Monday, January 31, 2011

Not all these events happen every day but they could be found in a typical day in my home.

-Fries being flung from upstairs to the downstairs through the railing. As well as dirty clothes and assorted toys being thrown from the second floor to the first floor.

-Children fully dressed in the shower.... AGAIN!!!

-Legos and goldfish... in MY bed.

-Apple slices in my tulip arrangement.

-Dry oatmeal in my candle jar.

-6 "Blowout diapers"... in one day.

-18-24 diaper changes in a day.

- 13 cans of pediasure in a day.

- 12 + assorted medications.

-poop on my jeans. Applesauce in my hair.

-Scratches (accidentally) from my kids.

-Multiple boxes of bandaids.

-Pancake Batter Adhered to the counter.

-Marshmallow vomit on the rug.

-"Freshly" sprayed stairs... with fabric wrinkle remover.

-a rubber ball in the bathroom sink... stuck in the pipe.

-a cup of water spilled on electronics.

-tea never sipped, now cold on the counter.

-My nursing bottles for my pump that were on my counter...MISSING!

- My earplugs in a childs nose.

-Goldfish in the toilet

-Marker on the couch.

- Disney stickers on my laptop.

-Breakfast dishes in the sink... from the day before.

-Something broken... always something broken most every day.

-Barbie shoes in random places... recently found in an undergarment.

-My bookmark taken out of the book. My kids LOVE doing this!

-8 loads of laundry

-Someone using my toothbrush.

-A child asleep with body half on/half off the couch.

-Water or milk from a sippy cup being added to someone's lunch or dinner plate.

-Kleenex Tissues completely emptied from a fresh box.

-Mike or I's meal from a couple hours before still in the microwave that we forgot about....

-Veggie Tales songs being sung at the top of one's lungs

-"I want lollipop". "I want gum." Come on you guys, it's 8:30 in the morning!

- somebody helping themselves to my coffee...

-A hole in the bag of potato chips... due to mice

-Finding a child completely naked after naptime

- The word "Mommy" said a minimum of five thousand times in one day.

- "Mommy, are you going to make me eat something new?!"

-Me: "First lunch, then cookie." A certain child's response.... "First cookie...."

-Child 1 asking Me... " Where's So-and-So..." Me: "They're in the bathroom." Second Child (extra loud), "because that's where they put their POOP & PEE-PEE!"

- "Mom, I think you should get pregnant and try to have a GIRL this time!"

- "Where are the twins?????! Oh NO!!!!!"

What we Need to Buy Stock in: (because we purchase by the vat, ha ha)

-Mott's Applesauce.
-Desitin Diaper Cream
-Huggies & Pampers Diapers & wipes
-Silk (vanilla soymilk)
-Quaker Oatmeal
-Go-gurts by Yoplait
-Lansinoh Nursing supplies
-Libby's Juicy Juice
-Target & Target Pharmacy
-Bountys Paper Towels
-Toilet Paper
And so on and so forth :)

Seriously Thank God for wholesale clubs. We go through so much, so fast! I guess that's what happens in a family of 7.
I think I'm doing okay. I'm feeling more confident... feeling more able and then wham. Reality hits. Aaaagggh. Retreat. Run for cover. What on earth was I thinking? It's all to much. Run away. Run away.

Okay. So it's a little theatrical... but it's how I feel. If I have to tell my kids "NO!" one more time I might truly need to be committed. So when they ask why the men in the white coats came to get Mommy... tell them it was from saying No to much :) Okay, so now I'm just being loopy.

The expectations I have for myself are staggering. I want to do it all and be it all. I want perfection. I want to STRIVE for everything. I think sometimes God gives me days like this to remind me, "Hey, Jennifer.... SLOW down! Don't try and do it all. You can't. You're a creature. You're limited. I'm in control, remember?"

"Oh Yeah! Thanks God!"

Feelings are powerful, aren't they? Imagine if I told you tomorrow you would be given $10,000 dollars. Now how would you feel? Wouldn't you be happy and excited? Planning on how to use the money? Investing? A new wardrobe? A fun shopping trip at Target? Or hey, maybe you'd be thinking, "yeah, I can pay the bills now... or get out of some debt, etc." There's some relief. Some happiness.

Now what if i told you tomorrow you owed someone $10,000. Do you feel some anxiety, stress, fear, anger?

