The Beautiful Letdown: Trusting God When Our Hopes Disappoint
It came from out of nowhere.
We were so content. We knew the plan. We had a vision for what was next.
And then out of nowhere an incredible opportunity fell into our laps.
And then it was encouraged again and again.
So we sought it out. This beautiful opportunity. And the doors kept opening. and opening. and opening. Everything seemed to line up in that way that you know it's from God's hand. And with these opening doors came a growing excitement. A peace that this was the next step. A joy that so many desires and passions and giftings were culminating in an expression of calling we had never imagined.
Friday the door slammed shut.
I wish I could say I responded beautifully. I felt sucker punched. Like the bottom dropped out. I felt like my world stopped moving but it continued onward spiraling so fast I couldn't keep up. I didn't want to eat. It hurt to breathe.
My prayers prior were "Lord, our hope is in you not in new circumstances." And I believed that with all of my heart. But I also acknowledged that we were either about to be abundantly blessed or in a very difficult position. And we didn't receive the abundant blessing... We knew everything was going to change or nothing at all. Actually it felt like our position would become increasingly more stressful, frustrating, and overwhelming.
So where is God in all this? He's right with us. He's not surprised. I confess though I had anticipated a different outcome. I had asked for signs and received them. I had asked people's opinions and for prayers and they saw the Lord in this with us...
So what was this all about? I still feel firmly committed that God is in this. That He is at work. That He is shaking something up and doing a new thing. I don't see the path though. Before it was clear and visible and it was just a step-by-step forward... now it's a dark unknown. The lights are out. The darkness is what I see. But I feel him reaching for my hand and putting my small hand in his large one and saying, "This is the way walk in it."
Mike and I have had challenges. We have faced much adversity and hardship. We have suffered. We have grieved significant losses. We have undergone much trauma. The path we were on seemed to be a place of promise.. A place of redemption, restoration and hope. And now.. this nothing. Now this disconcerting walking down the stairs and missing a step feeling. A jarring mis-step.
God is still at the helm. He is still leading us and we are following. But we are curious... Lord, what was this about? We were fine before and now we feel discontent. You showed us something not just good but amazing and seemingly perfect and then you withheld it from us... what are you doing God? What do you want to teach us? What do you want to reveal to us? What do you want us to know?
It was enough to be dragged through this whole process but we also got our children involved. And our families and our friends and our church... and it breaks my heart to say, "This wasn't it. The answer was no." To now have to go and disappoint others who were hoping with us. Excited for us.
Libby told me Friday night after many hours of processing the 3 things she knew about God at this time and I thought I would share them here... because they are beautiful and true.
1.) God loves us.
2.) God is good.
3.) God has good things for us.
I confess, this does not feel good. So isn't it wonderful that my feelings and reality do not have to align?! It doesn't have to feel good to be good. We can trust God's plan. We can trust His purposes. We know God is working all things together for our good for those who love God and are calling according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We know every good and perfect gift is from Him! (James 1:17) He is our good Father. There are so many verses on this but I especially enjoy "What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”Luke 11:11-13
Yesterday Mike and I experienced a powerful time for prayer in our bedroom. It was beautiful to feel God's presence and nearness. To come before Him and cry out to Him and ask God for wisdom and direction and to change our hearts and spirit. It was amazing to feel the shift in my heart. I believe Mike felt it too.
We are still disappointed. We are still confused about what's next but we will continue to seek God and follow Him. And we know that He will be what He has always been... faithful!
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