Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Weary, Teary and Bleary.

These are three words I would use to describe myself.

Weary. Well, what mother isn't tired. But it feels more than just tired. It feels more like burdened. Burdens dragging like heavy weights on my shoulders. The burden of Michael going into the hospital... yes, I think he is going to CHKD for the dyysphagia clinic (4-6 weeks). The burden of getting the kids school stuff situated. We're trying to get Samuel into the appropriate school (more hoop jumping-applications, forms, transferred records, etc.) and find a pre-school for Libby. I need to get dental work done and Mike and I both should see an optometrist. And there are many administrative calls that need to be made. And there are many e-mails to respond to. Mike's been working like crazy lately. Which is good. It's just been exhausting not having him around most nights. Having the kids for days and nights has been intense. He's working for my dad for the next 3 days. He just finished his "crunch week" with his other job.

Teary. I've been crying a lot lately. And now I can't cry and I wish I could. I'm annoyed at slight things. Like right now, I'm frustrated that Michael is chewing on his cord. He's managed to set his feeding tube off more than 30 times in a day. He's opened the medical port and drained his food out all over himself and wherever he's at... and then I have no idea how much food he's actually gotten into him. and he's been doing that daily. And then there's the whole trying to feed him by mouth... which leads me to another daily breakdown. I feel like I'm pulling my hair out trying to get him to eat. The therapist keeps telling me to relax and be calm when I feed him but I feel so much tension...

Bleary. Exhausted. I feel exhausted. The laundry is piling up around me and I just don't care. I'm too tired to care at the moment. The dishes are done and that's something. Laundry can wait. People are fed and diapered and clean.

So I guess it's time to lower my expectations. Maybe just have the kids crawl in bed with me and eat graham crackers and watch a movie. To let go of not having it together. Of not being in control. But trusting the Lord that the important things will be accomplished...in His time.

Oh may the peace which surpasses all understanding be with us... and guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. May we cast ALL our cares upon Him for He cares for us!!! And may we never tire and grow weary of doing good... even when we want to give up. May we find rest and joy in our Salvation. And may we know Christ more and love Him more. This is my prayer for each of us.

So I might be weary, teary and bleary... but my life is never dreary, Dearie!

Monday, July 13, 2009

A taste of summer.

The butter is dripping off my chin. I'm nibbling on corn on the cob and thought this was the perfect time to post. I haven't posted in what feels like years although it's been a few weeks. Internet down off and on and traveling. We went to Charlotte to return our dear friend Alexis and stayed for a few days with one of my dearest friends, the Williams family. It was wonderful and relaxing and fun... the kids really did great. I read an entire Alexander McCall Smith book while there... borrowing it from Laura to read. The kids were amazing on the way down and back up. Almost miraculous. We enjoyed the pool and playing and eating... and just being together.

But the butter is still there and I'm licking the salt off my fingers so I can type. So you're thinking, "What made you want to write???" It was that I almost put salt on the stick of butter instead of the cob. Ha. Yes, I am tired. And that's what motivated me. I wanted you all to know I haven't fallen off the planet... I've just been in my home or out at doctor's appts., specialists, etc. And I haven't had time to be online. I've been busy with laundry and dishes and sunscreen and bathing suits... and bug bites and band-aids.

the mushrooms and peppers are sauteeing on the stove. I can smell the garlic and six pepper blend and am excited about the upcoming quesadillas I'm making.

Ian is screaming upstairs but I'm going to wait another five minutes to see if he settles. He's overly tired. He feels how I feel. I sometimes wish I could scream and cry and get it all out... I'm sure it would be refreshing but I think it would scare the kids.

My toenails are chipped and there is still a faint reddish tint from my last nail polish experience. I have a billion pictures but I can't download them because my applications softward says I'm holding too much and I need to erase some to put more on but I can't erase it until I back up the pictures... and I don't know how to do that. Not so computer savvy.

Michael's MRI has been re-scheduled to August 10th. I'm almost finished with my cousin's baby's blanket. It's a gorgeous periwinkle color and I think it will be perfect for baby Elizabeth Anne. I can't wait to meet this sweet dollie girl and give her kisses. But I digress.

So, the laundry and dishes are done. I've been organizing and rearranging all major objects of furniture in the living room, dining room, den area, office, and bedrooms... you know... making everything more functional. I wish I had a few days to devote to doing just that. Just organizing and getting life together.

I'm tired and want to crawl into bed but there are a still a few more hours to feed kids and bathe and put jammies on and brush teeth and clean up kitchen and take out trash and then stumble into bed.

My days are long but full of sunshine. I love the wildflowers growing along the driveway. My dad planted them and I love cutting them and arranging them in vases. I love the corn on the cob and the frequent use of the grill... marinated chicken, gourmet burgers and good old fashioned oscar meyer hot dogs with mustard. Mmm. And the smell and taste of summer are everywhere. In the glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade. Fresh-cut grass. Outdoor picnics. Barbecue. Tomatoes ripe on the vine in the garden. My sunflowers have been blooming and growing like crazy.

Well, the crying from upstairs hasn't receded. So off to rescue the prince from his crib. Maybe now I will feel bolder to write again... even though it's been some time and I don't have pictures. Sigh. Still have to remind myself that the only one who has it together is God... and He holds all of us, and all things in His hands.