Condemnation: The motherload of bricks.

There is a mouse running all around my floor. He keep stopping and looking up at me as if to say, "What?" Maybe the next place won't have mice. I wouldn't mind them if they would just keep their mouths off my food that's stored away. I mean come on, there's like a billion crumbs from the kids they could eat off, right?

It's a funny thing but I think in general you can see if I'm doing well or not by how often I post on my blog. I haven't been posting lately... Hmmm, but I do think this has been an extra-ordinarily crazy time. With Libby being sick and the Napiers being here packing is the only thing that's been getting done. Faf (my mom-in-law) cooked almost every meal and did all the dishes. I am wondering if Heaven will be like that sometimes. Good food, no work. Don't get me wrong- I love to cook, it's just nice having a break.

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of guilt and condemnation. I've forgotten to call, e-mail, write a thank-you note, send a package, or something for someone. I feel like I'm in a fog and I'm just trying to see ahead of me. I've been pathetic at communicating and so, so, so tired. I slept for like 4 hours this afternoon and guess what? I'm on my way to bed after this. I know it's stupid to beat myself up over stuff but I do it. I feel like I become my own punching bag. Lots of good intentions. Lots of great plans fallen to the way side.

I barely have the energy to pack right now, so you can forget about putting on a party to sell purses for a great cause. Then there's the hard stuff like getting bombarded by World Vision, Compassion International, Samaritan's Purse, Opearation Smile, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, and Angel Tree who all want my money and they're even willing to double it if I act now. I want to give but we can't. It's so hard. Part of me is just dying because I want to give to those things. I want to bless people with clean water or new shoes or a much needed blanket or to put food in someone's belly... so what do I do with that?

And there's just Christmas in general. I can feel the spirit of materialism falling on me like a wet blanket. Isn't this cute or sweet? If you love them then give them the best. But this, buy that. You need this. They need this. blah. blah. blah. I was wondering when we went from giving gifts to Jesus to trading with each other? Don't get me wrong I love to give gifts and it's fun to get gifts... heck, it's one of my main love languages (for those who've read the 5 Love Languages)... but what about being excited that our Saviour came to earth. He became man... well, He became a wee babe. A tiny, helpless, hungry, needy creature. He who was the Creator of all, became something created... And there's so much more. He relates with us. His humaness became a way we could relate. And yet he was perfect. And He lets His righteous, perfect life become my own. Pretty heady stuff.

I guess I'm trying to say that I don't want this time to be about a bunch of stuff. A bunch of clutter. Of things we don't really need or want or whateve to add to our lives. I want to be with family and enjoy a time of rejoicing and celebrating what God has done. This is a time for giving Thanks. And not just being thankful about things, but being thankful to someone.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I can barely write. So sleepy. Hope you can take your bricks of condemnation and do something with them. Throw them away or build something beautiful. Don't let them heap on your head, cause gosh, it hurts.


Jessica Rockey said…
As my therapist would say..."Give yourself permission"...

I'll write more later... I just had about 12 ballerinas over to 'help' me with costumes. Ahhh! I'm wiped out from a 12hr spinal headache. I've lived with the mice before... just think... CINDERELLA! (it helps)!
Anonymous said…
Jen, what tremendous joy to have been with you all this week. I'm sorry you allow yourself to feel condemned, because knowing something of what ya'll are going through, striving for, and successfully accomplishing--though you may not see it--I am full of grace and admiration for all you ARE accomplishing. You and Mike are walking the journey with exemplary faith. The Lord is doing great things in you reject condemnation -tear down that altar of self--and embrace only conviction and repentance...and the attendant joy and peace He earnestly desires for you to know, now and evermore. I know much of condemnation and how it mascarades as 'effectiveness' for the kingdom, family, or life in general...or lack thereof.

I love you and I'm so proud of you!
kiss & bless all those we love in your home!
Bethany said…
Jen, thanks for sharing your heart. I can remember being pregnant with Jude and puking my brains out all day and just plopping Seth in front of the TV for the majority of the day. I felt so awful. I felt like such a bad mom. But my Mother reminded me as she always does in times of struggle that "this too shall pass". She told me it wasn't going to hurt him and I had to do what I had to do to make it through. There are days now when I look at what a mess my house is....(it is a total mess right now and I am so tired from the crazy weekend I have no energy left to clean it) and I think of what a failure I am. Or there are times I beat myself up for failing "again" at something I struggle with. I can throw myself into a panic attack with my to do list and the lack of marking off and I sort of freeze up and hide under the covers. So know you are not alone. I struggle with stuff like that too....especially pregnant. It is funny I can look at someone else and give advice yet it is so hard to give the same advice to myself and follow it. HEE HEE. But as others encouraged are pregnant with two little ones at home. Cut yourself some slack. Those that love you know that you still care regardless of a returned email or call or thank you.

As far as the giving thing, I think that part of being a giver is knowing how to receive. There are times when you will be the giver and times you have been the giver and there are going to be times that you have to look at life and know that you just need to receive or look at different ways of giving. I love to give people things and it is hard when I have seasons where I cannot give of my money but might be able to give of my time....and there are times that I don't have any time but can give of money and there are times that I can't give a time or money. But I can still shoot up little arrow prayers while I am washing the dishes or fading to sleep. I would encourage you in this season when you are bombarded with all the charities and not energy or money to give to just shoot a little prayer for will be giving more than a lot of people that stroke a check and never even think to add a prayer. I think that this season for you will someday make you a better giver you will understand the full circle of what is being given and will truly be giving from your heart. I can remember being in CG situation I didn't feel like I was a benefit to others and not really serving etc etc. and my dear friend Melanie told me that maybe it was God saying to rest and receive. I think at times that can be harder for some of us than the whole serving thing. So rest Jen....receive what God has to give you during this season.

Another note....Danielle had a link to this article on her blog..."The Gift of Presence. It was very good for me to read.

Maybe that will encourage you that during this season your presence with your kiddos is more important than any present you could buy them.

Love you big hugs
Bethany said…
PS I have rats in my walls. HEE HEE

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