Thursday, April 26, 2012

Condemnation vs. Conviction.

Right now I feel condemned. A woman waiting in her cell block on death row. Okay, that's over the top. Overly dramatic. And that's where I am... a big ball of emotions and hormones. I can't think clearly. My perspective is askew.

Some of you may or may have not seen the movie 10 Things I Hate About You . But right now I'm living the movie 10 Things I Hate About Me. Aaagh. Everything is wrong. Everything is messed up. I can't keep it together. I keep forgetting appointments. I am unable to complete tasks on time. I am overwhelmed.

But here's the thing I realized this morning as I stared myself down in the mirror. I am feeling condemnation not conviction. When I feel conviction I know what it's about... it's something specific. Condemnation is feeling bad in general about everything.

Another thing... I live in a broken world. And as many times as I tell my daughter Libby that we don't live in a perfect world (which she wishes everything was perfect, clean & organized) and that it won't be perfect until God makes everything new (in Heaven).... I still forget.

I'm telling her what I need to tell myself. This isn't it. I'm not home yet. Yep, I make mistakes. I'm human. I have more things to do than time in the day. And I tend to get crushed, immobilized, when I feel overwhelmed. I shut down. I want out. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to cry. I want to jump off a bridge.

Instead of doing something helpful like making a list and just doing one thing I shut down.... I'm a computer but my power cord is unplugged.

I break down over the spills of life. And last night alone there were over 5 spills. Literally. Not made by me. But beyond my control.

Oh to be set free. Free of myself. So today instead of being condemned by my mirror, my home, my lack in parenting ability, my meals I prepare I will choose to say, "Yep, I'm not home yet."

Heaven looks so sweet in the absence of perfection that is found here. Found within myself and found outside myself.

And instead of focusing on what isn't right I will choose to thank God for what is. For the good that I see... and for the amazing things He has done.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Monday, April 23, 2012

Easter 2012 (part 4)

Kristin & Madison

Camera Shy...

Oh No!

Some Bunny loves you Madison!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Look at me Mom!

I've been trying to take advice from those who are older and wiser than me. I remember someone telling me that you should put aside what you're doing when your children ask you to come. They want to show you something or tell you something or just plain want your attention.

Well, I took that advice this week and boy am I glad I did. I was cleaning the boys room. I try to keep it clean but every now and again it needs a "deep clean" more like sterilization. Anyway, I was hard at work doing something when Libby came bounding in.

"Mom, come on. I want to show you something...."

Instead of brushing her off or telling her I was in the middle of something. I took 30 seconds to finish whatever was in my hands and went downstairs to join her. We went outside. She put her helmet on. And she got on a bike and rode.

For most of you this is no big deal. Libby is 7 after all, right?

But she was riding without training wheels for the first time.

You may ask why did she not learn how to ride a bike without training wheels before now? Two words: Samuel's Cancer.

When Samuel was diagnosed in August of 2010 one of the things we had to avoid during treatment was contact sports and that includes riding a bike. Unspoken we went without riding bikes. It would have been painful to have one other thing to remind us of what Samuel couldn't do... and I didn't want to leave him out.

For me, this moment was a break through. Watching Libby ride a bike... and that bike had no training wheels... I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe my life is returning to some kind of normal. Not an everyone's typical "normal" but our new level of normal for our lives.

I don't have a bike yet. I have looked on Craig's list. But I hope to soon join the kids in riding bikes.

As I watched Libby ride, her face glowing with pride, I felt so thankful that I had said yes. That I would come and see what she needed me to see. That I didn't refuse her because I was too busy with my "work".

And as she took the curve her hair flying behind her I felt myself whisper, "Amen."

Friday, April 13, 2012

Me and Peej

Peter Joel, why aren't you smiling? So serious at the moment. Contemplating life...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Life continues.

I'm tired and I only have a few minutes to post. Life here has been crazy, which I guess equates normal for us. I've had someone throwing up every day. Sometimes it's due to mucous draining in their tummy, sometimes it's sickness and other times gag reflex. Every day I clean up poop and puke and at times I feel reduced to being a janitor. Except not only am I a janitor but I'm a cook, nurse, pharmacist, chauffeur, maid, etc.

I love my kids. I love my "job". Sometimes though it's hard to do anything else. I'm pathetic at returning e-mails, phone calls, keeping up with the medical appointments. I feel like I'm doing alright caring for the kids. Keeping them in clean clothes. Feeding them. Reading them books. Giving baths. Keeping the house somewhat in "order". But anything else is just too much. I'm so tired. So unable to give more to others... relationships, friendships, writing, etc.

And breathe.

I'm overwhelmed if I think too  much on the future. I literally can't even look at my week but instead focus on one moment at a time. Sometimes I'm okay to look at the full day.

Easter morning Michael came to Mike and I while we were still sleeping and showed us his g-tube had pulled out... so there he is with a whole in his tummy. So mike jumps up and returns with his g-tube and  a monoject syringe and I hold him down as Mike puts the mickey button back in and re-inflates it with water as Michael screams. And yes, in the moment, I feel tired but I am thankful that He is Risen.

My Savior rose from the dead... that is the hope I possess. His Spirit is in me... the same that rose Him from the dead. And this life is fleeting and the seasons pass and change and my children are growing so fast and will quickly be out of the house... and all that is temporary and passing will be gone... and Jesus will make all things new. and I hold onto that. In my weariness. Tiredness. Desperation. And being overwhelmed.

I have felt frustrated and overwhelmed when I look at the needs that seem to be way greater than the resources but I know my God will provide. I know He will not forsake or leave me.

I really need to be getting ready to walk out the door but I'm in bed and in my jammies. Sometimes the need to just write and get these thoughts to "paper" overwhelm me. But the children are crying. Someone bumped their head. Someone is arguing over a pair of sunglasses. And life continues. the respite is over. Sigh.

Thank you Jesus that you didn't stay dead that you rose. That you triumphed over the grave. That you have victory over death. And that you care for me. And even the little things I experience. And the big things that overwhelm. You are faithful and worthy of all of me. You are more than enough for me.