When It's Hard to Breathe.
Lately I've been finding it hard to breathe. Pregnancy issues... no. Moving related... no. It's grief. I feel like it's swallowing me whole. Everynight for the past week or so I have dreamt about my sister. And there's always a wedding. Someone's wedding. It changes everynight. So sometimes I literally have to stop and take deep breaths. I cried a lot today. I cried over what could have been and what I have lost. I cried over my brother-in-law. I cried for my family. I cried that I am once again having a child that my sister won't meet, hug or snuggle on this side of earth. My throat is sore from all the supressed tears.
Her birthday is next Friday. She would have been 25.
The pain is so deep. I don't think someone could ever understand until they've tasted death. Until it happens to you it doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if this is how it feels for normal people at the end of their life. You start to experience the loss of others. But maybe it doesn't matter because by then your life is long and you're ready to go home. Maybe then those you lose have had a long time. Not that it's ever great to lose someone. I guess tragic & sudden losses are a different experience.
I'm reading Till We Have Faces (C.S. Lewis) again. The last time I read it was shortly before Libby passed. It was one of her favorite books and I'm glad that I can sit and enjoy a book that she loved. It makes me feel closer to her somehow.
My plans for the 7th include: eating some ice-cream, letting go of some balloons for Libby & Sam, watching Return to Me and bawling my eyes out, and working on a scrapbook page of her. Any other suggestions would be appreciated.
"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." ~ Emily Dickinson
She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot
While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil. ~John Taylor