hope. And now.. this nothing. Now this disconcerting walking down the stairs and missing a step feeling. A jarring mis-step. </p><p>God is still at the helm. He is still leading us and we are following. But we are curious... Lord, what was this about? We were fine before and now we feel discontent. You showed us something not just good but amazing and seemingly perfect and then you withheld it from us... what are you doing God? What do you want to teach us? What do you want to reveal to us? What do you want us to know?</p><p>It was enough to be dragged through this whole process but we also got our children involved. And our families and our friends and our church... and it breaks my heart to say, "This wasn't it. The answer was no." To now have to go and disappoint others who were hoping with us. Excited for us. </p><p>Libby told me Friday night after many hours of processing the 3 things she knew about God at this time and I thought I would share them here... because they are beautiful and true.</p><p><span> 1.) God loves us.</span><br /></p><p><span><span> 2.) God is good.</span><br /></span></p><p><span><span><span> 3.) God has good things for us.</span><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span><span>I confess, this does not feel good. So isn't it wonderful that my feelings and reality do not have to align?! It doesn't have to feel good to be good. We can trust God's plan. We can trust His purposes. We know God is working all things together for our good for those who love God and are calling according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We know every good and perfect gift is from Him! (James 1:17) He is our good Father. There are so many verses on this but I especially enjoy "</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;">What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”Luke 11:11-13</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">He is not a withholding God. If He is withholding this from us it's for our good. </span></div><p></p><p>Yesterday Mike and I experienced a powerful time for prayer in our bedroom. It was beautiful to feel God's presence and nearness. To come before Him and cry out to Him and ask God for wisdom and direction and to change our hearts and spirit. It was amazing to feel the shift in my heart. I believe Mike felt it too. </p><p>We are still disappointed. We are still confused about what's next but we will continue to seek God and follow Him. And we know that He will be what He has always been... faithful!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-4930651981121842122021-05-13T13:05:00.001-04:002021-05-13T13:05:56.331-04:00Not deaf enough... trusting God and His timing<p> So the report, the latest update on Samuel, long story made short... he’s not deaf enough. Eventually he will get cochlear implant surgery but not yet. To make matters worse the surgeon wants him to go back to standard hearing aids instead of the crossover that he’s currently using. It’s hard to explain why this is frustrating but basically it feels like we are going backwards and making his hearing much worse.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj5aznTlpX5NcSfgfGN7FpVc17n4M1pcKNcx0_RraCJfv46ZYEYNsTVR2QyWgEA-xPjOIATVSRNmV1uYsLzgDjXRij4wCpncG6wowKzGEHBbMeb0kIgGZGi4K0WMFDfvCYLTgP/s4032/IMG_5615.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj5aznTlpX5NcSfgfGN7FpVc17n4M1pcKNcx0_RraCJfv46ZYEYNsTVR2QyWgEA-xPjOIATVSRNmV1uYsLzgDjXRij4wCpncG6wowKzGEHBbMeb0kIgGZGi4K0WMFDfvCYLTgP/s320/IMG_5615.jpeg" /></a></div><br />I’m struggling with anger. Struggling not being in control. <p></p><p>His tests are too inconsistent. He is repeating back word sounds. He is good at mimicking... even though he’s not comprehending. But beeps made at the same volume as weirds he doesn’t hear at all.</p><p>I wish I could show the challenges he faces in daily life. How it affects school, work, play, church, family time. Insurance companies don’t care about that.</p><p>I’m angry and I’m in tears. I want to trust God. I want to believe He is good and faithful and His timing is perfect. And I am struggling.</p><p>We haven’t told him yet. We will. And here is the amazing thing about Samuel. He will, 99% sure, have a positive and amazing attitude... so why can’t I?</p><p>I was sharing with Mike how blessed we are that Samuel has such a positive outlook. The way he sees life is through a fantastic filter. I said so many people could hear what he is able to hear but would hear negativity and lack. He hears abundance. He is always taking what he hears or thinks he hears and is putting the most positive spin on possible. I love this kids brain. Hardwired to believe the best.</p><p>I got away for a couple nights. I read books and drank coffee while it was still hot. I looked through old pictures and prepared them for scrapbooking. I listened to worship music. I did face scrubs and masks. I ate food I didn’t have to cook. I pondered and cried and slept.</p><p>Now to go back and face “real” life. Asking God to give me strength and walk with me step by step through the many challenges we are facing. As I looked back at pictures, some from my wedding, some from Samuel’s cancer treatment, births of children, pictures of those who have now passed, pictures of relationships now broken... pictures of g-tubes now removed, pictures of toddlers now teens... I marvel. I marvel at the heartache and I marvel at the Healer. He never promised it would be easy... but He promised He would never fail, leave or abandon us. So as I continue moving forward I am putting my hope and trust in Him and who He says He is.</p><p>So maybe I’m the one who needs my ears opened, because clearly Samuel’s hearing isn’t the one that needs fixing... maybe it’s me. Lord help me hear you. Help me believe.</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-1043961785176764802021-05-09T09:28:00.002-04:002021-05-09T09:28:17.419-04:00Mother's Day: Celebrating Christ in our Joys, Struggles & Heartaches<p>I must confess that I hope for and long for and desire ideals. So my ideal Mother's Day would be somehow magically my kids wake up and shower and get ready for church and maybe someone would pause to make me a cup of hot tea on a tray with a flower and a card.</p><p>Instead, reality occurs. Mike is gone to worship team so he's away early. He was sweet and left me my favorite shake at my bedside. Libby (my only girl) went with him. Smart move. The boys are yelling at each other. Impatient. Unkind. And I even heard the word, "butt head" screamed towards another brother.</p><p>Boys are piling in their shower and also using my bathroom to shower so I can't get dressed or ready for church. My shower curtain was also put in the tub instead of outside the tub and is now completely drenched. The small irritations of the day beginning to pile up.</p><p>It's mother's day but it feels like a day more of how can we annoy Mom than anything. I deal with the anger and shame of myself for wanting to be celebrated today. This is not my day. Motherhood is not about getting what you want. It's about sacrifice and giving to others and laying down your life, your desires. And learning to breathe in the midst of chaos.</p><p>And as I rant about my mornings struggles I am reminded of others that have it so much worse... those that long to be Moms and can't. Those who have miscarried and lost babies along the way. Those that have lost their Mom's and are bearing the pain and grief of that loss. Those that have aborted their babies and lament their loss. Single Mom's who don't have the support of a partner to bear their burdens and share their joys. So in comparison, I have it pretty dang good. </p><p>But I think God's heart is bigger than all of this. Bigger than my pettiness. Bigger than comparison. And also bigger than the loss, grief, heartache that is being carried. His heart is that He loves us. He knows us. He knows our individual struggles and weaknesses and heartbreaks and heartaches and longs to comfort us. He knows what it is to be in trenches... the never ending diapers and spit up and cleaning up vomit and applying wash cloths to fevered heads. He knows the mental and emotional anguish of unmet expectations and hopes deferred. He knows the heartbreak of the wandering child who is running as far away as possible into a pit.</p><p>He understands the prodigal child. He understands the toddler tantrums. He relates to us as women. I love the imagery that is used in Luke (13:34)... that He longs to gather us like a hen gathers her chicks to her breast. Or Isaiah 45:19... would you forget the child that you are nursing how much more will He not forget you! He has that intimacy towards us.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYEb5ygu3EBeNE5DHCnDCK6030K01pcIvYVxVWvK20A8bIik1mSl_JPqw4hTnhB5SCjbcl8aRnKGEnEhkUjyG6P4csQWr8hPrNtbYd082d1KKmSOeDeLPnlsNYZ79E7-0cumgS/s800/cdc28e9fbd6ec8c6b01d55cff4002f3b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="541" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYEb5ygu3EBeNE5DHCnDCK6030K01pcIvYVxVWvK20A8bIik1mSl_JPqw4hTnhB5SCjbcl8aRnKGEnEhkUjyG6P4csQWr8hPrNtbYd082d1KKmSOeDeLPnlsNYZ79E7-0cumgS/s320/cdc28e9fbd6ec8c6b01d55cff4002f3b.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>So I pause and listen... the shower head is dripping in my bathroom. Apparently my kids have forgotten how to turn the shower all the way off... life is imperfect. It's full of small annoyances and the mind-numbing mundane at times. it's not all glorious. It's not all instagram pic worthy, right?! But it's good. </p><p>It's good to train the kids you have. Every time you clean a spill or make a meal or drive the kid to the activity we can do it as unto Christ. Motherhood has been about making me a different person. A little more kind. A little more slow to speak. It's also a constant reminder how I am in need of a Savior. I need Jesus. We need Jesus friends. We can't do this apart from Him. His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our weakness. In our weakness friends. Not in perfection or picture perfect living. Not in having the best made most beautiful homes or meals or activities.