Funny how our feelings tend to correspond with our perspective on our circumstances. What I want is to align my actions with truth... not with how I feel.

My hormones are going crazy... the mood swings are driving me nuts... this post-partum thing is still happening... So, instead of beating myself up and freaking out I'm going to be kind. "Hey, self. It's okay. This will pass. This feeling will pass. You feel moody and flighty and cagey... It will go away. Take it easy and recognize that you can't do it all."

Jesus, Thank you for holding me close to you. Thank you for redeeming me and calling me Yours! Thank you that you have not left me to myself. Help me to walk by faith into what you have planned for me. I love you sweet Jesus. Amen.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

(written on Saturday night)

I'm looking off at Peter. I know he's going to fall asleep. If I just keep hoping he will fall asleep.... eventually.... right? We've been playing the up and down game. I just want to unwind and go to bed but he has other plans. Now he's cooing. He knows how to get to me. I love when he's babbling. He's had this insane schedule of pooping and eating tonight. This little man is on a mission!

He keeps looking at me with his dark blue eyes... pleading, practically begging me to hold him. His eyes are this amazing blue... sometimes they look purple. I now understand the how some people have "violet eyes".

I have fed him, changed him, comforted him, swaddled him. I've jiggled the passy several times.

I was in this crazy mood last night. I had so much energy and was so awake... so what did I do? I rearranged the living room furniture, I cleaned out the pantry and the downstairs closet and reorganized a ton of kitchen cabinets. I folded laundry and put things away and did dishes and swept. Yep, I was cleaning and organizing til after 3 in the morning. I think I fell asleep around 4. But this morning when I woke it was worth it!

I've gotten rid of a ton of stuff. Medical stuff is more organized. The counter spaces are clear. I know, and boy, DO I KNOW, that this won't last forever but it felt so good to be productive and deal with some stuff that's been driving me nuts.

Ian has a fever over 100. Libby had had a fever a few days ago. Michael has a fever of over 101... and has also been projectile vomiting. Samuel's been complaining of not feeling well, headache, tummy hurting. He's thrown up a few times. Fun, fun. Glad I'm on the mend so I can care for my babies.

It's funny how when you start to feel like you're getting yourself together in one area then something else starts happening in another area. Life just keeps going. It doesn't stop. It doesn't pause. It keeps coming whether you're ready or not. Whether you want it to or not. And that actually is a beautiful thing at times about life.

It won't get stuck in the same place.

It moves by. You can't stay stuck in "Monday" for forever.... unless you're Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

Your dreaded exam will come and go. You will teach your child to be potty trained....eventually. The dentist can't drill in your mouth for eternity. That event you're dreading going to, whatever it is, will pass. You will get through it.. because time goes on.... minutes turn to hours. Monday turns to Tuesday. Days melt into months and transform into years. It passes.... and soon, all too soon Today becomes Yesterday.

I've been going through a lot of items and asking myself, "Do I use this item? Often enough to warrant keeping it? Do I have another just like it? Can I live without it? Would someone else be better off with it? Is this item meaningful? Beautiful? Useful? Does it reflect my personal style and taste?

I have found I have justified keeping things that I can't fit, that are broken, ugly, old, outdated, unuseful for far too long. I'm learning to let go. I want to see how much I can live without. I want to clear out the clutter.

In addition, I've been trying to live in the moment and enjoy the NOW. I'm trying to take time to focus on the kids in the moment. I want to HEAR what they're really saying... and not respond to what I imagine they're going to ask. I'm trying to savor the sweetness of the harrowing moments. I'm trying to enjoy each hug and kiss. Focus on each prayer. I can spend so much time planning ahead that I'm never really in the moment that I'm in.

I'm good about planning and preparing but the thing is that won't serve me if I'm not engaged in the present. So yes, I want to plan, but I want to LIVE in the NOW!

So, for right now, I'm going to enjoy my baby and comfort him again... and snuggle and enjoy the sweet smell and sweet sounds he makes.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Okay, it looks as though I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. Last night I started getting a fever, sore throat, and aches all over. Fun, fun.

I've got antibiotics, an inhaler and mucinex.

There's a wedding in 10 days. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

It's so exciting but everyone has been sick with the flu... my dad, brother, Kristin, and now my husband feels crummy... I think we even gave something to my friend Kelsey. Bummer.

