Don't See Me...

Something I'm discovering about myself is that I want others to think I'm perfect. Okay, maybe not perfect but without flaws. Not physical flaws.. those I can't conceal.. but I guess me as a person. I don't want others to not like me. Bad wording...I don't want to be disliked.

I'm afraid that if people saw the real me, they would be like, "Aha. I knew there was something I didn't like about you." It's that fear of not being accepted with my flaws that makes me try and hide. concealer. Where is the concealer? Or truthfully it's more like I want white out (correction fluid).. I want to wipe myself out completely. Maybe if I'm not seen I won't be corrected, criticized, or judged.

Where is the freedom in that kind of living?

My brother-in-law, David, asked me a question that provoked me deeply. I still meditate on it. He asked me, "Jennifer, what did Jesus say He came to do?" Not what others thought He would do... or we interpret of Him but what did He say about Himself...

I came that they may Have Life & Life ABUNDANTLY!!!! (John 10:10)

I love how The Message puts it: "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

This abundant and better and real life doesn't sound like a person who should be hiding, masking, and concealing. That fear I have of people criticizing me, or just not "getting me" (understanding me), leaves me crippled. I'm so afraid of being told I'm wrong that I forget to live.

I want to trust and walk by the Spirit. Let Him lead and guide me and show me and direct me. Let Him help me with tough decisions of what's best for my family. Show me what I should eat and not eat and what I should do with my days and how I should dress and how I should spend and save and give... and who I should love, and what I should want and need.

I want to cast off these shackles of mine. I want to embrace the fact that I am wrong at times, I make mistakes, and I sin. I am not a perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend or any other role I have.

But Christ accepts me even when I was a wretch. And now I am in Him and He is in me. I am a new creation. I want to be free of myself, hiding like a child who closes her eyes and says, "You can't see me." And I want to stop pretending that you don't see me.

I see me. And God calls it beautiful. And He's in the process of redemption. Redeeming this broken creature... Transforming me into something brilliant... and like Him.