Hope AFTER Christmas: Concussions, CT Scans and letting go of my expectations.

 I tried today to get on social media to see if I could handle it for a few minutes but I couldn't. After giving a few comments and likes I could feel my head tighten and my eyes were not happy with me. 

A couple days ago I had posted I would do a Facebook live... and then I didn't.

Life is a little like that right now. Wanting to do something, expecting myself to be able to do said thing and then being unable to.

Right now I can't drive. Watching certain movements like my husband swiping his phone makes me dizzy. Right now the only exercise I'm allowed is walking. 

I have pain in my neck and shoulders and it likes to creep down my back. I have numbness  and tingling in my left arm and my left leg. 

At the end of January I will receive another CT scan and follow up with neurosurgery. Hopefully brain bleed will be resolved and  I will be given permission to drive again. 

Right now I'm faced with limitations, and decreased capacity, and I will be honest- I love to fight myself. I'm not good at resting. I hate feeling "unproductive". Mike likes to remind me that the  most productive thing I can do is rest, so that I CAN heal. UGH! 

When I try to do the things I shouldn't I'm holding myself back from healing. I'm withholding what my body needs from moving forward. 

I had expectations of what I imagined the last day of the year 2022 would be like. And it's not living up to it. I wanted to reflect on the past year. I wanted to set new goals. I wanted to celebrate. Instead I find myself curled up in bed. I'm in pain. I'm exhausted. I'm weary. Christmas has passed and the lights and the fizzle are gone. I feel dreary and desolate and grey. I feel like I'm still in Advent... awaiting and preparing for the Christ to come.... and guess what friends, we are. We are still in Advent AFTER Christmas.

After the glittery wrapping paper is all torn up at our feet. After the shrieks of delight from children and the oohs and aaahs of opening gifts- we are still waiting. Waiting for our Savior to come and redeem us from this mess.

And here is the Hope my darlings, He is coming. He will return. He will make all things new. 

We are still in the waiting. It's okay to feel dreary and down. It's okay to feel the letdown of after Christmas as the winter light sets in and is grey and bleary. It's okay to be broken and messy and not have it together... that's when He bids us come. We can come to Him. We can bring our burdens at His feet.

I feel pressure to be "better by now" and I'm not. And it's okay. God knows where I'm at. I have to release the expectations of others. I have to release my own expectations of my self. And know that here in the quiet. In the waiting. He is here. And He will come again. 

Today I will let myself be what it is. The good and the bad. They both exist in the same time and space. I will look for every glimmer of good... the kindness of my husband making my favorite morning protein drink- creamy chocolate shake with almond milk and cold brew. Snuggling my kids close and getting kisses from our dogs. Thankful for warm blankets and beautifully scented candles. Thankful for hot tea. For my kindle with a dark mode so I can read. (Um, I have read 6 books since my head injury). Thankful for a safe home. thankful for warmth. And for light in the darkness. And I'm thankful that even in my suffering I can draw close to the one who suffered in my place. So that one day there will be no more suffering. One day there will be no more sickness, no more death, no more tears of pain or sorrow. 

I hope you can celebrate jubilantly today. I  hope you feel festive and excited for this New Year. I hope you set and achieve amazing goals. I hope you enjoy time with family and friends. And also, if you are sad or lonely, or working a difficult job, or feeling broken and hopeless and weary please know, you are not alone. And this is not the end. Hang in there my friends. I truly believe the best is yet to come.