Weary, Teary and Bleary.

These are three words I would use to describe myself.

Weary. Well, what mother isn't tired. But it feels more than just tired. It feels more like burdened. Burdens dragging like heavy weights on my shoulders. The burden of Michael going into the hospital... yes, I think he is going to CHKD for the dyysphagia clinic (4-6 weeks). The burden of getting the kids school stuff situated. We're trying to get Samuel into the appropriate school (more hoop jumping-applications, forms, transferred records, etc.) and find a pre-school for Libby. I need to get dental work done and Mike and I both should see an optometrist. And there are many administrative calls that need to be made. And there are many e-mails to respond to. Mike's been working like crazy lately. Which is good. It's just been exhausting not having him around most nights. Having the kids for days and nights has been intense. He's working for my dad for the next 3 days. He just finished his "crunch week" with his other job.

Teary. I've been crying a lot lately. And now I can't cry and I wish I could. I'm annoyed at slight things. Like right now, I'm frustrated that Michael is chewing on his cord. He's managed to set his feeding tube off more than 30 times in a day. He's opened the medical port and drained his food out all over himself and wherever he's at... and then I have no idea how much food he's actually gotten into him. and he's been doing that daily. And then there's the whole trying to feed him by mouth... which leads me to another daily breakdown. I feel like I'm pulling my hair out trying to get him to eat. The therapist keeps telling me to relax and be calm when I feed him but I feel so much tension...

Bleary. Exhausted. I feel exhausted. The laundry is piling up around me and I just don't care. I'm too tired to care at the moment. The dishes are done and that's something. Laundry can wait. People are fed and diapered and clean.

So I guess it's time to lower my expectations. Maybe just have the kids crawl in bed with me and eat graham crackers and watch a movie. To let go of not having it together. Of not being in control. But trusting the Lord that the important things will be accomplished...in His time.

Oh may the peace which surpasses all understanding be with us... and guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. May we cast ALL our cares upon Him for He cares for us!!! And may we never tire and grow weary of doing good... even when we want to give up. May we find rest and joy in our Salvation. And may we know Christ more and love Him more. This is my prayer for each of us.

So I might be weary, teary and bleary... but my life is never dreary, Dearie!


Caren said…
thats right Jenn...turn yours and our focus back on where it needs to be...Jesus! He is our Jehovah Jirah, our Provider! He is with us, and He sustains us. I am praying for all this stuff...I know it seems overwhelming...take it a day at a time. I love you!
AmyB said…
I love you friend -praying for you always! Can't wait to see you soon!!!!
Anonymous said…
Precious Granddaughter.... I don't know how long I "survived" on "As thy day is, so shall thy strength be.... and My times are in thy hands." Good old King James is all I had....and it worked. Stretched, stretched and stretched again...but NEVER alone even when I felt like it because I was kept by His almighty power just as He is keeping you....one moment at a time. I love you Jen and hope to see you soon. Until then,Grandma and Jesus sends love and hugs
Sarah said…
My dear Jennifer. Know that though many miles away I am thinking of and praying for you. You are amazing - hang in there! Love that in your weariness, teariness and bleariness you are still pointing the rest of us back to the best place of all. Thank you for being you.
Anonymous said…
Hi Jennifer and Mike, Grandmother and I are praying so hard for Michael's healing. For rest for you and Mike. Hebrews 4:9-11 "there remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God etc. We love you guys and pray for you. If you can, at night put on a quiet worship song and tell the Lord you just want His presence. You don't have to talk, ask or think just be in a receiving restful place on your bed. It's a way of replenishing our spirits and getting filled up again. Lots of hugs and kisses to allof you. Love, Aunt Barb and Grandmother. XXXXXXXXXXXX
Anonymous said…
Love you! -egb

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