One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I feel like such a hypocrite. Can I just erase the previous post? Okay, so it's not that what I said was false. It's just that my mood swings are driving me crazy.

I walked into a baby shower and walked out within 10 minutes. I couldn't handle it. I thought I could. I wanted to see my friend who we were celebrating. And I didn't last. I didn't even get to say hi to her. I don't think she even knew I came.

I started crying. Not the simple crying of shedding a few tears but gut wrenching sobbing. My Aunt walked me out. I called Mike and he came back and picked me up.

I saw my friend cradling her beautiful new son in her arms and it all just came down on me at once. I imagined seeing my sister at a baby shower holding her son. I imagined the joy and laughter it would have brought. I was supposed to throw her a baby shower

You never know when these things will hit but it hit hard and with such a force that it left me breathless and aching all over. I walked out to see two other people coming in with their beautiful children. I felt sick.

Why didn't Libby get to have her baby? Why didn't I get to be an Aunt? Why do I have to walk through this without her here?

These emotions feel so strong and real. But there is One who is greater than all this. And He knows every ache of my heart and every tear that I've cried.

So Jesus hold me. Hold me until all this pain dissipates. This storm is raging and I'm losing. Carry me out of this disaster. I know You are faithful and keep your promises. I know you say you will never leave or forsake me. Thank you that you love the broken hearted and you will bind their wounds. Fix this broken, bleeding heart of mine. Thank you that I know I will see my sister on the other side. I will be in Glory with you and her forever. Until then send Your Comforter. I need Your sweet Love that never lets go. Please, never let me go.