Cancer Clinic at Christmas Time: I am More than What I Do/Don't Do

 Cancer Clinic today.

And I'm not the one taking him. 

Does that make me a bad Mom? 

I have tears already converging at the corners of my eyes. I am trying to blink them back. 

Walking THOSE halls. Seeing THOSE Docs. Hearing all THOSE words... all the other future looming disasters/cancers/potential heartaches to come... and my husband is the one taking them on for me. 

I am being benched. Not sure if I'm being benched by Mike or if I am benching myself. It's already been a doozy of a few weeks. Working through some very difficult past traumas and heartaches...

Not for a moment would I think Mike was a bad Dad if he didn't take Samuel. But I feel like a bad Mom.

You see I get so  caught up in who I am being based on what I am doing. If I am doing the dishes or the laundry or making the meals I can add stars to my chart. When I'm wrapping presents or sending out Christmas cards or facilitating hot chocolate and gingerbread houses... When I'm doing the Advent Readings and Adding the Jesse Tree ornaments or reading the names of God... then I'm good.

But what if being in Christ means I am good because I simply am. I breathe. I exist. 

What if that whole thing of God not only forgiving my every sin and wiping every debt away didn't stop there? But what if the perfect righteousness of Christ was applied to me! Guess what- Spoiler Alert- IT IS!!!

So what does that mean? It means I can never go wrong. I can never do bad. I am ALWAYS ENOUGH! What?!

Let me confess. I have been saved since I asked Jesus to be my Savior at 5... but sometimes all the truth that goes with it is still catching up to me. 

What if I am allowed to have joy now? What if I can have peace now? What if I can be grateful to my husband for being an amazing Papa, what my kids call him, and recognize that doesn't mean I'm a bad Mom. I'm not failing or falling short.

Here's the thing guys. I'm not saying I have arrived. I am not perfect. I sin. I screw up big time... BUT in the eyes of the One that matters most I don't. He sees Christ. He sees perfection. He sees no sin. 

So I want to try this on for size... what if I can walk around without all the guilt, the judgment, the bad I feel about and towards myself and instead choose to see me as God does- wholly and dearly loved? That feels a little scary but mostly absolutely wonderful... that sounds like a bathtub I want to soak in.

So I'm reminding myself I don't have to earn it. It's not anything I am doing. Hmm... What?! I can relax. Breathe. I can do the things that want and need doing but it doesn't limit or define me! I am more than what I do?! I don't have to be perfect?! I don't have to have it all together?! I am enough as I am. What glorious news!

So I sit and rejoice in my Savior this morning. His good work is enough. I breathe in this Emmanuel... God With Us... who put on flesh... who came as a small helpless babe... and came to rescue us. He thinks I am worth it. He thinks you are worth it. 

So whether it's cancer clinic or dishes and laundry or caring for clients I can relax and trust God. His love for me isn't based on what I do or don't do... he's not looking to my accomplishments. I am covered in Christ. So I can exhale praise. I can rejoice. I am enough... because He is more than enough for me.