</p><p>I hope you feel loved and celebrated today if you are a Mom. And if your hope was deferred of being a Mom that you feel loved, seen, known and important. And if you lost your Mom that you feel God's closeness to you. </p><p>Whatever season of life you are in you are known my friends. not just merely known, but perfectly loved. Praying blessings over your day. Happy Mother's Day!</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-4111889294048052832021-04-19T13:10:00.003-04:002021-04-19T13:10:42.565-04:00Pennies: reminder of God's faithfulness through an ordinary coin<p> <b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px;">Some people have rose petals thrown down the aisle on their wedding day, I chose pennies.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>To me it’s a symbol of God’s faithfulness. Pennies have been this small but consistent reminder of God’s love for me. His love that never fails. I can’t tell you how many times I have found pennies... usually on tough days and even in different parts of the world. I remember an unusually difficult day in Australia (during my Missions school) finding an American penny. What a gift from the Lord. </b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><br /></b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>He sees me. He knows me. He loves me.</b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>I remember the day I was at my sisters gravesite with her casket waiting to be lowered... I laid several pennies on her casket... it was my declaration that even in the midst of tragedy and heart break... my God is faithful!</b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>My most recent trip I found a dime and a nickel and over the course of several days I found 3 or 4 pennies. I loved finding this one. Damaged and rather worn, stuck in the crack of an asphalt road. God takes the old things, the worn out things and loves them. He knows every ding and dent. Every marring. Every discoloration. He loves and accepts and knows me... and calls me beautiful. I am not damaged goods. I am whole and lovely in His sight.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8KBaG_F7er3N3hWQMzktkUajUG2_nlHanpocu9Vv-N96I669HZeeL-CgzcfNB2n4Q7u7lch9VSbtyGJK-BbPGzp9RIASYrfh0vXYHzHcXPpgFSdHWHqsdUTqyoXK3fCax9qIe/s2048/IMG_5042.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8KBaG_F7er3N3hWQMzktkUajUG2_nlHanpocu9Vv-N96I669HZeeL-CgzcfNB2n4Q7u7lch9VSbtyGJK-BbPGzp9RIASYrfh0vXYHzHcXPpgFSdHWHqsdUTqyoXK3fCax9qIe/s320/IMG_5042.HEIC" width="320" /></a></b></div><b><br /></b><p></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25px;"><b></b><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>You are beautiful friend. </b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><br /></b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>He sees you you.</b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>He knows you. </b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>He loves you.</b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><br /></b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>He has always been and will always be faithful.</b></p><p class="p3" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-33309409878431550842021-04-03T22:41:00.004-04:002021-04-03T22:41:40.367-04:00Coming up Empty... Covid-19, reflections on the Resurrection(I began this post April 2020... I never published it. I thought it would be appropriate to share now. So remember this was written at the beginning of the lockdown/quarantine/pandemic. A lot is still applicable. I hope it speaks to you this Easter!)<div><br /></div><div> *******</div><div><br /></div><div>One of my sons starting crying because he was corrected for receiving an Easter egg from a neighbor boy. Our neighbors were trying to be kind and share.<br />
<br />
Now, my husband has told our kids repeatedly please don't touch anything that belongs to others right now. Don't touch your friends toys/bikes/scooter/etc. and don't let them touch yours. Stand 6 feet apart. You can play in the yard but at a distance.<br />
<br />
But it seems to be all too much right now, to be corrected for accepting an Easter egg. And so my son started crying. This guy doesn't cry easily. So I held him and told him I loved him. I told him how confusing a time it is for all of us. How it's strange that normal rules don't apply.<br />
<br />
We are all going through it. We are all experiencing discomfort and change and unknowns.<br />
<br />
These are strange times friends.<br />
<br />
How are you doing? Like, how are you REALLY doing?<br />
<br />
Is your heart full of panic and fear? Are you overwhelmed? Are you bored out of your mind? Are you creatively exploring interests? Are you reading a ton? Watching tons of Netflix? Cleaning your house obsessively? Schooling your kids?<br />
<br />
Are you coping with life right now by trying to eat your way through it? Are you focused on your lack? Are you able to find joy?<br />
<br />
So much has changed and yet so much still remains.<br />
We are not in control.<br />
It freaks us out.<br />
We look for ways to gain some semblance of control and order or try to numb and distract ourselves. from the lack thereof. Or a combination of all the things. We beat ourselves up for not being enough, for being imperfect, for all the ways we've "failed". We obsess and fixate on trying to control what we can. We get lost in the news, or the next show, movie, Facebook or Insta post.<br />
<br />
I've been trying to wrap my brain around this last month and have gone in a thousand different directions. But I want to share some bottom line truths with you.<br />
<br />
I get it if you feel... Afraid.<br />
Scared.<br />
Anxious.<br />
Overwhelmed.<br />
Tired.<br />
Depressed.<br />
Overeating.<br />
Under-eating.<br />
Overbuying.<br />
Can't afford to buy.<br />
<br />
But I want you to know God has not stopped being God. He still sits on His throne. He still rules and reigns. He is in control. He is still crazy about you. He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine.<br />
<br />
How many of you are coming up empty right now?<br />
<br />
Job loss? Financial losses? Worries about businesses closing permanently due to temporary shut-downs. The anxiety creeping in about your health or your loved one's health or someone who you know who is at a higher risk with Covid-19. Or maybe right now you're being overworked? The demands for what you do are higher or more critical than ever... or there are fewer people to bear the brunt right now.<br />
<br />I had a moment where I totally lost it... I reached for the toilet paper and the roll was empty. Never before in my life had an empty roll equalled fierce lack. Insecurity. Worries of not having enough. The question of will God still provide? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkfTlddP7bYb79GyUBcG9yS3FBrmFcPhkT3Ptre6ZjIA2p-h_qLw0VDzJmywNtX5oPwlUHsSvBM3kG7D8LpX7xGt00eyAFCaENWLMx3o2s99BD3zb3yIytXS7D95WIVhJB7DMO/s2048/IMG_7099.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkfTlddP7bYb79GyUBcG9yS3FBrmFcPhkT3Ptre6ZjIA2p-h_qLw0VDzJmywNtX5oPwlUHsSvBM3kG7D8LpX7xGt00eyAFCaENWLMx3o2s99BD3zb3yIytXS7D95WIVhJB7DMO/s320/IMG_7099.jpeg" /></a></div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I stopped and thought under normal circumstances coming up empty is not a good thing. </div><div>And then I thought about Easter.</div><div><br /></div><div>I started thinking about Jesus and His death on the cross. Jesus being placed in the tomb. The disciples grieving and mourning and probably utterly confused and devastated. The waiting in agony...And then the women going to the tomb where they too came up empty. </div><div><br /></div><div>Has there ever been a better thing to come upon empty????!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus, had rose from the dead! He conquered death! He was alive. No, death could not stop Him! The grave had no hold on Him! He has risen!</div><div><br /></div><div>So I rejoice in the empty! </div><div><br /></div><div>Put your hope in the Lord... even if you feel empty, feel afraid, feel the lack... He will do exceedingly more than we ask or imagine. He will provide beyond what we hoped for... I'm talking more than toilet paper y'all... I'm talking eternal salvation. </div><div><br /></div><div>Let us rejoice friends. </div><div>He is risen.</div><div>He is risen indeed!<br />
