Thursday, February 25, 2010

Libby is singing downstairs. Samuel is pretending to be a puppy. I’m hoping they won’t wake the twins up with their playing.

I’m sitting on my bed, actually more like reclining right now, and watching the sad gray sky. It looks like I feel, despondent.

I feel like a thick and heavy fog has descended upon me and won’t lift. Brokenness is something I know well. I am unable to do that which I desire. BUT lest you think God has abandoned me, think again. My hope rests in Him. Because it is not in my work or in my doing but In Christs’! He has rescued this broken, sinful woman and has made me whole. Because I am in Christ I am found perfect, spotless, whole, beautiful, redeemed, chosen, adopted, forgiven, and loved!

This damned depression is not me. It is who I am in Him! It is His work in me that will make me different. So if I do ANYTHING good it is because of HIM!

Today if I untangle my daughter’s jewelry without complaining, if I do 3loads of laundry and wash dishes and feed my children and change their diapers…. All good I have done is because of Him. So now I rest… Free…in the knowing of whose I am.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I've broken 3 things in the past 24 hours. Unbelievable.

Sad. Distressed. Downhearted. That would be a good description of myself. I just broke the space bar on my keyboard. So that makes 4 things.

I've had two hysterical meltdowns two days in a row.


In the car I sang over and over today, "Arise, Arise, Arise, Arise my soul arise." It was a good reminder. Get out of this funk and gloom.

I ache so bad I'm afraid I will implode or lose my mind. I cry out to God... not to relieve this ache and pain that burns within but to be near and present as I walk through this fire. I just need His nearness. His steady Hand. His Hope. His promises that remain true and faithful even when I'm not.

He's not afraid of my sadness. It's not too big or too small for Him. His faithfulness covers me like a warm blanket. His arms are secure around me. He will not let me falter.

We're teaching Michael how to walk. We hold his little hands and have him practice steps. We are faithful to hold him and catch him lest he fall. My God is like that. He holds my small hands securely. He won't let go. He won't let me fall.

So when I feel the sadness that ensues in my day that promises to engulf and swallow me whole and drown me... I am reminded- HE HOLDS ME.

One of my favorites songs is called Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair

Here is the chorus:

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I feel like such a hypocrite. Can I just erase the previous post? Okay, so it's not that what I said was false. It's just that my mood swings are driving me crazy.

I walked into a baby shower and walked out within 10 minutes. I couldn't handle it. I thought I could. I wanted to see my friend who we were celebrating. And I didn't last. I didn't even get to say hi to her. I don't think she even knew I came.

I started crying. Not the simple crying of shedding a few tears but gut wrenching sobbing. My Aunt walked me out. I called Mike and he came back and picked me up.

I saw my friend cradling her beautiful new son in her arms and it all just came down on me at once. I imagined seeing my sister at a baby shower holding her son. I imagined the joy and laughter it would have brought. I was supposed to throw her a baby shower

You never know when these things will hit but it hit hard and with such a force that it left me breathless and aching all over. I walked out to see two other people coming in with their beautiful children. I felt sick.

Why didn't Libby get to have her baby? Why didn't I get to be an Aunt? Why do I have to walk through this without her here?

These emotions feel so strong and real. But there is One who is greater than all this. And He knows every ache of my heart and every tear that I've cried.

So Jesus hold me. Hold me until all this pain dissipates. This storm is raging and I'm losing. Carry me out of this disaster. I know You are faithful and keep your promises. I know you say you will never leave or forsake me. Thank you that you love the broken hearted and you will bind their wounds. Fix this broken, bleeding heart of mine. Thank you that I know I will see my sister on the other side. I will be in Glory with you and her forever. Until then send Your Comforter. I need Your sweet Love that never lets go. Please, never let me go.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Finding Rhythm.

I'm having a moment to breathe.

Spring is approaching but instead of the binding sadness that usually accompanies the vernal equinox I find my heart lift and warm. A little sunshine today was quite intoxicating.

I think I was actually happy (gasp) today. Happy. Like bouncing on your feet and drumming your fingers to a beat happy. I feel alive and excited. I've forgotten what this feeling was like so it's quite done me in.

I enjoyed a free lunch at McD's with a friend. The kids played and I felt myself just sit and be satisfied. Were the kids perfect today? No. Did I accomplish a ton today? No. But I just felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. AND I was content.

I'm nibbling on strawberries and enjoying some Greek yogurt with honey. I just finished a hard work-out and I feel myself relaxing as I sit in Starbucks with my venti iced water and peace with myself.

