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Showing posts from May, 2008

Finding Joy.

My life isn't simple.  It's a bit chaotic, a lot of stress, fun, and craziness, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I've been coming to grips with the fact that I want my life to look "happy" and I want to be "happy".  But I'm not.
Yes, I love my family.  Yes, I am super blessed.  But I wouldn't characterize my life as happy.  I would describe it as joyful.  Or at least becoming joyful.  It is full of hardships and various trials and lots of problems and stress.... but at the center I have the Lord as my strength.  He is the one navigating me through the storms of life.  He is my peace and my hope.  He brings joy to my life.
One of the definitions of joy I found was: To take great pleasure; rejoice.  That's what I'm doing... I'm taking great pleasure and rejoicing in God.  He is my comfort.  He is my source of strength and hope.
I know other definitions talk about joy as an elated feeling and happiness... but I'm past "f…

Ian after a bath.

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Love.

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Big Brother. Big Sister

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After nursing I never know what I'm going to find...

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You know your tired when...
-you reach in your bag for your fries and start chewing only to realize about 10 seconds later that your eating your straw wrapper. -you wake up and don't know who or where you are. -When the chair squeaks you reply it needs some 409 (when you meant to say WD40)

Brokenhearted.

I'm brokenhearted.  I really am.  Tonight was so hard.  Michael is really having a hard time.  He's in a lot of pain and he screams a lot.  He settles down a little when I hold him but even then he'll arch his back in pain and cry.
I am at the end of myself.  It started Mother's Day night.  Being with Michael at the hospital that night was so hard.  I cried. The kids were really sick that night and so we decided that I'd take them in the morning to the doctors. The week has been a blur.
Monday morning (after Mother's Day) Mike left at 4:30 a.m. for school. I took the kids at 8:30 in the morning to the doctors.  Laura met up with me and helped me get the kids into the office.  Libby was given antibiotics and Samuel was given a breathing treatment.  The nurse practitioner wanted him scheduled ASAP to see a pulmonologist (a lung doctor).  Well, I left the kids in Laura's care and went to take Ian to the opthamologist (eye doctor).  We were checking to make sure …

Some pictures.

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Tears.

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okay this fuzzy picture was taken at night at the hospital.  Mike is holding our very discontent Michael.  It's been so hard lately to see him crying.  He seems so miserable.  He's still not eating properly so he's getting 98% of his meals through the feeding tube.  A bit discouraging.  It's been hard remembering that Samuel was already home by now (when he was a preemie in the hosp.)... and Michael still seems to have a ways to go.  Sigh.
I've had my share of tears.  Well actually I don't think I've been crying enough.  Last night though I had a very good cry on my friends' shoulder... thank you friend.  I need to just break down sometimes, it really helps.
Well, to discuss this week would be to time consuming and I want to head to the hospital before it gets even later... it's already 9 at night.
Wishing you happy tears.

Some Thoughts On Motherhood.

Today is Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day with four children. wow- my children doubled since last year :)

One of the beautiful things about being a mom is how I'm learning more and more about humility, about dying to my desires, about relinquishing control and letting God work. He's showing up more and more... I'm lessening. It's a good thing.

I've never understood sacrificial love, self-denial, or giving when you think you couldn't give anymore until I became a mom. I've learned more than just how to change diapers, clean up throw up endless times or nurse sick children. I've learned about love, about joy, about sin, about confessing my dependence on God and surrendering myself to Him again and again. He is showing me that what I do unto the "least of these" I do unto Him.

Now, with that being said I won't pretend that it's easy or always fun. It is true labor. it is a work that tires. It is a work where you have to…

Interesting Life: AKA random thoughts.

Well, I can honestly say that my life is never really boring- it's interesting.  On Wednesday, before we went to pick up Ian, Libby and I had some "girl" time.  We went out to Starbucks... where she managed to completely smash her toe at the door... removing the entire toe-nail... poor girl.  Then when I was getting her back into the car a lady ran into me while I was strapping Libby in.  She literally was closing my side door on my leg with her SUV... thankfully I screamed... minimal car damage, minimal leg damage.
It was so great to take Ian home.  He's been doing well.  We're still trying to work on the nursing thing.  He really just wants a bottle because it's quick and easy.  I'm still trying to figure out when he's hungry and when he just wants to be held and so fusses. Mike has been a saint and taking the late night shift.
Wednesday night Samuel had a fever of 103.  His cough was crazy and his asthma was flaring.  So I took him to the doctor'…

Carseat Time.

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Guess who's possibly coming home tomorrow?  Ian!  He was circumcised today- poor baby.  He just needs to pass his car seat test and continue to keep on eating like he has been.  He's been taking all his feeds by bottle.  So he might come home tomorrow night.  Michael is doing well and has caught back up to his birth weight but still doesn't quite get what to do with a bottle... he's better at breast-feeding.  Anyway, since this is my last day to prepare and my last night to get some "real" sleep I'm going to go enjoy it.  Pleas pray for Mike as he studies for finals with a newborn at home :)

My birds.

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Some birds had decided to build a nest in the wreath of my front door.  Some other birds have made a nest around the side door.  It's been a happening place.  I loved watching the mother bird's eggs grow and grow.  She actually laid a total of 6 eggs.  The birds have all hatched now and I still need to get a picture of their fuzzy little bodies and sweet open beaks.  I just hate to disturb her.  Spring is here.  I guess this is a sign of life around here.  Nesting.  Babies.  Etc.  Can't wait until mine are home.

in Nags Head

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Tales of the tired.  I was by myself the other night and was in the rest-room when I was completely startled.  I heard this loud popping sound.  was it a gun shot?  No.  I had forgotten that I was popping popcorn in the microwave.  Literally I had started the popcorn and went to the bathroom and completely forgot until I was startled.  I laughed at myself for a full 5 minutes. Mike and I are getting a little break.  We're down in Nags Head by ourselves... a wonderful slight change of plans.  Our kids and his parents will be coming down today.  We had a nice night to ourselves. This morning we're enjoying some coffee and cinnamon rolls. yesterday was a good day.  We got to see the boys and they've been moved so that their crib beds are right next to each other.  I got to nurse both of them and they did a great job! Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy time with my honey! Here's our "just woke up" picture".

Happy May.

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Being Low.

In case you're wondering what the results were for Michael's further test- the results were ambiguous.  The resident said nothing new.  He did seem to think things were moving in a good direction.  They were not getting worse.  Yeah, lots of help :)  The truth is we won't know the extent of damage with Michael until he's older.  We'll have to see him growing and moving and continue to have further tests.
I'm struggling.  I don't do well if I look at other's circumstances.  I question why my life has been what it's been and struggle with seeing other pregnant women who are healthy and have full-term normal babies.  Seeing other women taking their babies home.  Seeing other people whose children are free from all the medical craziness my children have had.  The "other" people who haven't experienced a significant loss.
I had this realization this morning though.  I'm sure my life has caused pain and temptation for resentment.  I'm …