Well, there's a wedding meeting in 10 min. gotta run to the barn. I wonder if I can show up in my jammies and bathrobe... just kidding... sort of.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Radiation at Virginia Beach General starts tomorrow. I'm getting the kids to school and then taking myself to the doctors... I think I have a bad chest cold and a sinus infection. So probably antibiotics will help.

So much happening around here. Mike is taking samuel to Va. Beach and then to CHKD... and then home.

Life is never dull.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 5 of radiation down. Samuel is doing well.

Tired but all relatively well in the house. I've had some weird chest cough thing going. But hot water with lemon and honey is divine.

Haven't been able to post at home... internet down for the time being.

Too busy to pay the bills... hee hee...

Doesn't money stink sometimes... the fact that you need it. I say that half gesting but also more aware that God is in control and He's supplying for our needs.

So much is happening.

There's a wedding happening out here in 15 days. Samuel, Libby, Mike and I are all in the wedding. I'm so excited. My brother is getting married to the most amazing person.

It's so funny how I have prayed for God to give me a good relationship with my sister-in-laws and he's answering that prayer!!!! First I have Kristin... and then in April Courtney. I'm one lucky girl.

Kristin and Christopher will be living in the house on the third floor. Their home is still under construction but they will have their own efficiency appartment. So first there's my parents who live in the "Nest" and now my brother and sister will be living in what we will call the "Loft".

Isn't that cool?!

3 Families in one home... and Ben... our housemate. It's a full house. This year there will be 13 of us living together. I love it!

Well, I've gotta go. Time is of the essence and all that...

Joy & sunshine to you and yours...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Make a meal?

If you're interested in making a meal for us you can sign up on food tidings.

As I'm doing Weight Watchers and trying to be healthy we are asking for healthy meals! We love chicken (the kids are crazy about rotisserie chicken) and brown rice/wild rice etc. We love vegetables and salad... Fruit is a plus. No pressure to make a meal...

We didn't want meals after Peter was born and after Samuel's diagnosis but during this time of radiation it will be very helpful! Thank you!

Sunday, January 09, 2011

It's funny how quickly life goes by. My last post was on New Year's. and here it is almost the 10th as I write. Samuel goes into clinic tomorrow. Afterward he will be sedated and have a CT scan that's an evaluation on how the chemo is affecting the tumor. Hoping for good news.

Mike and I got go away for an overnight. It was wonderful to spend some time together. We left Peter at home with bottles of pumped milk. We could never have done this without Kelsey and Aleya. Thank you ladies! What a gift. Just being able to talk without distractions and interruptions is amazing. Thank you Julie for letting us use your efficiency!

Samuel's new CVL seems to be working fine. He has been really up and full of energy... the chemo seems to be just about kicking in. Having a few weeks break from chemo really let his personality come back through. I think this last treatment is about to catch up with him. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Wonderful to get to see him be himself.

Days have been challenging. There is more to do than can be done. I'm daily submitting myself to God and asking Him, "What do I with today?"

Overwhelming is an understatement. Sometimes I feel like depression is going to smother me. I know God is faithful and He will be again. I just have to hang onto hope in the moment. Remind myself that He is with me. It's easy to become exhausted and frustrated with life. Discouraged by my inabilities. And then discouraged by my perfectionism and striving. I want to "get it all right." I want the "normal" life, whatever the heck that means.

Just found out that Libby is "citizen of the month" at school. That's fun! She is really doing a tremendous job. I'm very proud of her. She is an excellent big sister. She is so loving and caring to Samuel. She's quick to rescue Peter if he's crying and lost his pacifier. She's patient with Michael. And with Ian... well she's a Mama Hen and puts him in his place... Really though she's dear to all her brothers.

Peter's 2 month well check-up is Tuesday. I can't wait to see how much he weighs now. He's gotten so big.

Well, to bed, tomorrow is another day. I think Peter is finally falling asleep...

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Had a great day. A little bit out of it. I got some extra sleep. I worked on cleaning my room and specifically purging clothes that don't fit right or I don't like. I even went on a date with Mike tonight. I was able to eat well today. I even had a few treats and stayed within my daily points.

One thing that was discouraging is I discovered that Samuel will continue getting chemo even though he'll be getting radiation... I thought the chemo stopped during radiation... It doesn't.

He has radiation simulation on Monday as well as CT scan. I look forward to him coming out of the hospital Monday night!

To see my New Year's Goal
Check out my other blog: Fearfully & Wonderful Made.