Showing posts from September, 2009


Binocular Boy.
There's Samuel.
2 of a kind.
Cut from the same cloth.
Ian. A quiet moment.
Life is better when you wear a backpack.
I love my children. Their creativity. Their joy. Their loud boisterous noise. They are so full of life. Michael was unfortunately napping during this particular photo shoot. My kids are wonderful, brilliant, intelligent, beautiful, loud, loving, crazy, joyful, & patient with their mother :)

Aren't these flowers gorgeous? I couldn't resist putting a picture of this in. My mother in love gave me these for my Anniversary. I love flowers!

When Satan Tempts Me to Despair...

When Satan Tempts Me to Despair,
And Tells Me of the Guilt Within,
Upward I look and See Him there,
Who made an end to all my sin

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is Satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
To look on Him and pardon me!

(from Before the Throne of God Above)

I need pardoning daily. How about you? I know I've been tempted to despair. Deep, dark despair desires to drag me into it's claws... or should I say Satan is seeking to devour me. Wanting to kill. Destroy. Steal.

Oh Christ, You are my only hope. My only chance. My only hope of rescue from myself. From the darkness of my mind. From my overwhelming circumstances. Keep my head above the water. Bring this dead man back to life. Thank you that you hold me in the palm of your hand. My rest comes from you. My joy comes from you. My strength comes from you. You are the only thing I know I have. The only thing that can't be taken away. The only Truth. The only Way.

I can't…

Life lately.

CAUTION: Do not be overwhelmed by reading this. Remember this is what I have to do, not you :) wink, wink.

Sick kids. Coughing. Breathing treatments. inhalers. Missing church.

Needing to make appts. with dentists, pulmonlogists, GI, neurologist, wheel-chair clinic, audiologist, service worker, opthamologist, GI clinic, inspection for suburban, oh and an appointment to BREATHE :)

Doctors every week.

Kids at school. Loving it.

Driving- taking kids to school, picking kids-up. Running errands. Grocery shopping. Gas for the car.

Dishes. Laundry. Diapers. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Clean a bathroom. Sweep the floor 3x daily.

Remember to eat lunch.

Spray-paint outdoor pots. Insert mums.

Spray paint purple wreath orange. Weed garden.

Buy children pumpkins. Decorate.

Fun things: replanting my pumpkin plants (grew them from seeds), spending time with my cousin Emily, helping my mom with teaching stuff, buying mums and a couple pansies, finishing the front walk-way, new welcome home flag, Michael improving i…

A confession.

I consider myself a pretty honest person. I'm open and at times forward with how I see life and how things are. But I don't think that's always a good idea. At this moment I'm sick to my stomach. I was stupid. I went online and looked at all the blogs that I wish I could follow... and I feel sick. If you are thinking at this moment, "she hates me. she hates my blog." YOU ARE WRONG! I don't hate anyone. I don't hate anyone's blogs. What is painful is the relative "normalcy" I see people experiencing around me. Normalcy that I thought would be mine. Normalcy of healthy children or limited financial pressures and stresses. I don't see posts on four children under the age of four. Or a child with cerebral palsy. Or feeing tubes. or, or, or, or.....

The temptation is to turn inward and drown myself in sorrow... and allow myself to become isolated and cut off. So, what I'm getting at is the temptation is to be selfish and self-…

Seeing God in everything!

A couple days ago I was reading in Streams in the Desert. This particular entry strikes a chord deep in my heart and resonates in my soul. I have been intensely grieving the loss of my sister in the past several weeks. This entry reflects my desires so well.

Streams in the Desert -September 17th

It is the Lord: let him do what seemeth him good. (1 Sam. 3:18)

See God in everything, and God will calm and color all that thou dost see! It may be that the circumstances of our sorrows will not be removed, their condition will remain unchanged; but if Christ, as Lord and Master of our life, is brought into our grief and gloom, "He will compass us about with songs of deliverance." To see HIM, and to be sure that His wisdom cannot err, His power cannot fail, His love can never change; to know that even His direst dealings with us are for our deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say, in the midst of bereavement, sorrow, pain, and loss, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken aw…


I can feel the anxiety bubbling to the surface. It's creeping slowly upward. Somewhere from the bottom of my depths it's creeping forward and I'm trying to keep the sheer panic from setting in.

I can't stand it when I'm like this. I know things are okay. In fact I can tell myself over and over, "You're okay. You're okay." But my heart still races and my mind feels like it's trying to complete a triathalon... without training.

