Showing posts from December, 2011

Half full.

Half of my day my gut was in knots and I wrung my hands walking in circles and feeling like I was going to throw-up on something. Today was Samuel's CT scan. There were some frustrating experiences that kind of exacerbated the anxiety. It wasn't until after 3 in the afternoon that we got results.

Samuel screamed a lot today. We had to do an IV because he no longer has a CVL that we can draw blood from and push contrast through. So... that was painful. He was writhing, shaking, hitting, kicking and pushing. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. It makes me want to go punch a wall. But instead I rub my husband's shoulders as he has our son in a bear embrace to keep Samuel from moving as he is being poked with needles. The first stick didn't take... so guess what... you do it over again.

The problem started early on when the radiologist tech told Samuel that he would need an IV before she had anything to start one with. She wasn't ready or prepared. If looks c…

Christmas reflections

Holidays have this way of bringing out the best and worst in people. I'm constantly amazed by people's hostility and rudeness and also overwhelming kind-heartedness and generosity.

Some people are happy. They are in a new relationship, just got married, got a promotion at work, had a healthy new baby added to the family. And others are devastatingly sad, juggling grief, loss, and painful memories. Others are bewildered. Just tired, overwhelmed, and burnt out.Whether it's loneliness, a loss of job, family member or friend, or just plain exhaustion the holidays tend to exacerbate the situation.

The days run short. The nights run long. The bills stack up.

And then all the events started. School winter programs. Holiday cookies. Reminders to provide hot cocoa for the class event. Pajama day at school. Bring this. Buy that. Remember this. Blah.

I don't mean to sound scroogey but I'm kind of over the chaos of the holidays. People dragging whining children in stores (yes, …

Happy Endings.

Last night was a normal night. Preparing dinner. Getting kids into bed. Doing the teeth brushing ceremonies. The pajama dance. And bedtime reading ritual.

And then I got a message. "They are okay. Kristin and Madison were in a car accident." My stomach dropped. The love I feel for my sister-in-law and my baby niece is intense. If things weren't "okay" I would have been undone.

It's moments like those that I recognize how blessed I am. And how much I love.

The thing I appreciated about how I was told was the first sentence. "They are okay." I know the end result before I even knew what happened.

It's kind of a reminder of where I'm at. I have the promises of God and the hope of Heaven to propel me forward. So the bad thing that happen now are okay. I know the ending.

I wish I could remind myself of this reality regularly. In the end all will be well. This isn't the end of the story. We're caught in the middle right now.

Can you imag…

In the Storm

I don't know how good you are at reading between the lines so let me spell it out for you... I'm not doing well right now. My mind has been tossed to and fro and I've been shaken to my inmost parts. I feel like a fragile bird's shell. The slightest pressure breaks me and spills me out. And it's messy. Very messy.

The intensity of life has been building over the years and I'm so worn out. I no longer have a shell to protect me. My skin is vulnerable. No scales to cover or shield me. I'm completely exposed. Raw. Pathetic and broken.

I have gone to some of my close friends and sought help. So much good encouragement. My Grandma reminded me to listen for God's answer. And this morning in the middle of cleaning the kitchen I heard Him. Nothing audible. Nothing life-shattering. But a simple prompt in my heart, "I've already lived life perfectly. You are released."

Whoa. You mean I don't have to keep trying... I had found myself saying over …
I'm lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off. The reminder that my day needs to officially begin. I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't fall asleep until after 1:30. I could hear Mike getting up at 5:30 to wrangle the kids into their clothes and see them off to the bus. 6:55 my alarm reminds me to take some action. So I set my alarm for 7:15 and I lie in bed sick to my stomach with anxious thoughts swirling in my head. Thankfully my son comes to bother me a few times so I can't fall back asleep. He needs me to help him open his wrapper on his breakfast bar among other needs.

My eyes sting and feel itchy and scratchy. My throat burns as it has for almost a week now. And I lay in bed unsettled, restless and wild.

I don't want to start this day. I want to fall asleep with the blankets over my head and just pretend it all away. Maybe I don't need to be responsible this day. But I do. And I need to get ready now. And yet I keep typing.

Maybe if I type long …


I've been weary. The kind of weariness that almost takes on a dream-like quality. I find myself trying to do things but I keep going slower and slower. It's like I'm moving through mud... or maybe even quick sand. Because not only is it hard to keep pressing forward but I find myself sinking down, down, down. Almost afraid that I will soon be in over my head.

Tomorrow (December 7th) would have been my beautiful sister's 29th birthday. And she's not here to celebrate with. She's having the best party imaginable. In Heaven. With Jesus. And her son. And those who have gone ahead. Lucky.

In the meantime I'm still in this sinful, painful, broken world. And frankly it sucks.

I find myself going through the motions. doing laundry. Washing dishes. Preparing meals. Giving kids their medicine. Reading books. Exercising. But I feel so on the brink of breaking. Imploding. Collapsing in on myself.

Even the normal and mundane tasks feel more than I can bear. a fatigue ha…