Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Putting perfection on the shelf.

I've been awake for almost 22 hours. I stepped on a vacuum cord plug with my bare foot. It hurt. I made myself a protein shake and left it in the kitchen only to come to the bedroom and wonder where I put my drink.

Sleep deprivation is a crazy thing... it literally makes you crazy. Your brain starts misfiring. I completely expect myself at this point to right something ridiculous, perposterous or horribly misspelled. Case in point... how does one spell proposterous? perposterous? You get the point.

Thankful my worth doesn't come from my ability to be eloquent or poignant. To have the right thing to say... my worth comes from Jesus. I'm so glad I can rest, truly rest. I don't have to have it together. I don't need to be perfect. I can come messy, broken and needy, desperate for grace. desperate for an encounter with Him and He's faithful to meet me.

It's been a month now that I've had to bow out of Crossfit. My knee injury has put my ability to exercise strenuously on the back burner. Today I finally went to my Doctors. I did x-rays and all was fine with my bones. Next step is MRI. Concern is that I've torn something. My knee is swollen and inflamed and the pain wakes me in the middle of the night.... hence being up for 22 hours. And it hasn't gotten better... it's gotten worse.

So I'm letting go of these perfect expectations I have for myself. My trust in my own ability to make me successful or svelte or super.... and instead I will look to His perfection and say that it's more than enough for me. I can't control these things. I can acknowledge my limits and embrace what I'm given. So deep breaths.

And now off to dreamland.

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Surgery, Seals and more surrender.

Michael's Seal
Tomorrow morning I intend to wake up early...To pack my bag for the hospital, finish the last minute odds and ends and double-check Michael packed the necessities in addition to his birthday cards, a fortune cookie, and a 5 pack puzzle of Paw Patrol. I'm up late switching laundry. I just put the larger than life overstuffed seal into the dryer along with puppy (also a stuffed animal). They have been thoroughly washed and hopefully will be sufficiently dry for the morning.

Michael is going into CHKD for cleft palate repair. He hasn't had a surgery on his cleft palate for almost 8 years... so it's been a while. A little nervous but I know he's going to do great. I wish I could say the same for myself. I mean, I will be fine. It's just this continual process of letting go of my fear and worry and anxiety and trusting God... you know, that's all.

We've been pushing for this procedure for over a year. With the help and advocacy of Michael's speech therapist we are finally moving forward.

So in addition to it being May the 4th be with you... it's also a day to wait in the hospital and hang out overnight.

How you can pray:

- Pray for a smooth procedure. It's scheduled to take over 3.5 hours. We are hoping the fissure in his cleft will be full and completely blocked so that Michael's hypernasality will be reduced and so he can speak in sentences without running out of breath.

-Pray for Michael to find another self-comfort other than putting his hands in his mouth. He has sucked his hand since he was in the womb. We've been trying to break him of this habit but have had no success. We have  an arm restraint that he will be wearing. It is his greatest comfort to suck his hand and we have to keep things out of his mouth. Hoping to find another replacement to engage his hands.

-Pray that we have a smooth adjustment coming back home and settling in. Mike will be leaving to go out of town for work and this is hard for all of us but especially for Michael.

-Pray for full healing and recovery

And so I surrender again. I lay down my hopes and expectations and ask God the creator and sustainer of Michael to come and bring peace through His Holy Spirit. To cast out all fear with His perfect love and to remind me continually that God loves Michael infinitely more than I possibly could.