Samuel is sick. Yesterday he was nauseous for a lot of the day and then threw up. He seemed better in the evening but this morning he was throwing up bile again.
I have to confess I feel pretty sick myself. Although I don't think it has to do with whatever Samuel has. It's the pit of fear in my stomach that's building.
October 22nd Samuel is scheduled for his next CT scan and since I found out last week I've felt this dread building inside me.
I'm tempted to think somewhat irrationally and question, "Is this just a stomach bug?" or is it an indication of something much more sinister going on. I expressed my fears to Mike this morning and he gently reminded me that Samuel didn't act sick until he was on chemo. Oh yeah.
Oh that's right, things seemed perfectly normal until they weren't. That's the sucky thing about cancer you don't know it's growing until it's grown. It hides. Things seem okay and then wham, it hits you out of left field.
It's hard to remind myself of truth. Nothing has changed. God is still in control. I'm not. He's for us and He's for Samuel. He loves Samuel a billion times more than I do. I need to rest in Him. Living out of fear and anxiety will not help me deal with my present or my future.
And yet my knees are knocking. And my stomach is churning. My hands are shaking.
It is an effort to force myself to take deep breaths.
How do you trust God and yet still quake inside? How do you believe His promises but are still scared?
I acknowledge my fears. I am afraid. I am afraid of Samuel having cancer again. I am afraid of Samuel dying. I am afraid of losing a child. I am afraid I couldn't make it through. I am afraid of the "worst happening..." again.
And then I pray.
Jesus, I am scared. I am scared of Samuel having cancer and I'm scared of walking through treatment again. I'm scared of him dying. I know you have ultimately defeated death. I know you are the victor. I know that Samuel is in your hands. But I'm freaked out and I don't want to lose him. Please help me to have peace in the midst of anxiety. Please calm the storm in my heart and soul.
Lord, this is fear talking. There is no proof of there being cancer. Help me to be grounded in reality. Samuel is sick right now but that doesn't mean it's not something as simple as a tummy bug or the flu. Help me to recognize that fear is yelling loudly in my head. Help me to take my thoughts captive. Help me to trust you with this day. This moment.
I know that you will be with us on the day of the scan. You will give me the grace for that day on that day, when I need it. Help me to release these fears to you, "rational" and "irrational". I know that you are more than enough for me. thank you Jesus. In your name I pray, Amen.
I ask for help. Friends, I need some encouragement and prayer. Would you please pray with me? I need God's peace to rule in my heart and my mind. I need my thoughts renewed. I'm struggling with depression and discouragement. I'm weak.
I let go of the "extras". I need to put aside all the unimportant tasks right now and do only the basics. Feeding the kids. Giving medicine. Offering snuggles and kisses and wet washcloths. This isn't the time to clean the pantry or organize my medicine cabinet or wipe out the fridge or make exquisite meals. It's time to sanitize the doorknobs and lightswitches and make more chicken noodle soup.
I have to stop beating myself up. I'm not perfect. I will overwhelm myself trying to do things perfectly. I need to be kind to myself and not berating myself for not having it "all together". I need to treat myself like I would a friend. I would never yell at my friend or tell her she's dumb or ask her what her problem is. I would be loving and compassionate and gentle and probably get her a cup of tea and tell her to sit down and breathe. I think I need to treat myself like a friend right now. Be gentle.
Grattitude. When I think of the things I'm grateful for then my attitude changes. Mike has work today which he hasn't had for a few weeks. Yay. There is gas in the car. I have money to get the groceries I need today. I have help today coming at noon. I don't have any medical appointments today or any other scheduled events. I have the opportunity to snuggle with my boy and love on him. The twins will be leaving shortly for kindergarten. I will probably get to drink a cup of tea today. I have dinner started already.
So yeah, people. These are my thoughts, my struggles, my issues. God is my hope. He is my strength and portion forever.
Going to go change Peter's diaper. And maybe even take a deep breath.