Showing posts from 2012

grief musings

I feel a bit tongue-tied. I mean how do you talk about the normal daily grind when there's been a national tragedy?

I had originally wanted to share my whirl-wind trip to CA but somehow i feel shallow talking about what fun I had and what a great break it was and all.

This is the strange thing about tragedy. Most people's lives move on... and usually relatively fast unless you were someone who is extremely close to the situation.

I speak from experience.

Although my sister's death was nearly 9 years ago I'm still severely affected. But people around us move on. They have lives and change and grow and develop. They have other life events: marriage, babies, grandbabies, new jobs, cars, homes, friends, and even other deaths.

The people in Newtown are not going to "move on"... they will move through. They will eventually have a new normal. But it's like losing a limb. It's not best to pretend that someone didn't lose a limb. Someday they will be able …
This is my sis-in law, Kristin. I love her so much. She's an amazing woman. Crazy sweet, sarcastic, funny, organized, and beautiful. So grateful for her. Just thought I should say it out loud...

Response to School Shooting in Conneticut

My heart is broken. I was sitting in the car listening to K-Love when the news came on to announce a school shooting in Southern Connecticut. 26 dead of which 18 were children. Life comes in perspective in these moments. My anxieties about my holiday planning, the concerns about parenting, and life in general seem to evaporate quickly like morning dew.

I have four children in elementary school. I can't imagine the heartache that these parents are facing. I can't imagine the fear that the survivors are feeling. When you can't send your small children to school with peace in your heart...

It's taking everything within me to not rush to my kids school and pick them up.

How do we deal with tragedy like this? How do we trust in God's goodness in spite of such evil that is present in this world?

Honestly I don't have answers. I still trust and believe in God's goodness... and I hold onto the knowledge that He's in control. And though that control sometimes do…

This was not the plan.

My good intentions of exercising and showering didn't happen. Instead I got some stuff done. Stumbled back to bed while PJ was napping and drifted off to sleep. I awoke with a call from the nurse at my kid's school. I thought she was calling to tell me that Michael's bandage had come undone but instead it was about Samuel. Instantly my adrenaline was running... again.

The nurse explained that Samuel was having pain and she could actually see the spot that he was pointing to that hurt... and that it was swollen and puffy.

Okay, let me just tell you now. This is every pediatric oncology parent's nightmare. What?! Is the cancer back? Did he grow a tumor since his last scan, just four short weeks ago?

I went to school and picked up Samuel and Libby. I called our pediatrician's office while on the way there. I explained to the administrative staff what was going on. They managed to get us in within less than 15 minutes.

The doctor was thorough and kind, which was nice, b…

Broken fingers & Broken hearts.

I'm writing by Christmas tree candle light, in the early morning hours, after sending the four out the door with Papa (Mike). This morning wasn't unusual in any particular way except that it felt difficult. I needed to provide money for Michael to go to "Santa's workshop" at school.Libby couldn't find her P.E. shoes. Ian spilled pink powder all over the kitchen floor. Children were more demanding than usual about getting milk. Notes had to be written to teachers. Coffee & protein drink for Mike. Cleaning up dishes. Rallying them to cooperate with me.

And I'm so tired. And anxious.

This week-end Mike and I decided to leave our home as the property was going to be taken over by a billion guys in camouflage and airsoft guns. My brother is the proud owner of Ballahack Airsoft and had an "op" this weekend. It's pretty awesome but it meant that the land would be full of people, vehicles, and we wouldn't be able to go outside. So we went to…

Calculator, Ma!

Okay, so yesterday I had five sick kids so I took them to the doctors... by myself.

Peter became fascinated with the calculator in the waiting room... and soon Samuel took interest as well. He started punching numbers.

"Look Mom. 8 plus 7 and it gives me the answer 15!"

Needless to say it reminded me of one of my favorite skits on SNL...

Guess what's going to be in Samuel's stocking for Christmas this year... Yep, a calculator.

(Dollar Tree has a tone of different colors/varieties!)

Hope you enjoy the skit as much as I do...

while you were sleeping...


Broken Christmas Cards

I found myself online looking through Christmas cards to find one for this years family photo. I’m a sucker. I really love picture Christmas cards. As I scrolled down the options on the page I was captured by the bright colors and sentimental words.
Something began to feel off. I noticed that each picture represented was perfect. No one was unhappy or ugly or crying. You looked at the pictures represented and couldn’t help but think these people live a charmed life… at least that’s how they’re represented. Now I recognize that these are beautiful models being used to sell Christmas cards but it felt so false and artificial.
Am I saying it’s wrong to use a good photo? No, of course you should use your best picture. Is it wrong to have cute kids? Absolutely not. My kids are adorable.
I guess I’m just realizing we’re not always smiling. Our clothing isn’t always perfect and pristine.And sometimes you can’t always see the heartache behind the smiles.
When did we stop being genuine? Why i…

Lib's Party

Libby's birthday party last week was a fun time of hanging out and laughing. Eating fun food. Playing pin the tail on the deer to accentuate our woodland themed party. A lot of her friends were unable to attend due to illness and to the party's change of date due to hurricane sandy. She worked through her disappointment and made the most of it... which to say, was a blast!

halloween reflections

Halloween was a strange day for us. Samuel's CT scan early in the morning. A day full of long crazy waiting. a day spent holding our breaths and frizzled and frazzled with the tension of much anticipated news. In the evening before we knew the results we gathered the kids and dressed them up. I took them to the mall for their first experience ever of trick or treating. they had a great time.

Big 2!

Today my baby is 2. Happy Birthday Peter Joel. The blessing of having you in our family is abundantly clear to all who know us. You are a joy to have in our lives. I love the way you seek to make your siblings laugh. You are already the class clown.
I will never forget meeting you on the day you were born. You were a huge sweet chunky bundle of love. 9lbs, 4 oz. and tremendously "short" at 18 3/4inches. I felt like I birthed a baby butterball. I loved all the rolls I could bite on and your beautiful head of dark hair. 
I remember praying that I could take you home the day I went home from the hospital and the Lord kindly heard my prayers! You were in the Special Care Nursery for a few days so we could get your sugar stabilized and then home you came the day I went home. I was so grateful. 
Peter you brought so much joy in the midst of such extreme suffering and intense trials. Samuel was so sick when you were born. He was throwing up all the time and the chemo was so rough on…
After a long painful wait and having to call the "on-call, urgent-only" oncologist we have our results.

No evidence of disease.

Yay! One year of "clear scans."

All is well.


Thankfully we didn't lose any power during the storm. And the storm wasn't really anything more than a typical rainstorm out here. We had some minor flooding but the puddles have dissipated and we were able to easily get to the Children's Hospital this morning.

Samuel got an IV early this morning, a CT scan, chest x-ray and blood draws.

We are waiting for results.

I must confess the adrenaline and anxiety are a nasty combination. Praying and hoping for the best but trusting God ultimately that all things are in His hands, including Samuel.

Fixing my eyes on Christ...

Lib's 8th birthday