Sunday, July 31, 2011

Choosing Life.

(I like this picture... but are they pills? I'm not talking about pills here)

To Life or Not to Life that is the question....

I'd rather not right now.

What?!

I know. I'm tired. But i'm kind of over it. I just want to push a pause button on life and sleep for a week and then press play.... well, maybe after I get to do something fun and relaxing after sleeping... Hmmm... okay, I will go for the week thing.

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I really don't want to choose life right now. It's stressful, chaotic, overwhelming and noisy.

Ian was throwing up two days ago. Low grade fever and rash on cheeks and arms. He went to the doctors yesterday and we found out he has strep throat. Now we have had to keep him apart from the other kids, in particular Samuel, who is of course neutropenic (very susceptible to infection). Yippee skippee.

Mike and I both feel weary and crappy and don't really want to do anything except sleep... and well, that just doesn't happen around here. Too many needs. Too many, "I'm hungry.... I'm thirsty... I need my diaper changed... He __________ me... (fill in with: hit, pushed, bit, kicked, tripped, sat on, squished)"

Unfortunately on the weary days you can't just say, "Okay, I'm going on vacation now... or I would like a sick day... or I quit". You still are a parent. And it's not something I'm going to walk away from even when I really want to. I love my kids. I know that they are precious gifts from the Lord. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm weary to the bone and just want to throw in the towel.

Adventures of this week have included a laundry room makeover (detergent EVERYWHERE!!!), a perfumed child (my favorite perfume is almost completely used up), countertop spray all of over a little person, the floor, and the counter, "fountains inside the house".... pools of random water found in random places, my nail polish being broken into, my make-up broken into... and my "spa" stuff that was new and in packaging, opened and emptied. Oh and my personal favorite, the twins managed to get on top of the counter, into the scissors and into a bag of Starburst jelly beans in which they consume almost a half of a huge bag in about 5 minutes.

Oh and Mike's car is not working...

... and did I mention that most of my clothes (which I don't have much of) has been shrunk in the dryer.

I'm working my rear off (literally and figuratively) to lose weight. Most of my clothes have been given away... they are too big... and then the clothes that did fit got shrunk... it's pretty depressing. I know that I have so much compared to the world... I shouldn't whine.. I'm just frustrated.

It's raining and gray outside.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Trying to hang in there...

A couple days ago I wrote in my Gratefulness journal for over an hour of all the things I'm thankful for.... of ways that the Lord has provided... of His gracious love and care for me... I should probably go re-read that journal... so I can take my eyes off myself and on what He's done. Instead of focusing on what's wrong thinking about what is right in my life. My kids are alive. I have a place to live. I have a great husband.I have clean water in my cup. I have some fuel in my car. I have food in my pantry. I have friends and family who somehow love me (It's shocking I know). And I have a Savior who loves me even when I'm whiney, tired and overwhelmed. I'm a rich woman.

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

3 comments:

Hannah Leilani said...

I love you Jen! so proud of you.you encourage my heart so much. praying for you. "Be strong in the Lord, and in HIS mighty power!"

muah!

Rebekah Judd said...

Thanks for that encouragement, Jennifer! I am still amazed at how exhausting parenting can be. Praying when you do sleep that it is miraculously peaceful (and restful) Love you and miss seeing you!

Kelsey said...

Praying for you. xo