<br /></div><div>********</div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-24392966340965676342021-01-21T18:04:00.001-05:002021-01-21T18:04:26.961-05:00Groping in the Dark: Finding the Light of Jesus in the Midst of Despair.<p><span style="font-family: times;">Please be warned this material may not be appropriate for young people. Topics cover abuse, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Please do not read if this will be a trigger for you. Please use your own discretion.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;"> I wanted to cut myself today. Oh the shame of even typing those words. It's been a while. A long while since I wanted to harm myself. But the pain is so bad. So bad my friends. So the easy way out of the mental and emotional pain, is to create physical pain. Instead I chose to eat a salad. I got a chiropractic adjustment. I exercised for some physical release.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">Yesterday during EMDR opened a gulf of trauma... abuse from childhood that wanted to tear me open and ravage me like a wolf with a small rabbit. I felt like I was drowning in sadness, fear and shame. It was oppressive and suffocating. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">You see I've decided to go all in on my healing. I want to work through the trauma of my past. And boy is it work. Deep hard, devastating work. One that has me asking questions like, is this the right time? The right way? the right therapist? My counselor specializes in trauma work and we have a deep rapport and I like her very much. But she doesn't bring in the light of Christ or the hope of the Gospel. We don't pray. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">So when I was in the therapy session yesterday. In the midst of deep trauma and pain, I discovered that I had the thoughts, "I wish I were dead." Wow... did my suicidal thoughts reach that far back. Did they stem out of a 5 year old little girl? </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: times;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV9jkkZBDtFMYznDgHpA12iC6aHAl36Zc76PVGVripwUNeGPFabUik1Ipz4Hl2yiOgowRS9MYfNxPxOKp6EVx_Ag1Y-6uapqvm7_w08D7ATOnh-QQMPx8wwde_Avcv-MwqLp_4/s500/IMG_0225.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV9jkkZBDtFMYznDgHpA12iC6aHAl36Zc76PVGVripwUNeGPFabUik1Ipz4Hl2yiOgowRS9MYfNxPxOKp6EVx_Ag1Y-6uapqvm7_w08D7ATOnh-QQMPx8wwde_Avcv-MwqLp_4/s320/IMG_0225.jpeg" width="320" /></a></span></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">By the end of the session there was some small hope. I remember going to the place in my mind... "This is NOT how the story ends." and reminder that "This too shall pass." We went to my safe place and then I entered right back into the real world. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">I've been creating some time and space afterwards to process or sleep. I have an easy meal ready for the kids and I try to block off the time so I'm not doing anything too mentally challenging. Even texting can be strenuous and I've miscommunicated while my brain is in such a state...</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">The old me wants an out. Wants to run away from this pain. It would feel easier to take my life than to bear the pain. This new me says no. I'm here for a purpose. For a reason. God is not done with me yet and I'm not done with me either. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">God has been healing and restoring me. Helping me transform my physical health which has been a wonderful and beautiful gift. He is teaching me to set boundaries and to ask for help. He is showing me it's okay to have needs and meet my needs. If I'm thirsty, I can have water. I do not need to deprive myself or torture myself or belittle myself. I don't need to minimize my needs or make fun of them or mock them. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">I am also learning that I have suffered many traumas in the course of my life. I don't need to compare it with others or downplay it or pretend it didn't happen. Instead I need to look at it and recognize it and see it but also be able to say to it... you don't own me. You are not my identity. My unhealthy ways of coping don't need to rule me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">So what do you in the face of feelings of hopelessness, fear, shame and despair? You ask Jesus to come in. You ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You pray. Worship. Cry out to the Lord. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">I'm broken friends. But I'm not finished. I'm not done. God is not done. He is doing a good work in me and He who began it will be faithful to bring it to completion. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">A friend recently asked me what God is doing in my life. I said He's taking me deeper. He's healing me. She asked me what verse am I holding onto right now. I said, <span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."</span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: times;">She in turn encouraged me with this, "In returning to me and resting in me you will be saved. in quietness and confidence is your strength." Isaiah 30:15</span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: times;">Even though I can feel my trauma in such a pronounced way at this time I know I'm not the only one hurting and struggling. So many are facing heartaches and heart breaks. Loss of children. Miscarriages. Cancer. Broken relationships. Loss of income. Loss of home. Loss of loved ones due to Covid and other illnesses and accidents. </span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: times;">Know that our God desires and longs to comfort us. He is the One who upholds us. He grieves with us in our losses. He weeps over the death, disease, and struggles. He loves us even as we are hurting and struggling. He is not disappointed with us. He's not displeased. He longs to comfort us like a mother hen gathers her chicks. He longs to heal us from the wounds that were done to us and the ones we created. He doesn't laugh or mock our addictions or poor choices in coping. He longs to show us ways in which we can truly heal and be whole... we need more than a bandaid... we were once dead in sin and He brings us back to life. </span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: times;">Are you discouraged today friend? Are you despairing? Hold on my friends. This verse has brought me comfort since the tragic loss of my sister... I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13. Keep holding<br /> on. </span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: times;">I'm not saying that everything will be made perfect in this moment but one day it will be. One day all the sad things will come untrue. </span></span></p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-66279975232541789122020-12-28T19:37:00.002-05:002020-12-30T14:03:43.794-05:00The Broken Gift: Hopes deferredWho here hates getting the thing that ends up not working? Can I see a show of hands? <div><br /></div><div> I had been pining for years for a nespresso machine. I remember my first experience. I was visiting my wonderful cousins in Connecticut. My amazing cousin Cindy asked, "would you like a latte?" </div><div><br /></div><div>Um... yes, please! One sip and I was hooked. Having been a barista at Starbucks, another lifetime ago, I learned to appreciate and flavor and savor a truly great espresso. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had to learn to manually pull shots. It wasn't this whole push button thing. It was fresh ground espresso coffee that you had to tamp down. Not too hard and not too soft. You didn't want to let it run too long or too short. Totally affected the flavor. So yes. espresso matters people. And when I sipped my latte up in New England.. I thought.. oh my goodness. I've died and gone to heaven... great coffee. </div><div><br /></div><div> So back to the pining.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG4ExmUmyW2MrrWZz8lu0yf1ZxTXNMM_4aleSA1Ep9M_McfbjWMEc-CEVb_NjDQDxnMDWEPrj8q8OE5rF8QbkH6F3mEa_vuUG1dhK_ROPUSNgwsi8oBqnNHqr4tFlsEpxEFxSk/s444/OIP-1.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="444" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG4ExmUmyW2MrrWZz8lu0yf1ZxTXNMM_4aleSA1Ep9M_McfbjWMEc-CEVb_NjDQDxnMDWEPrj8q8OE5rF8QbkH6F3mEa_vuUG1dhK_ROPUSNgwsi8oBqnNHqr4tFlsEpxEFxSk/s320/OIP-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
So when I was asked recently what I want for Christmas... I thought big... I thought Nespresso machine. The one with the aeroccino machine so I could foam milk... lattes, cappuccinos... dreams come true, right?! </div><div><br /></div><div> And glory of glories...it came... 2 days before Christmas... in all it's beautiful cherry red glory. So excited.</div><div><br /></div><div> We pulled it out of the box Christmas Eve and had it all set to go Christmas morning. The anticipation was nearly killing me. </div><div><br /></div><div> I awoke alas, without a spring in my step... I had been wrapping presents for the last month yet there was still more to do... even though I had been up til 1:30 wrapping... what with 5 kids and lots of people to love... there was still more. All the kids presents to each other had not been wrapped. So I was a bit grumpy... nothing that coffee couldn't fix right?! </div><div><br /></div><div>So I wrapped but with expectation that my caffeine fix was near! </div><div><br /></div><div> But it was not to be.
The kids had all gathered and we told them before they could open gifts we were going to have coffee. Mama was going to use her Christmas gift!!! </div><div><br /></div><div> We tried. We really did. We walked through every step. We cleaned the system. No luck. We returned it to factory setting. Nope. Nothing. After 45 minute attempt we let it go. My brother-in-law had a Nespresso machine. Surely he could help us in the afternoon. More trying. Attempts. Factory setting. Again.. no espresso, single or double, or coffee. </div><div><br /></div><div> So there I am cooking dinner a couple days later while texting back and forth with customer support on Amazon to troubleshoot. And it ended up after 30 minutes the tech gave up and was like... return the machine... you will get a new one by February 21, 2021... Whaaaaaat? </div><div><br /></div><div>This thing I had been waiting for. Hoping for. Excited about. Deferred for another 7+ weeks. </div><div><br /></div><div> Here I find myself putting my hope in a dumb machine.
But disappointmet is real. We've all been there right?! We get excited about something that lets us down.
