Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Lately I've been finding it hard to breathe. Pregnancy issues... no. Moving related... no. It's grief. I feel like it's swallowing me whole. Everynight for the past week or so I have dreamt about my sister. And there's always a wedding. Someone's wedding. It changes everynight. So sometimes I literally have to stop and take deep breaths. I cried a lot today. I cried over what could have been and what I have lost. I cried over my brother-in-law. I cried for my family. I cried that I am once again having a child that my sister won't meet, hug or snuggle on this side of earth. My throat is sore from all the supressed tears.
Her birthday is next Friday. She would have been 25.
The pain is so deep. I don't think someone could ever understand until they've tasted death. Until it happens to you it doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if this is how it feels for normal people at the end of their life. You start to experience the loss of others. But maybe it doesn't matter because by then your life is long and you're ready to go home. Maybe then those you lose have had a long time. Not that it's ever great to lose someone. I guess tragic & sudden losses are a different experience.
I'm reading Till We Have Faces (C.S. Lewis) again. The last time I read it was shortly before Libby passed. It was one of her favorite books and I'm glad that I can sit and enjoy a book that she loved. It makes me feel closer to her somehow.
My plans for the 7th include: eating some ice-cream, letting go of some balloons for Libby & Sam, watching Return to Me and bawling my eyes out, and working on a scrapbook page of her. Any other suggestions would be appreciated.
"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." ~ Emily Dickinson
She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot
While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil. ~John Taylor
Okay people, I really should have posted this on Saturday or at least yesterday but things have been busy. We found a new place. It's a 2 bedroom appartment with very limited storage and small living space but so perfect for minimizing and downsizing. It's the right price and the perfect location. I can walk Libby to church which is where school/bible study/church are. I will be looking for some creative storage ideas. One of the great things is that we're renting month to month so when we feel like it's time to move... we can move.
My friend Sonya was over all day helping me pack. She has two kids and needless to say our kids played from 8:30 a.m. till 7 p.m tonight while we packed, packed, and packed. And this saint is coming over tomorrow. She has been such a blessing to me. She provided me a meal for dinner tonight.
Anyway, I want to make sure you all get my new address so please e-mail me and I will send it to you. I'm having issues with my e-mail but will try and get it up and running so that I can e-mail you all. Please pray that God will give me the strength, energy and fortitude for packing and cleaning and then cleaning and unpacking. I am so excited and blessed to have a new home. I am so blessed by the Lord's provision in our lives in all the big and small ways! We serve such a gracious God who is constantly amazing me.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Everytime I see this picture I crack up. This was Libby on her birthday. I think she had too much birthday or something. She was a colorful cutie all day. She even said good-bye to her passy that day. We tied balloons to her passy and she let it go. Anyway, just wanted to share a picture of her day in October.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I am sitting down to type with my son trying to attack me with a piece of bridge that goes to a train set. Libby is exhausted from having waken up way too early for the past several days is attempting a nap but is failing miserably. And I am sitting here in a t-shirt and sweat pants and a pounding headache and thinking, "Oh no, Thanksgiving is tomorrrow." I told myself this year that I would insist on NOT making pies. I mean heck, I was already making the full-on dinner right? Well, there was nothing frozen to buy except for mince pie- yeck. So instead I am making my brother his pumpkin pie, and deep dish apple pie, and I did find a pecan pie to purchase in addition to a cheesecake. And how many of us are there eating this dinner... 6 adults. Yeah, lots of pie. It's a good thing I invited my friend and her husband and two children over for coffee and dessert.
My parents and my brother and his girlfriend and driving up today. The list is mounting in my head of what "must" be done. Vaccuuming. Dishes. Making pies. making dinner for tonight (black bean and spinach lasagna... my absolute favorite). making make-ahead french toast so I don't need to make breakfast tomorrow. Oh, yeah, and packing and sorting. And some cleaning. And keeping sane with two very crazy children today.
I keep losing weight and last night I broke out with a rash on my chest and tummy. My friend told me she thinks it's the stress. I think she's right. We're moving everything out by next Friday but we still don't have a new place to live and we're not sure where we're putting this stuff. It's the stuff that nightmares are made of.
Did you notice in the above paragraph I used the word tummy? Am I a mom or what?
for some good news: Mike think he did well on his recent Hebrew super quiz (which is really a nice way of saying test). Libby has put her potty in the potty twice. Samuel is really beginning to walk. I haven't had a melt down so far and I have had a friend help me pack almost all day yesterday and came over again at night to help me pack... and we did have a cheesecake with fresh rasberries and drizzled dark chocolate break :)
My e-mail is acting funky again and it won't let me check it. Hmmm. What's up with that? Well, I'm off to take some 8 hr. Tylenol and eat breakfast- no wonder I'm feeling crazy... it's after 11 and I still haven't eaten anything!