God, only you can still the anxious heart and mind. Direct my steps. I thank you that you know and have given me the exact circumstances I am in. Thank you that you love me even though I'm frail, imperfect and broken. Change my heart to respond to you and to allow myself to be calmed. To know that I can't do it all, accomplish it all or be it all. BUT YOU ARE my ALL in ALL. Help me to seek you for strength and rest not to trust in myself and my abilities. Thank you for letting me shower today. Thank you for Samuel&…

a diagnosis.

Mike and I had received a diagnosis on Michael. It was something that we hesitated to bring to the blog because we don't want an over re-action, either from ourselves or from others. It's something we've had to sit on and think about and hopefully have balance and perspective in interpreting all the data and information.

All that said Michael has been diagnosed as having hypotonic cerebral palsy. "What is that?" you might say. this was an accurate explanation I found....

Cerebral palsy is a disorder that affects movement and posture. Cerebral palsy is caused by an injury to a specific area of the brain, resulting in the disruption of the individual’s sensory-motor skills. The area of the brain the injury affects determines the type of cerebral palsy. Injury to the cerebellum can result in a form called hypotonic cerebral palsy.

There are certain signs that may suggest the presence of hypotonic cerebral palsy. Normally infants give only a moderate amount of resis…

L with flair.

It's not easy being a princess-bride.

Libby loves dressing up. I always find it amusing to see what she'll be dressed up in next. This was one of her most recent ensembles.

My grief.

My Grief- Written by me.

Sad. Slip. Falling into the shadow.
A scratchy blanket that does not bring warmth but leaves you raw. Itchy. Painful. Smothered.

Dreams leave you with the realization, Yes, they really are gone. You see them. You touch them. They are real.
Then you wake.

Sink. Sank. Sunk. Like Mud. Deeper. succumbing to the depths. Boots mired down.

Confusion. No explanation. Crisis. Tragedy. Bad words that don't make sense.

Loss. Overwhelming sorrow drown. drown. drown.

Know the truth. Taste the pain. Bitter on the tongue. Trials. Build. Perservere. Grow. change. Different.

God is good. He loves me so.
Hope. Jesus. Hold on. Never Let go.

Swept Away.

I find myself sweeping on a daily basis. And this pile is a symbol of my everyday pile. it will return tomorrow. I will sweep again. And it will be back.

Dreams of a hardwood floor vacuum dance in my head...
I take it back, I did have an alligator wrestling day. Ian dumped hot sweet tea on me. My hair, shirt, carpet... on the therapist and on himself and Michael. He is very quick with a mug. Michael threw up on me twice. I whirled and whirled around cleaning up one mess after the next. Laundry. New sheets on the bed. Dishes. Make meals. Change poopy diaper. change another one... and what? Oh change another one! Yet God is there in my alligator-wrestling days. He's not intimidated by the sharp claws or thrashing tail... He is in control of it all. He maneuvers and guides me through my dad. Step by step. Moment by moment. Breath by breath.

Wrestling Alligators.

Some mornings feel like I'm positively wrestling an alligator. Today is not one of those days. With limited activity due to my best beloved taking the kids to school. But lately it has been wrestling alligators. All the boys have been sick again. So, on the first day of school instead of Samuel attending I was taking him and Ian and Michael to the doctors. (Where we proceeded to be for the next 2 1/2 hours). Blood tests. Chest x-rays. Doling out antibiotics all around. An oral steroid there. An inhaler here. Cough. Cough.

Libby enjoyed her first day of school. And by her second she was crying when I made her leave. She LOVES school. She comes home and sings songs and tell stories and talks about dressing up. Her teacher Mrs. Wood hugged her goodbye yesterday. Libby clinged to her like glue and Mrs. Wood said, "I love you my Libby." Melted my heart.

Samuel experienced his first day of school yesterday. He seemed to love it. I loved his classroom... very cool! H…

6 years.

Mike and I just celebrated our 6th Anniversary yesterday. It's hard to believe we've been married that short. Most people would say married that long but I feel like we've crammed in a couple of decades in those six short years.

Time has passed. There's much that has happened and yet I am still in love. In fact I am more in love with Mike today than I was the day I said my vows.

Bachelor's Degree
4 Babies
7 Moves!
Master's Degree
Job Changes: teaching, barista at Starbucks, working at a book store, serving at Olive Garden, newspaper route, picture taking, building large garden structures, repairing furniture, hauling large things around :), teaching again....

Many losses. Many medical crisis', many sick children. Many failures. Many successes. A season of survival mode that hasn't stopped since March 2004... and through it all:

My husband has been faithful, gracious, generous, loving, loyal, compassionate, forgiving, forbearing, gentle, and strong.