Brokenhearted.

I'm brokenhearted.  I really am.  Tonight was so hard.  Michael is really having a hard time.  He's in a lot of pain and he screams a lot.  He settles down a little when I hold him but even then he'll arch his back in pain and cry.

I am at the end of myself.  It started Mother's Day night.  Being with Michael at the hospital that night was so hard.  I cried. The kids were really sick that night and so we decided that I'd take them in the morning to the doctors. The week has been a blur.

Monday morning (after Mother's Day) Mike left at 4:30 a.m. for school. I took the kids at 8:30 in the morning to the doctors.  Laura met up with me and helped me get the kids into the office.  Libby was given antibiotics and Samuel was given a breathing treatment.  The nurse practitioner wanted him scheduled ASAP to see a pulmonologist (a lung doctor).  Well, I left the kids in Laura's care and went to take Ian to the opthamologist (eye doctor).  We were checking to make sure he didn't have retinopathy (sp?) which can occur in preemies and also because he was exposed to some oxygen.  While I was waiting I talked to Mike... whose car had broken down on the way up to PA.  The ball joint broke (the wheel came off the axle)- and he was able to get off the highway safely- Thank the Lord! Also, a plus, he didn't miss his first final.  He was able to call a tow truck and get it towed to the garage that usually worked on our cars when we were up in PA.  

The eye appointment took a LONG time but the doctor was wonderful and had great bedside manner.  I then left and went to Laura's to pick up prescriptions to get filled at Target and bring her back medicine for the kids.  She brought the kids back later to the house.  Thankfully Mike's car was repaired the SAME day and he was able to use the car to get around in PA.

On Tuesday a woman from  church helped me in  the morning.  Thank you Lisa!  That afternoon I had help from a woman named Jenn.  She was such a blessing.  She enabled me to go the hospital and watched all 3 kids by herself... and she had never met them before.  Wow, huh?!  Mike came home at 3 a.m. on Wednesday.

Sharon came over in the morning to help us out.  I was able to go to the hospital while Mike took a much deserved nap.  By that evening though Samuel was doing so poorly we were afraid he'd have to go to the hospital.  Mike took Libby to Laura's that evening... just in case we had to go to the Children's hospital (CHKD) in the middle of the night.  Thankfully we didn't go but Samuel was really unwell.  Mike took him to the pulmonary appointment and then he had to go and get an x-ray.  They changed his meds around and put him on 2 new antibiotics.

The next day Mike's mom picked him up and took him to the airport...at 4:30 in the morning- isn't she a saint?!  He flew up to PA and took his final and then headed back to the airport... only to wait for 6 and a half hours.  In the meantime my phone was busted... the charger wouldn't connect.  So I had no phone.  I had no way of communicating with Mike... thankfully his mom picked him up for me... he arrived home at 10:30 p.m.  Crazy.

Saturday Reaghan came over and watched the kids so Mike and I could go to the hospital and see Michael.

Sunday, Samuel was too sick for church.  We did go over to Mike's parents for lunch... it was great.  Martha prepared the yummiest fried chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits... nothing like a good ol' Southern meal to comfort oneself.  Mike and I went to the hospital to see Michael.  he was doing rough and I could tell he didn't feel so hot.  We saw some friends briefly after the hospital.  We got to enjoy a grilled kebob with them and I had a good cry... thank you Michelle.

Monday was a blur of appointments.  Mike, Samuel, Ian and I all went to CHKD.  Samuel had a follow-up appointment and Ian needed to have a repeat test done.  More meds for Samuel.  Later Ian had a doctor's appointment.  he hasn't gained a lot of weight so the doctor wants to keep an eye on him.  He's not too concerned but we just want to watch it.  Monday night I went to the hospital...and to my horror Michael was on oxygen and antibiotics.  Apparently, he was having episodes on Sunday night after we left and was having apneas (stopped breathing), brady's (low heart rate) and de-satting (low oxygen saturation)... they tried to call me but because my phone had still been broken I had no idea they had called.  I just sat holding him and cried.  They had stopped his feeds.  Put him on an IV.  I got home just before midnight.

Tuesday my friend Isabella came over and we tackled the house... lots of cleaning and putting things in order.  It was great.  Mike went and saw Michael (off oxygen!) slowly doing feeds through a continuous set-up.  Very, very little milk, but constantly being fed.  

today, was well, a little nuts.  Let me just say how it ended.  I'm exhausted.  Mike and I are in bed trying to just chill out and have a little down time.  We hear Libby crying... she then proceeds to throw-up.  We run upstairs.  She throws up more.  Then Samuel starts to throw up.  We take them  downstairs and start a bath.... Libby explosively throws up everywhere!  Samuel is throwing up all over Mike.  Clean up throw-up.  Strip kids.  Wash kids. Dry kids.  Samuel throws up more.  Dress kids.  Strip sheets off bed.  Put on new sheets.  Put kids back to bed.  

It just feels like it never ends.  Samuel has been throwing up everyday... every day for a long time now.  He's hydrated (his diapers are soaked)... he eats. He drinks.  He throws-up.  It's the coughing up and mucous that does it to him.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.  That's all I have to say about that.

My life feels like a blur of nursing, diaper changing, throw-up cleaning, trying to sleep, doctor visits, trips to the hospital, rocking sick babies, screaming babies.... kind of life.

The Lord says, he is near the broken-hearted.  He must be near me then.