I am once again reminded... to not put my hope in something that fades, rusts, breaks, and is easily destroyed. But instead put my hope in the Lord. He is unchanging. He doesn't fail. He doesn't let down. He does not disappoint. </div><div><br /></div><div> So friends whether it's a physical thing you have been desiring.. a new home or car or job.. or an emotional one.. a relationship you had hoped would be restored... a spouse that would appear on the horizon... or would change... or a kid that would return home, or would be potty trained by now.. let's pause and stop... and put our hope in the ONE who will never let us down, never disappoint, never fade.
</div><div><br /></div><div>So for now, we wait. Right now, we only see in part. One day we will see in full.
Hang in there friends. Keep pressing into the One worthy of our hope.</div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-79950594644140787482020-12-04T09:52:00.001-05:002020-12-04T09:52:56.698-05:00What do you do in the middle of disappointment? Why Making Beds & Green Drinks Matter.<p><br /> <span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">What do you do in the middle of disappointment?</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When you are stuck waiting. When the answer is no. When the time is not now. When they are moving in another direction. When the hope is deferred. When you are trying to believe, trying to hope there is something better. Do you know that crushing feeling of disappointment? When that dream you longed for has gone somewhere to die? When you thought the mountain would be moved? When the answer isn’t healing on this earth? When the relationship is broken and reconciliation seems impossible?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIgR-uH4pYX1x7VkW74QCC9qeiKAsj5uevE6gW0-uxg_z4_xTalPJpbAPAN9NhqZd3bmsgRsUPJ-rHPLslX4AvclsmpbnHftMOh0sAsab_TE4tbqIRucqP5Nfr6p1ebZYiCLq1/s2048/IMG_1599.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIgR-uH4pYX1x7VkW74QCC9qeiKAsj5uevE6gW0-uxg_z4_xTalPJpbAPAN9NhqZd3bmsgRsUPJ-rHPLslX4AvclsmpbnHftMOh0sAsab_TE4tbqIRucqP5Nfr6p1ebZYiCLq1/w240-h320/IMG_1599.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">God is at work in the barren <br />frosty ground of our hearts</td></tr></tbody></table></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>What do you do in the midst of that?</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>I know what I wanted to do.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>Last night It felt like too much. It felt too big. Too hard. Too devastating. I wanted to eat and numb myself with carbs. I wanted to binge on foods high in fat and sugar. I wanted to let myself escape the pain even for just a while.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>But I didn’t. I ate a salad. And then I drank a green drink. And I watched something sad and gave myself permission to cry. But I didn’t cry.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>Instead it was today I was inundated with tears as I was trying to find my keys so I could get to an appointment. Mike accidentally had the car key I needed. And it all came crashing down on me. The weight of heartache, of hopes deferred, of broken relationships, of sickness that leads to death, of a sister’s birthday once again I will never be able to truly celebrate until I’m with her in Heaven, of the financial challenges that have percolated for the last two months…the instability and unknowns of Mike’s career.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This scary, place of trusting God. Of believing He is who He says He is… even when I don’t feel like it. Of holding onto His promises that His plans for me are good. To prosper me and not to harm me. For hope and a good future.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Oh friends… He has been so faithful. And I know He will be again.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Hasn’t this year has been full of disappointments? The uncertainties of job security. Job losses. Pandemic. Social unrest. Confusion. Schooling options. Cancellation upon cancellation. Cancelling our fun plans. Our hopes to travel. Our plans to be with others. Our vacations.Celebrations postponed and deferred.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I can see good happening in the midst of the hard. Sweet flowers sprouting from the cracks of my sidewalks. Hope pushing its way through the dung of life. Growth happening in spite of me.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I thought when I lost all the weight… that I would be at the top of the mountain. But I’ve come to realize instead that losing the weight and making the mental shifts and changing my habits was training. It was helping me build strength and teaching me endurance… because the truth is I’m at the bottom of the mountain but I am now equipped to climb the mountain. I now have what’s needed to face and ascend this mountain.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I don’t have the answers. At times I have miserably failed to keep hope. I have wanted to quit. To give up. To sink into a mire of despair and concede to the darkness. But God.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But God rich in mercy keeps pursuing me. Keeps holding me by the hand. He tenderly leads me with His love.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Something I often say to my kids I have been telling myself lately as well. “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What does that mean? It means making the bed. Taking out the trash. Doing the dishes. Folding the laundry. Eating your vegetables. It means working out… again. Taking a shower. It means making the phone call and doing that task you have been putting off for the last week, month, or year. It means embracing the hard. It means doing it imperfectly. Doing it messy. Not having your crap together and going for it anyway.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Today, I was sad, and angry and hurting. But I made my bed. I drank my protein drink. I ate consistently.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I drank my water.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was so blessed to be a part of my company’s amazing virtual conference a few weeks ago. One of the inspiring leaders, who I greatly admire, was talking about this very concept. Of being in the midst of heartache and despair and yet doing the the next thing we know we need to do. We must lead ourselves if we are to lead others. So sometimes, and yes, I know I sound like a Frozen 2 soundtrack we must do the next right thing.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sometimes building those good habits are such a gift because we can do them even when we don’t feel like doing them… because they’ve become instinctual. They’ve become a part of us. It’s just what we do.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And sometimes building the habit of trusting God… putting my faith in Him is a gift. I have been flexing my trust in God muscle. To believe He is who He says He is. Life doesn’t feel good or easy right now but you know what… I don’t have to let my feelings have the final say. I can do the next right thing in spite of how I feel.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So I’m pushing forwards friends. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving up. I’m not quitting. I’m putting on my big girls pants and leaning into the creator of the universe knowing He’s not done with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>me. I’m going to build something. I’m going to keep growing, keep learning, keep creating. I’m going to keep loving and serving and believing.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Broken-hearted people of the world unite. God’s got us. Let’s keep going.</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-72257065447229544102020-11-05T23:16:00.003-05:002020-11-05T23:16:59.091-05:00Vampire Deer, Greek & other joys of learning <p>Are you teachable? Are you open to being incorrect? Are you willing to learn? </p><p>These questions have gotten to me in the past couple weeks. I want to have a heart that is open. Open to being wrong. Open to learning. Open to growing.</p><p>Samuel made a statement last week about Vampire Deer* and I questioned him. I was thinking someone is seriously pulling his leg. And he was very sweet and said, "No Mom, it's a real thing... they don't suck people's blood but they do have these fang like horns." I was pretty incredulous. So I asked Siri... and she googled it for me. And yeah, I was wrong. They do exist.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIFpwVx9urvONSnGPRSctR-C_pXPQB_JQ4tMFLZeXsBnGRg5fd2Gcnk8hSXkfuY-bmPGCq7m3coQCEr0i_c2lqY3SSgfHVSkO_aTB2Y3nLnvPEUMQAthYpYZ8fyIQpoNU_b8NK/s1600/external-content.duckduckgo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIFpwVx9urvONSnGPRSctR-C_pXPQB_JQ4tMFLZeXsBnGRg5fd2Gcnk8hSXkfuY-bmPGCq7m3coQCEr0i_c2lqY3SSgfHVSkO_aTB2Y3nLnvPEUMQAthYpYZ8fyIQpoNU_b8NK/s320/external-content.duckduckgo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p><br /></p><p>I come to the table where my kids are studiously working on their schooling and I see my husband practicing something on a sheet of paper. My curiosity is piqued. What is he doing? Cursive? Nope. Greek. He's practicing his Greek alphabet.</p><p>I'm so thankful to be surrounded by people willing to learn and grow and be stretched. It inspires and motivates me. </p><p>I have been deliberately pushing myself to try some things that scare me. One of my unfortunate sides of PTSD has been a fear of trying new things... especially in the kitchen. I can be weirdly and embarrassingly afraid of trying something new when it comes to cooking, baking and other culinary skills. I mean, like full blown panic attack.</p><p>I remember when it first occurred. It was shortly after my sister's death and I was trying to make instant rice for the first time. I broke into a sweat and fell apart shaking and in tears... over instant rice. So it was a big move for me to make crustless quiche this past weekend. And today I couldn't have been more proud of my baking spaghetti squash. </p><p>Now, are these things incredibly simple to do... yes. But for me it was like I moved a mountain. Once I get over my fear of doing something, by doing it myself one time, I feel free to do it again in the future. I have learned how to brew kombucha tea and kept it going for many, many months. I bake sourdough bread from a starter and have even made sourdough pancakes and waffles. I'm going to try sourdough banana bread and sour dough zucchini bread in the near future. I can spiralize veggies into zoodles. I know how to juice and I make delicious smoothies. I've even made my own homemade ice cream from time to time. I'd like to learn how to use an instapot as well as a food dehydrator....but for today I'm grateful and satisfied that I've learned a new skill. </p><p>I pushed myself past my discomfort zone and practiced something new. So grateful to learn new things and I hope and pray that I will remain teachable for the rest of my life.</p><p>Here's to learning!</p><p>*Vampire Deer also known as Musk or Water Deer. You can find information <a href="https://untamedscience.com/biodiversity/vampire-deer/" target="_blank">here</a>.</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-23498161089558936282020-10-06T09:27:00.003-04:002020-10-06T09:27:19.478-04:00A Life Well LivedLast Thursday my beautiful 96 year old grandmother, Elizabeth "Bette" Walczak took her final breaths and flew to Jesus.
