Sunday, July 31, 2011

Choosing Life.

(I like this picture... but are they pills? I'm not talking about pills here)

To Life or Not to Life that is the question....

I'd rather not right now.


I know. I'm tired. But i'm kind of over it. I just want to push a pause button on life and sleep for a week and then press play.... well, maybe after I get to do something fun and relaxing after sleeping... Hmmm... okay, I will go for the week thing.

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I really don't want to choose life right now. It's stressful, chaotic, overwhelming and noisy.

Ian was throwing up two days ago. Low grade fever and rash on cheeks and arms. He went to the doctors yesterday and we found out he has strep throat. Now we have had to keep him apart from the other kids, in particular Samuel, who is of course neutropenic (very susceptible to infection). Yippee skippee.

Mike and I both feel weary and crappy and don't really want to do anything except sleep... and well, that just doesn't happen around here. Too many needs. Too many, "I'm hungry.... I'm thirsty... I need my diaper changed... He __________ me... (fill in with: hit, pushed, bit, kicked, tripped, sat on, squished)"

Unfortunately on the weary days you can't just say, "Okay, I'm going on vacation now... or I would like a sick day... or I quit". You still are a parent. And it's not something I'm going to walk away from even when I really want to. I love my kids. I know that they are precious gifts from the Lord. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm weary to the bone and just want to throw in the towel.

Adventures of this week have included a laundry room makeover (detergent EVERYWHERE!!!), a perfumed child (my favorite perfume is almost completely used up), countertop spray all of over a little person, the floor, and the counter, "fountains inside the house".... pools of random water found in random places, my nail polish being broken into, my make-up broken into... and my "spa" stuff that was new and in packaging, opened and emptied. Oh and my personal favorite, the twins managed to get on top of the counter, into the scissors and into a bag of Starburst jelly beans in which they consume almost a half of a huge bag in about 5 minutes.

Oh and Mike's car is not working...

... and did I mention that most of my clothes (which I don't have much of) has been shrunk in the dryer.

I'm working my rear off (literally and figuratively) to lose weight. Most of my clothes have been given away... they are too big... and then the clothes that did fit got shrunk... it's pretty depressing. I know that I have so much compared to the world... I shouldn't whine.. I'm just frustrated.

It's raining and gray outside.


Trying to hang in there...

A couple days ago I wrote in my Gratefulness journal for over an hour of all the things I'm thankful for.... of ways that the Lord has provided... of His gracious love and care for me... I should probably go re-read that journal... so I can take my eyes off myself and on what He's done. Instead of focusing on what's wrong thinking about what is right in my life. My kids are alive. I have a place to live. I have a great husband.I have clean water in my cup. I have some fuel in my car. I have food in my pantry. I have friends and family who somehow love me (It's shocking I know). And I have a Savior who loves me even when I'm whiney, tired and overwhelmed. I'm a rich woman.

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My mini accomplishments.

Wow. Just finished exercising. That may sound like a normal everyday accomplishment but if you ever have had to settle a dispute between 2 three year olds while holding the plank pose than you know what my workouts tend to be like. I had a car pelted at me. And then the child who threw it lied about it... Exciting.

I was told I looked like a puppy at one point... well it was the "cat stretch" and I was told I was a fish when I was doing my flutter kicks on the floor.

I was pestered with "Is it over?" about ten times every couple minutes.

When I finished I was rewarded with, "You're done...Good job, Mom!" I felt so encouraged and then was asked, "Can I have some fruit snacks?" I laughed. Yes. Fruit snacks. Priorities, people. Priorities.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What was lost...

My children have this propensity to play with weird items. Everyday common items... like my ribbons for crafting. They like the plastic wrapper on any given product. Or my bottles for my breast pump. They also play hide and seek with items... Like cell phones or stuffed animals. I find sippy cups in dresser drawers and socks in cabinets. I also lose items because they have hidden them so well... like car keys or those bottles I was talking about earlier.

I have the habit of rinsing all the parts of the pump in the bathroom sink and then placing them on the counter to dry. Ian got a hold of them. After months and months of searching I found them. In a very random place. My vase with cherry blossoms that is on a side table in my bathroom. I had no idea. The vase is black and long and unless you intentionally look inside you would never think to find anything in there...

You win Ian. That took me several months to find. Way to go buddy.
The Little Instigator

Thursdays THINGS I LIKE #5

This amazing hair serum was recommended to me a long time ago... maybe even a year ago... And it lasts forever. Paul Mitchell's Smoothing Super Skinny Serum is amazing. It's great before or after flat-ironing. It gives shine and makes the fly-aways "straighten up" or should I say down. I am a huge fan. Actually this is the only hair product I use besides shampoo and conditioner. No mousse, no gel, no leave-in conditioner, nothing exciting... Wet or dry... this is my go to friend.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Michael's Day.

Michael was chosen as a citizen of the month in May at school. He was so cute. When he was announced by the principal it took him a while to realize he was supposed to go up and when he finally did he raised his arms over his head and asked Mr. Rubin, the principal, to hold him.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Clean Machine.

Michael loves the vacuum cleaner, my Shark Sweeper, the broom and clorox wipes. He likes to clean and he especially likes cords... vacuum cords, cell phone cords, battery charging cords... He will wrap them up all nice and neat and then let it loose again and then wrap it again making perfect loops.

One of Michael's favorite chores is helping unload the dishwasher. The difficulty is when he tries to unload them when they're dirty and still need to be washed. One of the fun things we do is practice words while unloading. "spoon" "fork" "cup" "plate"... trying to avoid "knife" :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Little Cute Things.

