Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Brokenhearted.

I'm brokenhearted.  I really am.  Tonight was so hard.  Michael is really having a hard time.  He's in a lot of pain and he screams a lot.  He settles down a little when I hold him but even then he'll arch his back in pain and cry.

I am at the end of myself.  It started Mother's Day night.  Being with Michael at the hospital that night was so hard.  I cried. The kids were really sick that night and so we decided that I'd take them in the morning to the doctors. The week has been a blur.

Monday morning (after Mother's Day) Mike left at 4:30 a.m. for school. I took the kids at 8:30 in the morning to the doctors.  Laura met up with me and helped me get the kids into the office.  Libby was given antibiotics and Samuel was given a breathing treatment.  The nurse practitioner wanted him scheduled ASAP to see a pulmonologist (a lung doctor).  Well, I left the kids in Laura's care and went to take Ian to the opthamologist (eye doctor).  We were checking to make sure he didn't have retinopathy (sp?) which can occur in preemies and also because he was exposed to some oxygen.  While I was waiting I talked to Mike... whose car had broken down on the way up to PA.  The ball joint broke (the wheel came off the axle)- and he was able to get off the highway safely- Thank the Lord! Also, a plus, he didn't miss his first final.  He was able to call a tow truck and get it towed to the garage that usually worked on our cars when we were up in PA.  

The eye appointment took a LONG time but the doctor was wonderful and had great bedside manner.  I then left and went to Laura's to pick up prescriptions to get filled at Target and bring her back medicine for the kids.  She brought the kids back later to the house.  Thankfully Mike's car was repaired the SAME day and he was able to use the car to get around in PA.

On Tuesday a woman from  church helped me in  the morning.  Thank you Lisa!  That afternoon I had help from a woman named Jenn.  She was such a blessing.  She enabled me to go the hospital and watched all 3 kids by herself... and she had never met them before.  Wow, huh?!  Mike came home at 3 a.m. on Wednesday.

Sharon came over in the morning to help us out.  I was able to go to the hospital while Mike took a much deserved nap.  By that evening though Samuel was doing so poorly we were afraid he'd have to go to the hospital.  Mike took Libby to Laura's that evening... just in case we had to go to the Children's hospital (CHKD) in the middle of the night.  Thankfully we didn't go but Samuel was really unwell.  Mike took him to the pulmonary appointment and then he had to go and get an x-ray.  They changed his meds around and put him on 2 new antibiotics.

The next day Mike's mom picked him up and took him to the airport...at 4:30 in the morning- isn't she a saint?!  He flew up to PA and took his final and then headed back to the airport... only to wait for 6 and a half hours.  In the meantime my phone was busted... the charger wouldn't connect.  So I had no phone.  I had no way of communicating with Mike... thankfully his mom picked him up for me... he arrived home at 10:30 p.m.  Crazy.

Saturday Reaghan came over and watched the kids so Mike and I could go to the hospital and see Michael.

Sunday, Samuel was too sick for church.  We did go over to Mike's parents for lunch... it was great.  Martha prepared the yummiest fried chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits... nothing like a good ol' Southern meal to comfort oneself.  Mike and I went to the hospital to see Michael.  he was doing rough and I could tell he didn't feel so hot.  We saw some friends briefly after the hospital.  We got to enjoy a grilled kebob with them and I had a good cry... thank you Michelle.

Monday was a blur of appointments.  Mike, Samuel, Ian and I all went to CHKD.  Samuel had a follow-up appointment and Ian needed to have a repeat test done.  More meds for Samuel.  Later Ian had a doctor's appointment.  he hasn't gained a lot of weight so the doctor wants to keep an eye on him.  He's not too concerned but we just want to watch it.  Monday night I went to the hospital...and to my horror Michael was on oxygen and antibiotics.  Apparently, he was having episodes on Sunday night after we left and was having apneas (stopped breathing), brady's (low heart rate) and de-satting (low oxygen saturation)... they tried to call me but because my phone had still been broken I had no idea they had called.  I just sat holding him and cried.  They had stopped his feeds.  Put him on an IV.  I got home just before midnight.