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxugfzp8k6L3iwLhy22M1fumynRcKZIlSohAAaEwHuQ-bk8Srrbj2etMdi248eo9gdahLuQnaWkOMNk33At439dfXMc9GmXyuWpDXs1qIaGehEbEwJU5IimqCMa-ucghExyLbR/s2048/IMG_7601.JPG" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxugfzp8k6L3iwLhy22M1fumynRcKZIlSohAAaEwHuQ-bk8Srrbj2etMdi248eo9gdahLuQnaWkOMNk33At439dfXMc9GmXyuWpDXs1qIaGehEbEwJU5IimqCMa-ucghExyLbR/s320/IMG_7601.JPG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">April 17, 1924 ~ October 1, 2020<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />
It's such a mixed thing when someone older passes. There is the relief that they no longer are in pain; no more suffering. They no longer have to experience the brokenness of this world. Yet, there is the sorrow that death exists in the first place. Death is just plain wrong. <div><br /></div><div>I know our parting is temporary. I know that I will see her again face to face. My Grandmother loved Jesus- fiercely, whole-heartedly and devotedly. <div><br /></div><div> I had the honor of living in the same home with her for several years in my life. She loved watching tennis. She had a musical laugh. She was a woman of prayer. </div><div><br /></div><div>In most recent years, when Mike and I lived in my parents homes along with our 5 kids, I remember how often I would find her in the morning with her cup of coffee and perhaps a plain Dunker {Dunkin' Donut}, and her big Bible on her lap. She loved to watch the birds outside at the feeders and she loved to sing hymns of praise. </div><div><br /></div><div>There have been many tears. I will miss her so much. I'm so grateful to have known and been loved by her.</div></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-51928741464419965122020-09-30T11:17:00.000-04:002020-09-30T11:17:03.047-04:00Lumps and Waiting RoomsI'm in the waiting room.
Monday I found a lump in my breast. The good thing is its painful and I've been told if its painful thats a good thing. The other really good thing is I already have my yearly ladies exam scheduled for today. Waiting only 2 days... lucky!!!
And yet there is a little anxious knot in the pit of my tummy. that scary little "what if..."
What if its more than a cyst???
What if it's cancer?
Then what?
As if suddenly God will stop ruling and reigning. As if that magically means He won't care, lead or provide for me.
He is God. He is good. No matter what. No matter the circumstances.
So I will sit and wait and choose to trust.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz14Dt6Js4cXOAOL9slsLkEoHbGo_gxcun_A2oXGirkIN93LoUX430PoaRNZU48rG-ILUB2ZK2YxpNA8ByiKnEhHewnefZqYQDQEHzbNRZrgTXrpUXBDTmrcI4eu1iiCKnMmYi/s640/36162CB4-5A7C-4D29-B349-0C548DB37F3E.jpeg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" height="320" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="481" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz14Dt6Js4cXOAOL9slsLkEoHbGo_gxcun_A2oXGirkIN93LoUX430PoaRNZU48rG-ILUB2ZK2YxpNA8ByiKnEhHewnefZqYQDQEHzbNRZrgTXrpUXBDTmrcI4eu1iiCKnMmYi/s320/36162CB4-5A7C-4D29-B349-0C548DB37F3E.jpeg"/></a></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-57865538540453641202020-08-17T21:38:00.000-04:002020-08-18T11:36:48.070-04:00Root Canals, Waiting, Brokenness & Good News<p> <img border="0" data-original-height="266" data-original-width="474" height="115" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfx8qXoL71gWxHuSQpt66AAjF1qigz_tZ3eUpnN1f2oSf8ifLr3P79i3FA28v9VoEUNDrgi6DqfVsPhOL_xgHhKpUdUHSMrmRpEIVWgvpYtpAyTVfhgUFQGV3tMY6mjMGCazTg/w205-h115/external-content.duckduckgo.jpg" width="205" />I just broke a tooth. I was eating a pretzel stick on the drive home from church and I heard a sickening crunch and felt a piece of tooth come off. This happens tobe the tooth that I just had a root canal on 3 days ago. The tooth that caused me agony the week of my brother-in-law's wedding. I went on antibiotics and have been on hold for the root canal for two weeks.</p><p>There are questions and concerns of whether or not Mike will still have a job or not in the next few weeks due to lack of work. </p><p>Continuing to watch my mother-in-law decline with her Alzheimer's and dementia. </p><p>Samuel slamming his thumb in the car door.</p><p>The lawnmower breaking down.</p><p>The new flooring buckling from the fridge water leak. </p><p>Dreading dealing with relational fallout.</p><p>This world is full of so much brokenness. </p><p>So much unrest. Hate. Dissension. Division. Feuds. Unknowns. Significant injustices. Shootings. Suffering. Pandemic. Schooling shifts.</p><p>Can our hearts take anymore pounding?</p><p>I've been feeling lonely and isolated and sad and frustrated. Constant reminders of how this world wasn't how it once was... and reminders that why did I think I could put my hope in this world?</p><p><b><i>My hope needs to be in God, nothing more, nothing less and nothing else. </i></b></p><p>Days are draining and monotonous and overwhelming. What you can and can't do changes regularly.</p><p>About a month ago Samuel went up to the Children's Heart Institute (CHI) in Northern VA for an ultrasound. The tech became very concerned. He detected a sackof fluid just outside of Samuel's lungs. </p><p>After making Mike wait an hour and a half they prescribed a chest x-ray which we were able to do back in Hampton Roads at our local children's hospital (CHKD). We were told the results would be pretty immediate and they would schedule an appointment for the following day. And so we waited and waited. We waited knowing and fearing the worst... had his cancer returned?</p><p>We called CHI. Apparently they said they never received the x-ray... where did we get the x-ray done? So we gave them the information. Still no word. We called the next week. Um, where was the x-ray done? Called the following week... once again, where was the x-ray done... </p><p>So we get a call Thursday that they had the x-ray and were ready to share the results at a telehealth appointment the following day. Thank God for Fridays...</p><p>The day of the appointment we received word that they needed to move the appointment earlier. No problem. Then they called less than 5 minutes later to say, "Where was the x-ray taken?" At this point I'm trying to not lose my cool but expressed my concern that they had the information and the results the day before but couldn't find it again?</p><p>Even during the appointment the Dr. couldn't find the x-ray. Finally she realized it was mislabeled and found the x-ray. His lungs were fine. No cancer. </p><p>This huge relief. This huge struggle with anger. All this emotional whiplash. Things are one way then another. In the midst of it all I'm sinning all over the place. Angry. Irritable. Frustrated. Concerned. Hopeful. Then numb. Despairing. And also then over it. Tired of feeling all the things. </p><p>In the midst of all this I made my weight goal. A health professional told me I'm completely in a healthy range for my weight. I could gain. I could lose. I am fine. My numbers look fantastic. My energy is good. I'm the healthiest I've been in almost 2 decades. </p><p>And yet there is so much resistance. Trying to trust the Lord and cling to Him in all the storms... the big and little. The schooling needs of 5 kids. Some we will be homeschooling. Others will continue public school online. </p><p>So many unknowns... but this we know... our God is faithful. He is good. His promises will be fulfilled. He will never leave or abandon us. </p><p>So here we are in the broken and in the being redeemed. In the process. With the good and the hard. The ups and the downs. Eager for Christ's return and enjoying His redeeming work in the meantime<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Add caption<br /></td></tr></tbody></table>.</p>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-14604021437887959612020-07-12T13:54:00.002-04:002020-07-12T13:54:43.812-04:00Does Jesus love me when I'm grumpy? How poison ivy and newly ruined floors lead me back to the Gospel.I’m covered in poison ivy. My legs, my arms, my chest, my hands, my feet. I’m not sure why or how. I had it a couple weeks ago from a hike but then I treated it and it went away. But now it’s back with a vengeance.<br />
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Mike installed with the help our a neighbor our beautiful kitchen flooring this week. So of course, a couple night's later there’s an unexpected water leak. Mike went into the kitchen and saw water pooling from the bottom of the fridge. The water line to the fridge was spraying. He had to turn off the water to the whole house. He grabbed towels and pulled out the fridge and ran the fan. Grateful he caught it when he did but now there's some buckling.<br />
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Life is unsettling. So many things we cannot control. Let’s be honest there is not much we can control. Just how we respond to life and the things that happen to us.<br />
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Am I going to only trust God when life is good and going to plan? What happens when life is hard? When your friend dies. And your child is diagnosed. And then someone's child in your community passes away. That was my week. Oh and did I mention the scaled moved up 3 pounds and Samuel is throwing up again today....<br />
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I'm sad. I'm hurting. I'm itchy. I'm hormonal. I'm grumpy. I'm throwing myself a pity party.<br />
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I'm over the virus. Over wearing masks. Over not hugging people.<br />
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I miss what was. I miss going to the movie theater. I miss gathering in a group. I miss sitting in a coffee shop and relaxing and reading and laughing.<br />
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I am overwhelmed thinking of what we are going to do with schooling this Fall. Will some continue public school? Take some out to homeschool? Some online? Co-op? So much uncertainty and unknown.<br />
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I want to believe that my boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places but I struggle. And then I'm angry that I'm struggling. Why can't I be grateful? I have so much to be grateful for! Why am I dissatisfied and discontent? I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. My husband even was able to fix the leak. We didn't have to use a plumber like we thought we would.<br />