Kristin & Madison.

What I love about these pictures is that they're taken in a kid's size chair. But it looks like they're so much bigger due to the perspective.

Friday, July 08, 2011


MMMMMMMM....I like Chick-fil-a... A LOT!!! Today is cow appreciation day. If you dress like a cow (from head to foot) you get a free meal... if you dress and have a little cow bling or half hearted something (partial costume) about loving you some chikin they will give you a free entree. It's so worth it. Go here for more info.

Took the kids for breakfast... Delish.

Then went to a different store for lunch... but saving the meals for dinner. I have a caesar wrap for dinner :) Kids have nuggets and fruit cups. Yeah!

So fun. And they made the cutest cow... silly me forgot to take any pictures... again (3rd year in a row... still forgetting to take pics)... but the manager at the first store took a pic and will put it on facebook. so there you go... eventually I will show you how cute they were.

P.S. I know today is Friday but cut me some slack :)

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Don't See Me...

Something I'm discovering about myself is that I want others to think I'm perfect. Okay, maybe not perfect but without flaws. Not physical flaws.. those I can't conceal.. but I guess me as a person. I don't want others to not like me. Bad wording...I don't want to be disliked.

I'm afraid that if people saw the real me, they would be like, "Aha. I knew there was something I didn't like about you." It's that fear of not being accepted with my flaws that makes me try and hide. concealer. Where is the concealer? Or truthfully it's more like I want white out (correction fluid).. I want to wipe myself out completely. Maybe if I'm not seen I won't be corrected, criticized, or judged.

Where is the freedom in that kind of living?

My brother-in-law, David, asked me a question that provoked me deeply. I still meditate on it. He asked me, "Jennifer, what did Jesus say He came to do?" Not what others thought He would do... or we interpret of Him but what did He say about Himself...

I came that they may Have Life & Life ABUNDANTLY!!!! (John 10:10)

I love how The Message puts it: "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

This abundant and better and real life doesn't sound like a person who should be hiding, masking, and concealing. That fear I have of people criticizing me, or just not "getting me" (understanding me), leaves me crippled. I'm so afraid of being told I'm wrong that I forget to live.

I want to trust and walk by the Spirit. Let Him lead and guide me and show me and direct me. Let Him help me with tough decisions of what's best for my family. Show me what I should eat and not eat and what I should do with my days and how I should dress and how I should spend and save and give... and who I should love, and what I should want and need.

I want to cast off these shackles of mine. I want to embrace the fact that I am wrong at times, I make mistakes, and I sin. I am not a perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend or any other role I have.

But Christ accepts me even when I was a wretch. And now I am in Him and He is in me. I am a new creation. I want to be free of myself, hiding like a child who closes her eyes and says, "You can't see me." And I want to stop pretending that you don't see me.

I see me. And God calls it beautiful. And He's in the process of redemption. Redeeming this broken creature... Transforming me into something brilliant... and like Him.

Monday, July 04, 2011

When the Yolk Breaks...

Yesterday my yolk broke. What do I mean by that? I thought I was set up for the day. I had extra sleep. My husband did all the heavy work of the day... getting kids ready, packing snacks, food, diapers, etc. while I took a shower and leisurely dressed. I thought I was fine.

But then I wasn't feeling good.. and I was hormonal... and I had a break-down yesterday. Which was embarrassing because I hate for people to see me like that. I was weak and shaky (physically & emotionally). I was grumpy and tired. And everything I felt I was keeping pent up inside came spilling out. I just couldn't hold it it together. And it was yucky.

My heart was leaking all over the place. I felt burnt out and frustrated. The kids were acting up. The trip was long full of screaming, yelling, and are we there yets. And I was done... put a fork in me... done.

I don't know what was going on with me. Headache, check. Abdominal pain, check. Dizziness, check. Yeah, I had the symptoms down but that wasn't what bothered me.

It was that I couldn't figure out why then and there I was feeling overwhelmed. It was weird.

So I guess some days are just like that. Sometimes you just fall apart for no good reason. My attempts at being a good poached egg were ruined... The yolk ran...

Today's a new day. Enjoying a new day. Preparing for the party. Hamburgers and hotdogs for the grill. making home-made guacamole. I have peach mango salsa and yummy tortilla chips. Fresh corn on the cob and tomatoes from a farm not so many miles away. California Sunshine Salad (broccoli, carrots, raisins, pecans, poppyseed dressing & extra love). Fruit pizza (Mike's favorite) being made with cream cheese frosting, blueberries, strawberries and raspberries.

Fireworks are on hand. Citronella candles are in abundance.

Asking God to change my heart and attitude. Resting in the fact that He is faithful no matter how I FEEL on any given situation. I want to remember that. Happy or heartbroken, He remains the same!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Off for a family reunion today. We get to see Mike's extended family usually about one time a year. The fourth of July is that time. I'm looking forward to seeing his aunts and uncles and cousins. It's always good to reconnect and enjoy the "Northern Neck" of VA. Hope you have a safe and happy 4th of July.

Saturday, July 02, 2011


Today the kids and I are having a lemonade stand down at the barn. Our customers are my brother's airsoft guys. The kids are selling lemonade and peanutbutter cookies, chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, rainbow chip cookies, double chocolate cookies. Their goal is multi-purpose. 10% is going to charity, something that will help other children in the world like UNICEF or building wells, etc. Libby and Samuel each get 10% and the rest is going towards a family trip. They're excited. Hoping that they will enjoy today.