Tuesday my friend Isabella came over and we tackled the house... lots of cleaning and putting things in order.  It was great.  Mike went and saw Michael (off oxygen!) slowly doing feeds through a continuous set-up.  Very, very little milk, but constantly being fed.  

today, was well, a little nuts.  Let me just say how it ended.  I'm exhausted.  Mike and I are in bed trying to just chill out and have a little down time.  We hear Libby crying... she then proceeds to throw-up.  We run upstairs.  She throws up more.  Then Samuel starts to throw up.  We take them  downstairs and start a bath.... Libby explosively throws up everywhere!  Samuel is throwing up all over Mike.  Clean up throw-up.  Strip kids.  Wash kids. Dry kids.  Samuel throws up more.  Dress kids.  Strip sheets off bed.  Put on new sheets.  Put kids back to bed.  

It just feels like it never ends.  Samuel has been throwing up everyday... every day for a long time now.  He's hydrated (his diapers are soaked)... he eats. He drinks.  He throws-up.  It's the coughing up and mucous that does it to him.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.  That's all I have to say about that.

My life feels like a blur of nursing, diaper changing, throw-up cleaning, trying to sleep, doctor visits, trips to the hospital, rocking sick babies, screaming babies.... kind of life.

The Lord says, he is near the broken-hearted.  He must be near me then.

  

13 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry it is rough right now. Praying for you xx

Michelle said...

Just here... listening...

Caren said...

Jen, I'm so sorry things are rough now. I'm praying for all of you. I know God is close to you. May you feel His presence constantly...

Ashleigh said...

Jennifer, I'm so sorry to hear how rough it's been. Can't even imagine. Am praying for you all ...

Anonymous said...

"When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

This is an excellent verse to meditate on in times of trouble. Good response, Jennifer. The LORD is near amidst all the vomit and pain and crying and waiting and frustration. The Lord is near.

I don't think that God often removes our struggles altogether when we ask him to but I know that He gives us perspective and faith in the midst of trials.

I am praying that God gives you strength and rest as you walk this out with your eyes fixed on Him.

Keep clinging to Jesus.

"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

I love you.

dancebythelight said...

Oh you poor girl! I don't know how you're doing it, but I'll pray for you.

AmyB said...

I'm crying to God for you Jenn, I love you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenn and Mike,
You and the children are at the top of Grandmother's and my prayer lists. I don't know why all these things happen I pray that God will show you how do do battle for your family. Prayer is much of it of course but so is "RESTING" in Him. When we rest in him we can cease striving and receive much needed words and comfort and healing from the Lord. Thank God for friends that can be there for you. May they receive a double portion back,
There's lots more I would say but I need to rest at this time. God pour His peace and rest on you all.
Love, Grandmother and Auntie Barb..

Bethany said...

Praying for ya!!!!1 Big hugs

Stephen said...

Mike and Jennifer,
We're praying for you and thinking of you often. We praise the Lord with you for friends and family so happy to help! "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6 You're doing so well! Persevere! "...And let steadfastness have its full effect so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2 The Lord is near! "...he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11 He knows it's hard. May the Lord continue to bless you with peace and strength during this time!
We love you guys!
Stephen and Rachel Lackey

LiAnn said...

:( Jenn...cannot life be full of banana walnut chocolate chips pancakes, dark chocolate, and yummy hot chocolate from Sweden? I don't REALLY find comfort in food...all the time...

I, like Amy, am crying to God for you. Hang in there my friend...

Love you guys,
LiAnn

LiAnn said...

I just realized there were lots of mentions of chocolate...subliminally, I'm craving it. It's the pregnancy talking...

Sara said...

praying for you


sara