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So when you're covered in Calamine and your brand new floors are no longer perfect, what will you choose to believe? Is this what I'm living for?<br />
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I am reminded once again, this world is not my home. My hope can't be found in beautiful newly installed flooring. My hope can't be found in my physical body. It can't be in the condition of my kids health or whether or not I'm on good terms with others relationally. These things will never satisfy.<br />
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I can not find any true satisfaction or joy apart from Jesus. He is my all in all. I'm not enough. I'm weak. I complain. I grumble. But He is enough. He is my joy, my light, my strength, my song, my Rock. He is my hope.<br />
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Lord, I cling to you. I cling to who you say you are. I cling to your Word which is truth, which is life, which is a balm to my heart. I rest in you. Not my works. Not what I've done or what I'm going to do but in your perfect life, your perfect work, your death and resurrection. You have overcome the grave. You have the power to save me from my sins.<br />
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I wrestle Jesus. I wrestle with myself. Rescue me from myself. Thank you that you love me in spite of me. Thank you that you are a promise keeper. You are a way maker. Everyone can let me down but Lord, you will never let me down. You will never let me go. You will never leave or forsake me.<br />
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So that's where I am at friends. I'm sad, messy, and crazy broken. But I'm also perfectly loved, forgiven, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. Jesus loves me even when I'm grumpy.<br />
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Are you stressed today? Anxious? Frustrated? Angry? Overwhelmed? Confused? Scared? He loves you right where you are. He longs to connect and communicate with you. He loves you with an everlasting love. Cry out to Him. Tell Him where you're at. And wait and see how He speaks to you. Ask Him what does He want to show you and teach you?<br />
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Asking the God of all comfort to comfort you and lift up your head.<br />
May He be near to us as we draw near to Him.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-51778253653108849502020-06-30T11:53:00.000-04:002020-06-30T12:04:45.590-04:00When you can’t outrun the diagnosis<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 27px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3px;">
<span style="font-size: 21px;">So I escaped to the beach this morning. I packed up the kids and sunscreen and snacks and water. The kids put on their suits and got their towels and boogie boards. Libby even put the music on the drive I needed- Radiohead and The National.</span></div>
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<span class="s2">And I tried to escape and distract myself.</span></div>
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<span class="s2">This afternoon we get the results of Samuel’s testing. Last week we were up in Northern VA at the Children’s Heart Institute.</span></div>
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<span class="s2">I know what they’re going to say. Just waiting to hear the official word from the specialist.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK16J6fKe5q7AHL3lj3WnZZrcsW5iHJ_TbWNvKU2s1G8fS87W4YewyijPamb_9jDuYrr1TP4NooxcmLUE7eB6q6kBPdXkV8wc2HwkkXFpTtBuF5L2HTIWje4cNNzjnVqISfNuH/s1600/7CAEF80B-F441-4ACE-81F2-8C9B316E2686.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK16J6fKe5q7AHL3lj3WnZZrcsW5iHJ_TbWNvKU2s1G8fS87W4YewyijPamb_9jDuYrr1TP4NooxcmLUE7eB6q6kBPdXkV8wc2HwkkXFpTtBuF5L2HTIWje4cNNzjnVqISfNuH/s320/7CAEF80B-F441-4ACE-81F2-8C9B316E2686.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span class="s2">So why the angst?</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">This label doesn’t define him. Samuel is still the same person- just because we have an official diagnosis doesn’t make him magically different.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">And yet I’m angry.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">I parked my umbrella and chair and got situated. And 5 minutes later a woman and her grandchild park themselves right in front of me. Literally obstructing my direct view of the water and view of my kids in the water.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">And I’m freakin seething.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">I know she has no idea. And I cannot help but wonder how many times have I been thoughtless like this? How many times have I been so unintentionally rude?</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">But here I am hating this unknown stranger in my heart. And then I’m angry at myself for being angry.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">Trying to take every thought captive.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">And I don’t say anything, not even giving the woman a chance to apologize or rectify the situation.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">I just sit and seethe.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">And yet in the midst of my jacked up heart God loves me. He accepts me broken and bitchy and all.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">And He loves Samuel. Infinitely more than I do. And he’s not surprised by this diagnosis. He’s not surprised by my trauma leaking out. Excuse me? Is my PTSD showing.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">I just stopped and got in the water. And from the ocean looking back at my chair and the woman’s chair it looks as if it’s at a diagonal. More proof that this precious woman has no clue she’s interrupted my day. She didn’t do it to be mean or vicious. She is just living her life.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s2">And there is God tenderly loving me in my messy, brokenness. He’s not intimidated by me or even affronted.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">Jesus paid the price for this sin already. And because I asked, I can be forgiven.</span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s2">My body is still trembling from fight or flight. My adrenaline is out of control. I am completely imperfect and yet perfectly loved.</span></div>
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<span class="s2">I will never not need the Gospel. I need a Savior. I need a redemption. Rejoicing in the gift of Jesus. I am not enough... but He is more than enough for me.</span></div>
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-32099029538274063942020-06-28T23:42:00.002-04:002020-06-28T23:42:35.071-04:00Saying Goodbye to my friend CelindaMy beautiful friend Celinda passed away yesterday evening. We haven't been friends for long but it didn't take but a minute for me to love her. She was that kind of person that snuck into your heart so quickly.<br />
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I remember the first time I met her. I have the honor of working in nursery in children's ministry at my church. One Sunday at church I was told by another member that there was a family who had a daughter with profound disabilities that needed to be looked after in the nursery. My heart leapt. I was thrilled at the thought. I had the privilege of meeting Celinda and her husband that day. I expressed my excitement that I would get to work with their daughter, Lenita.<br />
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I have the joy of helping look after Lenita during the message on Sundays. She is in her mid-twenties, wheel chair bound and has the mind of an infant. But not only have I come to know Lenita I also got to know her mom, Celinda.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOa9vPj2lw-f4duRVmkmcYNSv8ZSivLW2AMMS1i0jdyECluisTOa4atWI94ASKF3JnoMvbGrzqL1_9H7NmoG_sxh3OEW4kfCrTqot6jMtimEN4kiRqYPcdWiP5YN5kWwIVBPQq/s1600/106579897_3045277938872482_6024187466503028344_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1355" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOa9vPj2lw-f4duRVmkmcYNSv8ZSivLW2AMMS1i0jdyECluisTOa4atWI94ASKF3JnoMvbGrzqL1_9H7NmoG_sxh3OEW4kfCrTqot6jMtimEN4kiRqYPcdWiP5YN5kWwIVBPQq/s320/106579897_3045277938872482_6024187466503028344_o.jpg" width="255" /></a>Celinda is one of those people that just radiate joy and peace. I feel like I've spent time with Jesus being around her. She was encouraging and uplifting and gave wonderful hugs. She was a precious member of the Living in Holland group in Chesapeake, a support group for Moms who have children with special needs. She was part of the groups beginning.<br />
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One of my last memories with her was her coming to my home to help me clean just before Covid. I was a hot mess. A train wreck. Overwhelmed by all the medical appointments. I had an absurd amount of medical appointments that week.. like, over 15... and there was- she came to MY home... kind and helpful. She said she was glad she could be of service. I felt so humbled. Here, my friend, with very full hands, with stage 4 cancer, would come and help me. She cleaned my bathroom.<br />
<br />
Last night when Karina (one of Celinda's daughters, who has become another precious friend) texted to say her Mom's time on earth was coming to a close I had to fight back the tears. I started praying that God would give Celinda dying grace. That her last moments here on earth would be peaceful.<br />
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This evening I learned the news that my friend had passed away last night.<br />
<br />
I was driving and there was a gorgeous rainbow in the sky and it gave me sweet hope that God is faithful to His promises. He is who He says He is. I look forward to the day when I will see my sweet friend Celinda again.<br />
<br />
Celinda, there is so much more I wanted to ask you. So many more conversations I wanted to have. I also wanted to ask you to please give kisses to my sister Libby. I'm so thankful you are once again with your sister and the many precious saints that have gone before... So thankful for your life. So thankful that I had the gift of knowing you. Not as well or as long as I'd like but I'm trusting Jesus that we will literally have all the time in the world together someday. I love you my friend.<br />