Hope your Wednesday is peaceful and relaxing and not to crazy with traveling or cooking or solving the world's problems. Take time to think of what your thankful for... I'm going to list some right now for myself...
1.) A loving God and Savior who is continuing to redeem me in the midst of all my imperfections and brokenness.
2.) A husband who is the best in the world and the most caring, compassionate, and sexy man I have ever known!
3.) 3 beautiful kids. Two that I can physically hug and kiss and one that I carry with me everywhere :)
4.) Running, clean water. Food in my cupboard. A roof over my head. Clothes. A car that works.
5.) Relationships. With my family. With my friends. With other believers.
6.) Church, caregroup, and women's Bible study.
7.) Trader Joe's, Target, and Starbucks.
8.) Medical care and therapy for Samuel.
9.) Books. Being literate.
10.) My Mac and internet.
11.) Libby's school.
12.) My Philly friends: Tosha and Sonya.
13.) Being pregnant.
14.) The Bible.
15.) Pickles. Blintzes. Burger King's 99 cent junior whoppers. Oranges. All the things I've been craving this pregnancy.
16.) My health.
17.) Soaks in a tub. Painting your nails. Hot water bottles. Massages.
18.) Birthday Parties.
19.) Classic Movies old and new.
20.) Veggie Tales
Monday, November 19, 2007
God's faithfulness is so evident in my life when I look back to where I was almost 2 years ago. This was when I was in pre-term labor (January 2006) and when Samuel was born February 16, 2006. We have come such a long way. Samuel is a healthy thriving boy in comparison to the little preemie who was intibated and couldn't be touched for many days. Broke our hearts for a while not being able to to touch or hold him. Let me show a comparion picture so you can see how far we've come. We have been so blessed. Our son is alive. He has made it thus far. Sometimes I need to remind myself of the ways God has been faithful in the past so that the present concerns and worries won't seem so large and that I can remember that I have a Father who knows my needs and cares for me. How blessed I am!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
There is a mouse running all around my floor. He keep stopping and looking up at me as if to say, "What?" Maybe the next place won't have mice. I wouldn't mind them if they would just keep their mouths off my food that's stored away. I mean come on, there's like a billion crumbs from the kids they could eat off, right?
It's a funny thing but I think in general you can see if I'm doing well or not by how often I post on my blog. I haven't been posting lately... Hmmm, but I do think this has been an extra-ordinarily crazy time. With Libby being sick and the Napiers being here packing is the only thing that's been getting done. Faf (my mom-in-law) cooked almost every meal and did all the dishes. I am wondering if Heaven will be like that sometimes. Good food, no work. Don't get me wrong- I love to cook, it's just nice having a break.
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of guilt and condemnation. I've forgotten to call, e-mail, write a thank-you note, send a package, or something for someone. I feel like I'm in a fog and I'm just trying to see ahead of me. I've been pathetic at communicating and so, so, so tired. I slept for like 4 hours this afternoon and guess what? I'm on my way to bed after this. I know it's stupid to beat myself up over stuff but I do it. I feel like I become my own punching bag. Lots of good intentions. Lots of great plans fallen to the way side.
I barely have the energy to pack right now, so you can forget about putting on a party to sell purses for a great cause. Then there's the hard stuff like getting bombarded by World Vision, Compassion International, Samaritan's Purse, Opearation Smile, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, and Angel Tree who all want my money and they're even willing to double it if I act now. I want to give but we can't. It's so hard. Part of me is just dying because I want to give to those things. I want to bless people with clean water or new shoes or a much needed blanket or to put food in someone's belly... so what do I do with that?
And there's just Christmas in general. I can feel the spirit of materialism falling on me like a wet blanket. Isn't this cute or sweet? If you love them then give them the best. But this, buy that. You need this. They need this. blah. blah. blah. I was wondering when we went from giving gifts to Jesus to trading with each other? Don't get me wrong I love to give gifts and it's fun to get gifts... heck, it's one of my main love languages (for those who've read the 5 Love Languages)... but what about being excited that our Saviour came to earth. He became man... well, He became a wee babe. A tiny, helpless, hungry, needy creature. He who was the Creator of all, became something created... And there's so much more. He relates with us. His humaness became a way we could relate. And yet he was perfect. And He lets His righteous, perfect life become my own. Pretty heady stuff.
I guess I'm trying to say that I don't want this time to be about a bunch of stuff. A bunch of clutter. Of things we don't really need or want or whateve to add to our lives. I want to be with family and enjoy a time of rejoicing and celebrating what God has done. This is a time for giving Thanks. And not just being thankful about things, but being thankful to someone.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I can barely write. So sleepy. Hope you can take your bricks of condemnation and do something with them. Throw them away or build something beautiful. Don't let them heap on your head, cause gosh, it hurts.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
We went to Va this past week-end for my cousin, Anne's wedding. It was a wonderful week-end and pretty relaxing for me because I got to run around doing the fun "wedding" stuff like going to a Bridal brunch and getting my nails done, etc. The wedding itself was beautiful and amazing. We drove home on Monday just in time for Libby's ballet performance. (which was SO cute). That night she began throwing up and had a fever. She had to stay home from school the next day and today she threw up again although the fever is almost gone.
