Thursday, April 26, 2012

Condemnation vs. Conviction.

Right now I feel condemned. A woman waiting in her cell block on death row. Okay, that's over the top. Overly dramatic. And that's where I am... a big ball of emotions and hormones. I can't think clearly. My perspective is askew.

Some of you may or may have not seen the movie 10 Things I Hate About You . But right now I'm living the movie 10 Things I Hate About Me. Aaagh. Everything is wrong. Everything is messed up. I can't keep it together. I keep forgetting appointments. I am unable to complete tasks on time. I am overwhelmed.

But here's the thing I realized this morning as I stared myself down in the mirror. I am feeling condemnation not conviction. When I feel conviction I know what it's about... it's something specific. Condemnation is feeling bad in general about everything.

Another thing... I live in a broken world. And as many times as I tell my daughter Libby that we don't live in a perfect world (which she wishes everything was perfect, clean & organized) and that it won't be perfect until God makes everything new (in Heaven).... I still forget.

I'm telling her what I need to tell myself. This isn't it. I'm not home yet. Yep, I make mistakes. I'm human. I have more things to do than time in the day. And I tend to get crushed, immobilized, when I feel overwhelmed. I shut down. I want out. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to cry. I want to jump off a bridge.

Instead of doing something helpful like making a list and just doing one thing I shut down.... I'm a computer but my power cord is unplugged.

I break down over the spills of life. And last night alone there were over 5 spills. Literally. Not made by me. But beyond my control.

Oh to be set free. Free of myself. So today instead of being condemned by my mirror, my home, my lack in parenting ability, my meals I prepare I will choose to say, "Yep, I'm not home yet."

Heaven looks so sweet in the absence of perfection that is found here. Found within myself and found outside myself.

And instead of focusing on what isn't right I will choose to thank God for what is. For the good that I see... and for the amazing things He has done.

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