Does Jesus love me when I'm grumpy? How poison ivy and newly ruined floors lead me back to the Gospel.

I’m covered in poison ivy. My legs, my arms, my chest, my hands, my feet. I’m not sure why or how. I had it a couple weeks ago from a hike but then I treated it and it went away. But now it’s back with a vengeance.

Mike installed with the help our a neighbor our beautiful kitchen flooring this week. So of course, a couple night's later there’s an unexpected water leak. Mike went into the kitchen and saw water pooling from the bottom of the fridge. The water line to the fridge was spraying. He had to turn off the water to the whole house. He grabbed towels and pulled out the fridge and ran the fan. Grateful he caught it when he did but now there's some buckling.

Life is unsettling. So many things we cannot control. Let’s be honest there is not much we can control. Just how we respond to life and the things that happen to us.

Am I going to only trust God when life is good and going to plan? What happens when life is hard? When your friend dies. And your child is diagnosed. And t…

When you can’t outrun the diagnosis

So I escaped to the beach this morning. I packed up the kids and sunscreen and snacks and water. The kids put on their suits and got their towels and boogie boards. Libby even put the music on the drive I needed- Radiohead and The National.
And I tried to escape and distract myself.
This afternoon we get the results of Samuel’s testing. Last week we were up in Northern VA at the Children’s Heart Institute.
I know what they’re going to say. Just waiting to hear the official word from the specialist.
So why the angst?
This label doesn’t define him. Samuel is still the same person- just because we have an official diagnosis doesn’t make him magically different.
And yet I’m angry.
I parked my umbrella and chair and got situated. And 5 minutes later a woman and her grandchild park themselves right in front of me. Literally obstructing my direct view of the water and view of my kids in the water.
And I’m freakin seething.
I know she has no idea. And I cannot help but wonder how many times have I bee…

Saying Goodbye to my friend Celinda

My beautiful friend Celinda passed away yesterday evening. We haven't been friends for long but it didn't take but a minute for me to love her. She was that kind of person that snuck into your heart so quickly.

I remember the first time I met her.  I have the honor of working in nursery in children's ministry at my church.  One Sunday at church I was told by another member that there was a family who had a daughter with profound disabilities that needed to  be looked after in the nursery. My heart leapt. I was thrilled at the thought. I had the privilege of meeting Celinda and her husband that day. I expressed my excitement that I would get to work with their daughter, Lenita.

I have the joy of helping look after Lenita during the message on Sundays. She is in her mid-twenties, wheel chair bound and has the mind of an infant. But not only have I come to know Lenita I also got to know her mom, Celinda.

Celinda is one of those people that just radiate joy and peace. I feel li…

Wrestling over pancakes, Rambling free thoughts, and doing the next right thing.

So I wake up and it's 3:40 a.m. and what do I do... I work on my calendar for 30 minutes. I have a fueling at 4:15 a.m. I lay awake contemplating all that is ahead of me. I do my weekly weigh in. Down 4.6 pounds. I'm .2 pounds from 89 pounds gone forever.

Pretty amazing.

Especially when yesterday I was tempted by pancakes at IHOP. I literally asked the waitress if I could do a pretend order of unlimited pancakes and then went and ordered my cage free egg white veggie omelette.

It's March. And so with it comes the keen longing and missing and remembering of my sister. This 7th marks 16 years. Bitter-sweet 16.

I see how much I've grown and matured. I have considerable depth in ways I never would have imagined. I think of my sister and am grateful that I had her in my life.

Somedays though it feels surreal. Did I imagine Libby? Was she really there?

Other moments I still expect to be awakened from a very bad dream. I expect her to be alive and pregnant and getting the bab…

In Over My Head

It’s all too much. Way too much. 4 medical appointments yesterday. 4 today. 4 tomorrow. And we are just getting started.

This is on top of the daily needs. On top of laundry and dishes and broken vacuum cleaners. On top of weekly play therapy and occupational therapy for Michael. On top of ballet and art club. On top of creating a diet for Samuel without grains or gluten or dairy or eggs or soy and nuts, blah blah blah.

Really friends the needs exceed my limits... and that is the best place to be- ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE FOR GOD!

I can’t do this apart from him. I really can’t.

Panic tempts me to just let it crush me. To give in. To give up. So I cry out, “God you are more than enough for me!”

I hit a wall tonight. It was my weekly check in with Libby and I was too wiped to take her out so I brought Starbucks home to her and we watched some Netflix and I passed out.... for like 4 hours.

Now I’m awake and my brain is racing. And I’m once again surrendering all to Jesus.

I read my friends p…

Salsa on the floor, swearing and other ways God is sanctifiying me.

So I'm looking at buying this t-shirt that says, "I love Jesus but I cuss a little."

I do love Jesus. But I do cuss a little.

It's been a struggle for a long time. I remember being in a Single's Group meeting sharing sin struggles and confessing that I struggled with cussing. I was really putting myself out there. It was awkward and I felt ashamed. But I was exposing my true self.

When my sister died my cussing increased exponentially.

So, when I opened the fridge a couple days ago to pull out my cold brew and a large bowl of salsa came flying out of the fridge at me I was shocked when I didn't cuss. Now, I'm not talking about that I didn't say it out loud. I'm getting better at swearing in my head. I didn't even cuss in my mind! Whaaat?!

I'm talking salsa splattering all over the fridge and freezer. All over my pajamas. All over the kitchen rug. And I didn't swear, not out loud or silently.

God is at work! He's changing me! It was…

Crying out for Papa

I tried to convince my daughter to skip school and play hooky with me yesterday. But she did the very rational thing and said, "Mom, I have to be responsible and go to school."

I remember those days. My Dad used to say he'd give me $50 if I got a detention. But I was too accountable. I refused to play hooky as well. I was busy being a good girl.

I can laugh at this now. But it used to be a chain around my neck.

I was obsessed with striving, pleasing, perfection, idealism, and approval.

This week I could see those desires manifesting themselves again. I was jealous. 

Jealous that my husband took my daughter on a date. A date that I told him to go on. He took my daughter to the Chrysler Art Museum for her birthday... one of our favorite haunts. It wasn't that I wasn't on a date with him... It was seeing the love of a Dad with his daughter... that produced such heartbreak in me.Such deep longing.

I realized how much I still crave the approval of my parents. So hungry f…