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To Celinda's precious husband, Kirk, and children- Lenita, Karina, Elaina, Josiah, & Joanna, I am so sorry for the loss of this amazing woman, wife and mother. She was and is such a gift to so many. I am asking the God of all comfort to comfort you and sustain you. Praying the Lord gives you grace for each moment. My words feel inadequate and insufficient to express all I would like to say but I'm thankful that even now Jesus is before the throne interceding on my and your behalf. I loved Celinda. Asking the Lord to sustain you and strengthen you and give you peace. We love you.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-59897907309714280372020-03-02T05:18:00.001-05:002020-03-02T05:18:40.355-05:00Wrestling over pancakes, Rambling free thoughts, and doing the next right thing.So I wake up and it's 3:40 a.m. and what do I do... I work on my calendar for 30 minutes. I have a fueling at 4:15 a.m. I lay awake contemplating all that is ahead of me. I do my weekly weigh in. Down 4.6 pounds. I'm .2 pounds from 89 pounds gone forever.<br />
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Pretty amazing.<br />
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Especially when yesterday I was tempted by pancakes at IHOP. I literally asked the waitress if I could do a pretend order of unlimited pancakes and then went and ordered my cage free egg white veggie omelette.<br />
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It's March. And so with it comes the keen longing and missing and remembering of my sister. This 7th marks 16 years. Bitter-sweet 16.<br />
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I see how much I've grown and matured. I have considerable depth in ways I never would have imagined. I think of my sister and am grateful that I had her in my life.<br />
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Somedays though it feels surreal. Did I imagine Libby? Was she really there?<br />
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Other moments I still expect to be awakened from a very bad dream. I expect her to be alive and pregnant and getting the baby room ready and I remember the list all too well... my to do list. Write her Anniversary card. Buy Baby Shower invites. And then there's the sick thud. The realization it will never come. It will never move forward. Everything ended there with her.<br />
<br />
I'm a woman torn in two.<br />
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Torn on one end with the knowledge that Libby is in Heaven and rejoicing and in a place of perfect peace and joy. And on the other end... the longing. the waiting. the impatient hoping.... soon Jesus, soon.<br />
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I'm full of hope for Samuel knowing that we are getting answers and God is going to provide all we need. And on the other end with a crushing weight of this is all overwhelming and how the heck are we going to follow all this protocol and how in the world can there be more.<br />
<br />
And so I write and type and think and process and see this marvelous tension at play. This tug of war with heart and soul and mind and body.<br />
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I see myself at war within.<br />
<br />
Paul talks about this kind of wrestling in Romans 7:15 <span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.</span><br />
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And so here I am in this crazy kind of juxtaposition. At the moment I feel like I'm winning because I didn't eat pancakes. I'm not in a psych ward. I am getting up and putting my clothes on.<br />
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But really it's all grace. And here's the amazing thing. I am loved regardless... regardless of the number on the scale... of whether I ate pancakes or not. Loved in spite of my mental health or the lack thereof.<br />
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I feel like I'm failing as a Mom. I see all the ways I could have done better, I could do better. Why isn't there more of me to go around? Why can't I be in all places at one time? Why can't I rest and work and clean and do laundry and give meds and organize and do my to-do lists all at the same time?<br />
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I'm not a machine y'all. I am not unlimited. My resources run out. My energy gets low. My brain and body and soul need rest and replenishment.<br />
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I practice self-care and feel guilty. I work and feel guilty. I spend time with my kids and feel guilty.<br />
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The guilt has got to go.<br />
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I can't be everywhere at all times doing all the things.<br />
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So I let it go. I'm going to be here in this moment doing this thing until I reach my next moment. And in that moment I will do the next right thing.<br />
<br />
I sat in the movie theater at Frozen 2 and I bawled. I swear that movie was made for me. I want you to imagine losing your sister in a tragic car accident and then watch that movie... you might begin to get what I'm getting at.<br />
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So I have Anna's song in my heart. That prompting and pushing me to do the next right thing. The song goes like this,<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">I've seen dark before, but not like this</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">This is cold, this is empty, this is numb</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">The life I knew is over; the lights are out</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Hello darkness: I'm ready to succumb</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">I follow you around (I always have)</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">But you've gone to a place I cannot find</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">But a tiny voice whispers in my mind</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">You are lost, hope is gone</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">But you must go on</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">And do the next right thing</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Can there be a day beyond this night</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">I don't know anymore what is true</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">I can't find my direction; I'm all alone</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">The only star that guided me was you</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">How to rise from the floor</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">When it's not you I'm rising for</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Just do the next right thing</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Take a step, step again</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">It is all that I can to do</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">The next right thing</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">I won't look too far ahead</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">It's too much for me to take</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">But break it down to this next breath, this next step</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">This next choice is one that I can make</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">So I'll walk through this night</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Stumbling blindly toward the light</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">And do the next right thing</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">And with the dawn what comes then?</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">When it's clear that everything will never be the same again</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">And do the next right thing</span><br />
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So once again I stop. I breathe. It's 5:15 a.m. It's time to do the next right thing.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-69919230345254932062020-02-26T22:56:00.000-05:002020-02-26T22:56:33.802-05:00In Over My HeadIt’s all too much. Way too much. 4 medical appointments yesterday. 4 today. 4 tomorrow. And we are just getting started.<br />
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This is on top of the daily needs. On top of laundry and dishes and broken vacuum cleaners. On top of weekly play therapy and occupational therapy for Michael. On top of ballet and art club. On top of creating a diet for Samuel without grains or gluten or dairy or eggs or soy and nuts, blah blah blah.<br />
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Really friends the needs exceed my limits... and that is the best place to be- ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE FOR GOD!<br />
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I can’t do this apart from him. I really can’t.<br />
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Panic tempts me to just let it crush me. To give in. To give up. So I cry out, “God you are more than enough for me!”<br />
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I hit a wall tonight. It was my weekly check in with Libby and I was too wiped to take her out so I brought Starbucks home to her and we watched some Netflix and I passed out.... for like 4 hours.<br />
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Now I’m awake and my brain is racing. And I’m once again surrendering all to Jesus.<br />
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I read my friends post, “I don’t know who needs to see this but Isaiah 60:22 says, ‘When the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen.’ Sleep in peace tonight. God is in control.”<br />
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Yes, the Lord will make it happen in His perfect timing. My striving won’t add a second to Samuel’s life. He is in God’s hands.<br />