My in-laws drove up with us (caravan-style) on Monday and we have been enjoying some time with them. They have been a huge help with packing and helping me with the kids. The kids are climbing all over the furniture and the computer. Well, very short update but it's better than me not having posted at all. Somedays you just got to take what you can get.
Still looking for a home. 15 more days and we'll be outta here. The grace is sufficient for today. I better go. it's babies running wild here!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
So today I seriously had this thought of just up and leaving and taking the kids to Va. I wasn't mad at Mike nor upset with him in anyway. I was just tired of the stress. tired of being overwhelmed and well, just tired. So I had this idea that when he would go out tonight I would just pack the car and leave and be on the road to Va. Then I stopped and thought about it. Well, he wouldn't have a car then and how would he get to class tomorrow? And an acquaintance is coming over tomorrow to help me pack. Libby has ballet and school. And wouldn't that have been a bit dramatic. Mike calling me saying, "Hon, where are you?" "Oh, I'm in Maryland on my way to Va." Okay, so I didn't end up leaving. The truth is it was more that I wanted to run away. I felt like the child who had a little backpack ready but was sitting on the curb outside her house. Yeah, I'm really running away now.
See sometimes life is an adventure and I feel like I've bitten off a little more than I can chew. I was struggling with depression today. Struggling with being swallowed by the worries of my life. The little in the bank was eating at me. How would I know if this pregnancy is okay if I won't see a doctor anytime soon... hey, I could be carrying twins for all I know?! (ha ha) Where are we going to live next month? What if we don't find a place? How are we going to pay these bills? I kept reminding myself that God is faithful and that He loves me and my family and has a plan for us. I kept reminding myself of how God has cared for us and provided in the past. I still felt crazy.
My hormones are crazy. I'm crying as I read Harry Potter aloud to Mike. Whenever someone gets killed I cry. Well, especially a key figure... I won't give it away for those who have yet to read about Harry. I've already read the books this summer but now I'm reading them out loud to Mike.
I made a family dinner today. I was trying to figure out how to do this as cheaply as possible. All in all I think I fed my family and theirs for about $10. I was eyeing the Ramen noodles today in the grocery store. Hmmm... could we live off that? I guess the kids are going to be needing to get over being picky eaters. Maybe I should write a book entitled, "How to make it through seminary: how to live on $3 a day or less". Okay, I'm being silly. I've been really spoiled and things are just getting rocky right now. I still have food in my cupboard. I think we might need to apply for food stamps though...
A good note though: Mike has a job! He's working for the seminary's book-store. It's not the best pay ever but it's not bad. I am so thankful though that we'll be getting some kind of cash flow. I am so thankful that he has a job!
On Saturday I'm going to be working at an Antique Store. Can you believe it? It's just for 5 hours to cover for the owner (who is in my Bible Study) but I'm really excited to do something small to bring in a little money. Hopefully I can fill up the car with gas. I was thinking my life is like a country song right now. "Got $30 in the bank and a quarter tank of gas... might not get us very far or get us somewhere fast. But the kids are healthy and we're not sleeping in the car. We've got a month to move and all we've gotta do is pack. Don't have another home but we're not worried about that, we know God's in control and that's more than most have." What do you think? Honestly, I am laughing right now. These are the stories we'll be telling our children and grandchildren about. The Lord is showing me again that my security comes from Him. I don't need to place my hope in the world and things of this world... my hope is in the Lord. Nothing in this life can give us security... not huge savings account or large retirement funds.... so much can change so fast. But the Lord is unchanging. He is my hope and my security. My trust is in Him. I am scared at times and sometimes I want to see God move quicker, but I am learning what it is to wait on the Lord.
I have the shoes for the wedding and my dress is getting altered for FREE! God's provision! Mike starts work next Wed. That should help. And hey, WE PAID RENT FOR NOVEMBER!!!! Yeah! Also, we thought our internet wasn't working. so I was freaking out... because my e-mail isn't working right now and then on top of that to have no connection with the blogging world... thankfully, it was just our box, um our wirleless box thing had become unplugged. Yay again! So, for those trying to e-mail me I have a new address. The first part is the same but I'm at gmail now instead of hotmail if you need to reach me :)
Yesterday I trimmed back the rose bushes and weeded. The tomato plants still look great and my basil is thriving. Same with the lemon balm... it's citrusy smell is wonderful. Well, off to bed. We're on book 7 now. I love that book. In some ways I gained new perspective on death, grief, and Jesus because of it. I know I'm weird.
Tomorrow I think I'm a little more ready to be an adventure girl.