Adrift

I've been weary. The kind of weariness that almost takes on a dream-like quality. I find myself trying to do things but I keep going slower and slower. It's like I'm moving through mud... or maybe even quick sand. Because not only is it hard to keep pressing forward but I find myself sinking down, down, down. Almost afraid that I will soon be in over my head.

Tomorrow (December 7th) would have been my beautiful sister's 29th birthday. And she's not here to celebrate with. She's having the best party imaginable. In Heaven. With Jesus. And her son. And those who have gone ahead. Lucky.

In the meantime I'm still in this sinful, painful, broken world. And frankly it sucks.

I find myself going through the motions. doing laundry. Washing dishes. Preparing meals. Giving kids their medicine. Reading books. Exercising. But I feel so on the brink of breaking. Imploding. Collapsing in on myself.

Even the normal and mundane tasks feel more than I can bear. a fatigue has set in that I can't shake. The lethargy grips me before I even rise in the morning. I feel tired and overwhelmed before the day begins.

I know it won't always feel this bad. And I hold onto that in the midst.

I'm difficult right now. Moody. Irritable. Raw. Quickly hurt. Quick to be angry. I'm so frustrated with myself. Because I'm not behaving how I think I should. I should be kind. Patient. Gentle. Loving. Etc. But I'm not. And I can't even be better. I can't do it on my own. That's where I fall on my face and scream, "Jesus help me. I can't do this." And somehow, miraculously, I find myself getting through the day. And another day. And through the week.

Samuel's scans are on the 28th. Yippee. Something to dread through Christmas. I'm trying to put the anxiety aside but it keeps popping up like a buoy in the ocean. I try to shove it under the water... and I succeed for a little while and then bam. It pops up again.

So, yeah, I'm not a cheerful, uplifting person to be around or read right now. That's okay. God is big enough to hold on and hopefully you can bear with me during this rocky time.

A lot of people have asked me how things are going right now. That's hard to answer. We are extremely grateful that Samuel's life has been preserved. He still has bouts of pain. Lot of late effects from chemo and radiation. Lots of big adjustments. We are still trying to figure out what life is outside of "living" at the hospital. Mike is proactively looking for work. We are still trying to pull things together... and it still continues to be a struggle. One day at a time. We hope that we're on the upswing of things. We know life has been harder at various points then it is right now but we're still struggling under the pressure, stress, intense suffering of many years.

So please be praying for us and asking God to uphold us. We are hanging in there... and sometimes that's all you can do.

Comments

Rebekah Judd said…
Praying for you, Jennifer! Love you!
Caren said…
Praying for you Jenn! Hold on to Jesus...today and every day!
Sarah said…
Praying too. Hugs friend xxx
Kate Van said…
thank you for writing even through the pain & fatigue. I'm glad to be reminded to pray for you. Love you guys

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