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I keep catching myself holding my breath, quite literally, and I have to stop and remind myself to breathe.<br />
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I signed up for Bible Study but realized I will miss each session due to appointments.<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ9flrDowBSmhyGKmwYuid-41I4bxsH-7dKeghJH_0iq_js6tjWul0g6XlbgPGeOrai9geZheIZT5fCSZ2iDB7-c6c3GtOZ74b8_ZhmQCFf9TnqBWw883oEtdVG7P23snKklo4/s1600/161F1492-7C97-4B84-BEF7-FA858F2E5B81.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1059" data-original-width="1242" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ9flrDowBSmhyGKmwYuid-41I4bxsH-7dKeghJH_0iq_js6tjWul0g6XlbgPGeOrai9geZheIZT5fCSZ2iDB7-c6c3GtOZ74b8_ZhmQCFf9TnqBWw883oEtdVG7P23snKklo4/s320/161F1492-7C97-4B84-BEF7-FA858F2E5B81.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And breathe.<br />
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I can only do what I can. Praying that God brings the right people at the right time to help me bear these burdens.<br />
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Until then I close my eyes and wait for sleep to reclaim me. I can be at perfect peace knowing that He who watches over me never slumbers or sleeps.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-85139240897926245042020-02-03T08:04:00.000-05:002020-02-03T08:04:08.966-05:00Salsa on the floor, swearing and other ways God is sanctifiying me.So I'm looking at buying this t-shirt that says, "I love Jesus but I cuss a little."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgpS2JXpjfVkNaDpT5MOQt099jcUW8L60G9SN1g3NXk-v9N5cHrt0uvfMwCjUvMAe5LnITldtpPnO9blpsUIK4xfhCi5bXGJ-_lr4kVZbyxXo5Z6jBxp66WOUDvtN_ZdE5w8P0/s1600/IMG_6032.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1567" data-original-width="1210" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgpS2JXpjfVkNaDpT5MOQt099jcUW8L60G9SN1g3NXk-v9N5cHrt0uvfMwCjUvMAe5LnITldtpPnO9blpsUIK4xfhCi5bXGJ-_lr4kVZbyxXo5Z6jBxp66WOUDvtN_ZdE5w8P0/s320/IMG_6032.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
I do love Jesus. But I do cuss a little.<br />
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It's been a struggle for a long time. I remember being in a Single's Group meeting sharing sin struggles and confessing that I struggled with cussing. I was really putting myself out there. It was awkward and I felt ashamed. But I was exposing my true self.<br />
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When my sister died my cussing increased exponentially.<br />
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So, when I opened the fridge a couple days ago to pull out my cold brew and a large bowl of salsa came flying out of the fridge at me I was shocked when I didn't cuss. Now, I'm not talking about that I didn't say it out loud. I'm getting better at swearing in my head. I didn't even cuss in my mind! Whaaat?!<br />
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I'm talking salsa splattering all over the fridge and freezer. All over my pajamas. All over the kitchen rug. And I didn't swear, not out loud or silently.<br />
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God is at work! He's changing me! It was exciting. I am not the same person I used to be.<br />
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I went about my business. I came to my bedroom to work on some writing project and Mike told me, "Hey hon, you accidentally placed an Amazon order to my work place." Immediately, I said out loud, "Oh Sh*@!"<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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Well, that lasted real long. My non-cursing streak lasted me a whole 20 minutes.<br />
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I didn't even realize it was going to come out of my mouth.<br />
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Thankfully the amazon order was a quick fix. Cancel order. Send it to our home address. And it wouldn't have been a big deal if it had shipped. I thought I had accidentally shipped something to one of his projects in CA. But it would have shipped to his office locally in VA. No big deal.<br />
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So the issue here isn't about whether or not you think swearing is a sin. The issue I'm trying to get at is progressive sanctification.<br />
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I'm not "fixed" yet. I don't have my crap all together. Clearly.<br />
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I used to believe that God couldn't work in me because I didn't have it all together. <b>Now, I'm understanding He works in me and through me in spite of me!</b><br />
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<b>I'm not disqualified because I cuss.</b><br />
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Wow.<br />
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God uses all people.<br />
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I was sharing this with Mike this morning and he told me it would be good to listen to Alex's message on sanctification. (Link in the comments) I missed it because I was serving in the nursery at church. I love though how God is already lining up in my heart and preparing me for what I missed.<br />
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So I'm in process people. I'm making progress. But I have by no means arrived.<br />
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Where do you see yourself growing?Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37033560.post-33594225670639311102019-10-26T08:38:00.000-04:002019-10-26T08:38:15.121-04:00Crying out for PapaI tried to convince my daughter to skip school and play hooky with me yesterday. But she did the very rational thing and said, "Mom, I have to be responsible and go to school."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDXuWYMwr7rLkSmhcoyaniQjz6QF4rZmVieYV5x484xwMANoxXcIhyJAZRFVoU_XVm7NniwYqv_I4TLXul6WIGY-ImQO22voG7rqSX6Rhld8Yv3NMrRS9D2-ZIMKKJsNWW2fkZ/s1600/tumblr_nsvj1gT4581rwqnaro1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDXuWYMwr7rLkSmhcoyaniQjz6QF4rZmVieYV5x484xwMANoxXcIhyJAZRFVoU_XVm7NniwYqv_I4TLXul6WIGY-ImQO22voG7rqSX6Rhld8Yv3NMrRS9D2-ZIMKKJsNWW2fkZ/s320/tumblr_nsvj1gT4581rwqnaro1_500.jpg" width="239" /></a>I remember those days. My Dad used to say he'd give me $50 if I got a detention. But I was too accountable. I refused to play hooky as well. I was busy being a good girl.<br />
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I can laugh at this now. But it used to be a chain around my neck.<br />
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<b>I was obsessed with striving, pleasing, perfection, idealism, and approval.</b><br />
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This week I could see those desires manifesting themselves again. <span style="text-align: center;">I was jealous. </span><br />
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Jealous that my husband took my daughter on a date. A date that I told him to go on. He took my daughter to the Chrysler Art Museum for her birthday... one of our favorite haunts. It wasn't that I wasn't on a date with him... <b>It was seeing the love of a Dad with his daughter... that produced such heartbreak in me.</b> <b>Such deep longing.</b><br />
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<i>I realized how much I still crave the approval of my parents. So hungry for their acceptance. Still struggling with feeling "not enough" or "unworthy."</i><br />
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<i>So I go back to the source, the <b>ultimate </b>source.</i><br />
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I go to God my Father and say, <b>"I need approval. I need to know your love for me is unconditional. I need to be perfectly parented by you."</b><br />
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And as I wait, my emotional hunger gnaws at me, and I wrestle with my thoughts.<br />
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<b>Is God truly enough to satisfy me? </b> <i>He is.</i><br />
<b>Is He capable of understanding my wounded heart?</b> <i>He is.</i><br />
<b>Does He see how hard I've been trying? </b> <i>He does.</i><br />
<b>Does He love me in spite of my failures? </b> <i>He does.</i><br />
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And I ask Him to satisfy me. To bring me into right perspective and right relationship with Him.<br />
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He is my Heavenly Father.<br />
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My kids call Mike, their Dad, "Papa."<br />
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And my Heavenly Father is my Papa.<br />
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He knows every tear I've cried and has put them in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are precious to Him. He knew me when I was being formed in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13-16) He planned my life before the beginning of time. (Proverbs 8:22-23) He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His plans for me are good. (Jeremiah 29:11) As a mother won't forget the child at her breast and will have compassion on the child she has birthed... Even if she forgets- he won't forget me. (Isaiah 49:15)<br />
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My heart is longing for God. (Psalms 84:2) And He longs to satisfy me. (Psalm 91:16)<br />
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So this is part of the <a href="https://achallengetolose.blogspot.com/2019/10/feeling-my-feelings.html">feeling the feelings</a> I'm experiencing. Not eating my feelings has allowed things to surface I had no idea was there. I'm working through them.<br />
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I long for restoration of my broken relationships here on earth but am grateful that God is allowing me to get to the root and see what I really long for is something only He can satisfy. So I look to Him for healing. And I don't seek the approval of man that is fleeting. I long for Him. And I pray that as I process this I can give up my need for approval so that whether I have it or not is of no consequence- I can enjoy who I was made to be.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12175437093133369200noreply@blogger.com0