Letting Go of Judgments. Embracing My Thoughts & Emotions. Taking Responsibility. Surrendering Control.
Ugh. I don't want to be that person. I know I didn't want to hear it for myself. But the thought came to me earlier this week that I am where I am in life because of the choices I've made. Good and bad. Habits. Systems. Relationships. So many choices that have gotten me to where I am today.
This isn't a declaration of autonomy or personal sovereignty, but a recognition of responsibility and calling.
All in all, I am so thankful for where I am. But there are areas where I need to take ownership...
Let me give an example: becoming resentful when I see a sink full of dishes.
Instead, I need to recognize my family is able to help. I can remind them to take responsibility for their cereal bowls or baking endeavors. But often I roll my eyes, plunge in, depriving them of an opportunity to grow, and grumble that I only came to the kitchen to fill my water bottle.
I am not saying that I can't or shouldn't serve my family. There will always be chances for me to bless and serve and a long list of chores I like to do and those I don't. What I'm recognizing is that I don't need to give in to a compulsion. Nursing anger and resentment, or taking on a martyr complex is my own bad choice. It's not on my kids. Or my husband. Or the dogs. Or my friends. Or other family members.
It's not the laundry, dishes, vacuuming/sweeping/dusting/cleaning or the lack thereof... It's how I am choosing to relate in my heart to situations and expectations.
Perhaps I need to enforce some consequences. Maybe it means that there should be no screen time until things are picked up/put away/cleaned/in order. It will help my children if I take the time to show them how it's properly done.
But I choose how I use my time and how I dwell on things that don't happen according to my preferences.
I choose how I respond to things.
I choose my attitude and focus.
I choose whether or not I let go of my first reaction. I will have thoughts and feelings... and I can't always control having them. Good ones and bad ones. But I can choose how I respond to them. Do they become the thing in me that spreads like a bitter root that I won't let go of? Or will I see them as growth opportunities?
Old Pattern: I would have a bad thought and then feel bad about having a bad thought. And then be angry that I wasn't able to let go of the bad thought.
Instead, I can say, "hm. that was a bad thought. Let's let that go." Inhale. Exhale.
Moving forward I am asking myself some questions:
Am I doing this to prove something/gain approval? Is this about taking care of myself and meeting my needs or projecting myself on to someone else's needs that I haven't been asked to meet? Am I trying to do something to garner attention or validation? Two's struggle with needing be okay with every relationship in their lives in order for themselves to be okay. Am I okay even when someone else is unhappy/unpleased with me? Is this something that I am responsible for or is this appropriate for someone else to attend to?
So it's all a learning thing. A process. A journey.
Learning to accept things I can't change. So many of those: my sister's death, Samuel's cancer, my parents divorce, etc.
Learning to take ownership of myself: my choices, behaviors, actions, words.
Learning to release my thoughts and emotions. Trusting God that He is enough and He is at work and that I don't have to strive for perfection. He is perfect. I don't have to look to my good works for righteousness. His righteousness is already applied to me. I don't need to seek the approval of others. I'm living for the audience of One.
Seeking Him for wisdom. Trusting His grace is enough.
I left the room to attend to something. Coming back into the room and recognizing that I needed to once again hear what I wrote. I have not arrived friends. But in the recognizing I hope that I am growing!
What are you recognizing in your own life? What do you struggle with? Where do you see yourself growing?
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