The past several weeks I've slept in lately. An extra 45 minutes or so. At first I felt guilty but I got over it when I realized how hard this season is for me. The draining grief. Exhaustion from chasing four munchkins day in and day out. The boys just talk a little longer in their cribs but do great. We then get up together and have oatmeal. I've also been enjoying eggs with an english muffin.

I'm finding the rhythm to my days and life. I'm beginning to know what to expect.

Mike has been working hard and long lately... Praise God for work!

I've been enjoying the kids and also having fun with my new business with Pampered Chef.

Exercise is a normal routine of my life.

Kids have school, therapy, doctors appointments, etc.

I'm taking all four kids to the dentist tomorrow. And Aleya is going with us. It will be a mini-adventure.

Things still happen. We ended up in the ER last Friday with Michael. He pulled out his feeding tube and the hole had closed. We spent hours trying to reopen the site and it was a long, drawn-out, and very painful affair. They didn't even numb the area poor baby! They were unsuccessful getting his g-tube back in. On Sunday Mike and I were able to do it ourselves so we didn't have to go to the hospital on Monday!

But even with events and life and down-times there is hope. I don't feel like I'm drowning everyday. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And so today I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm happy.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Terrible Two's.

My husband would be so proud. I'm eating sushi. And he's not even here to see it! Harris Teeter makes decent sushi when you can't get the "real deal" thing. I'm enjoying their vegetable sushi. Carrots. Avacado. Cucumber. Delish.

Well, on to my real topic of conversation. The terrible two's. Who knew it would get this bad, this early. They are getting into everything. What in the world?!

Ian got upstairs and started dumping whatever he could find at hand and throwing it down the stairs. He even got a framing kit (the kind with nails and push pins, etc.) and threw it down the stairs. Nails went flying and pushpins and tacks were scattered everywhere. I caught Michael before he put the tack in his mouth! Next he started throwing some CD's.

Michael finds baskets or bags or purses and then dumps out their contents.

I've been taking the kids to the YMCA with me. You should see me half wrestle, half corral these children into their supervision area. Thankfully the child care attendants are wonderful. They play with the kids well and are really sweet.

Michael did decide to throw a huge honkin' fit. It was a sight to behold.

I don't know where my brain has been. I guess I just forgot what two year olds are like... and well, I have two of them.

They were conspiring in the bathroom while I was washing dishes up. I caught Ian on the stepstool trying to get the soap and Michael crouched behind him, supportively egging him on.

So, here's to the beginning of mischief...

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Sipping on some solace. It takes the form of a cinnamon dulce latte.

Libby threw up all day Saturday but was much recovered by Sunday.

The twins are acting like 2 year olds... well, I guess they ARE only 2 months early. Ornery. Mischievous. And wonderful.

I've been doing a lot of training online for Pampered Chef. Go ahead and quiz me if you see me. I love their stuff and am excited. Great products. Great value. Great service.

Got a haircut today. I love it. Just hope I can style it like this again.

Still am in quite a funk. Hope to move past it soon. The weather is gray and dim and cheerless. Like someone sucked the color out of the world.

Well, the world may be out of sorts but I can still say "It is Well With My Soul!"

Been listening to Radiohead lately (OK Computer). Pretty Much Addicted. Especially the song "Let Down".

Well, off to see my bambinos and make dinner.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

rollercoaster emotions.

Oh the emotional highs and lows.

Today was a low. Missing my sister more than words can say. Cried a lot today. I think I've been ready for bed since I got out of this morning. Just want to start over.

More aware than ever that it's not about how I feel. This too shall pass.

A poem for the weary. by Jennifer

Weary Wanderer. Plowing Ahead. What Am I planting?
Will it grow?

Tired sojourner. Rest your head. Be comforted in the knowing.

This is not the end. This is not it. You haven't arrived to the beautiful lands.
Your dry soul will be filled and your pain will be quenched.

Your seeds will sing for the sowing.

Hope in the Hope that is all in Christ. The Saviour, the All in All.

He knows your sorrows and carries them so He comforts you with his tender words.

Be not discouraged when the beauty has paled, when the sweetness withers on the vine.

He is a God who is bigger than all, He is powerful and divine.

Oh you doer who keeps on trying let go of your tired tries.

Give up this work that you persist on working. Give up on believing the lies.

It's not what you do but what He has done. Hold onto these truths for all time.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Starting something new.

Well friends after much prayer and thought and more prayer and more thinking... I've decided...

to become a Pampered Chef Consultant!

I am so excited as I start this new endeavor. I really feel it's the next step for me to take. I know it's branching out for me. I'm excited to see what God is going to do as I begin my own business.

Mike's behind me all the way and I am excited to be able to be able to put my family first while doing something that allows me to mix business with pleasure.

So here's to a new beginning!!!!