Saturday, July 29, 2017

Jesus in the Dark.

So what do you do when you have a setback?

Things are progressing in a certain way, onward and upward, and then you find yourself tumbling backwards with your pail, falling down the hill.

I find myself in this dark moment. Post concussion syndrome. Apparently when you have had PTSD and then you suffer a trauma (even a minor one), like my car accident it can re-trigger some pretty big issues like increased depression and anxiety and irritability, etc.

I found myself in Target having a panic attack about which spaghetti sauce to purchase. The one on sale? The cheapest one? The organic one? The one that has been more locally sourced? The one that will stretch the farthest? And that's just spaghetti sauce.

Making decisions feels very overwhelming. I feel thrown by the most minor things. I have over 600 emails in my inbox and oh about 20 voicemails... some of them from my lawyer. And I am paralyzed.

Physical pain is debilitating. pain in my legs. Numbness. Tingling. Pain in my shoulders. Neck. Back. Why am I not all the way better? I'm getting migraines behind my eyes and experiencing occasional ringing in my ears. I'm going to the chiropractor 3 days a week and it definitely helps.... but I still feel myself falling backwards.

I'm not myself. Going out to the store wipes me out. 10 minutes washing dishes brings tears to my eyes. It feels impossible to clean my side of the bed right now. Things that I did daily and regularly feel like hurdles I can't possibly jump over.

I have 5 wonderful children that are capable of helping me with laundry and dishes but I realize that there's a lot I haven't taught them to do and I'm too tired and overwhelmed to direct them at times.

Last night I was up til 5 a.m. and I will feel positively grateful if I'm able to take a shower today.

I have felt such shame at my inability to perform. Inability to bounce back. Inability to control my weak body.

But there is Jesus. He's there with me in the dark. In the dark moments of the soul. And in the hours in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. He helps me when I wrestle with my anxious thoughts.

God is gently and beautifully breaking my idolatry of perfection. He is lovingly showing me that my desire to do everything "rightly" and "perfectly" has superceded my desire to love Him.  I would rather be productive, efficient, and as perfect as possible without Him then be weak, broken and prostrate with Him.

What love is this?! That He loves me enough to show me that my striving won't satisfy! His perfection is what I really need!

He loves me in my human-ness. He is not looking down his nose at me and shaking his head in disapproval. He is loving me. Eager to be with me.

The days have felt dark and I have been afraid to share to openly. Ashamed of needing help. Horrified by my inability to pull it together.

I'm trying to take deep breaths.

My Dr. told me I need to slow down and take as much as I can off my plate. That I really need to let myself heal. So step by step. Day by day. Breath by breath.

I am acknowledging my pain. My weakness. My numbness. My ringing in my ears. Pain behind my eyes. But I also acknowledge that it's not too big for God. He's got this. He's aware. He's more than enough.

So as I sit in darkness I pause and give thanks, that I am not alone, Jesus sits here with me, in the dark.