Monday, February 27, 2017

Broken hearted.

Today, I'm feeling broken hearted.  My husband uses the German word to sum it up well, Weltschmerz. It literally means world weariness. I'm weary of this world. Broken hearted how my idle thoughtless tongue has hurt someone I love. Tired of seeing people I love face cancer and difficult diseases. Looking at the political upheaval and turmoil that has brought father against son, families torn apart. People misunderstood. People used. I see the longing in people's eyes. A hunger to connect, to be accepted, to be known and to still be loved.

The temptation to run to food to fill up my empty spaces or to tune out to a Netflix show or buy something to fill up the longing is strong. To learn the importance of resting when needed but not to slip into depression like an old comfortable nightgown. Ratty, but familiar and worn.

I hurt for those hurting today. Those who feel alone, less than, not enough, abandoned or discouraged.   Those feelings can be so real... but they are not always the best indicators of our actual condition. We are loved more than we can imagine. Perfectly. Without flaw. And that love can only be something bigger and better and beyond us.... Something infallible. And it's real.

So even as I hurt I don't lose heart. Even as I cry I don't lose hope. This feeling is not forever. It too shall pass. The sun shall come out again. Trusting in the Lord to be my strength. Trusting in His joy to sustain me.

We're creeping up on March and with it that ever fixed reminder of losing my sister and nephew. It has been so many years and yet the hurt is still there. My heart squeezes in on itself and brings fresh pain.

* I can get lost if I look at the losing.*

Instead I choose to fix my eyes outward. To see those who are in need of a friend, of a hug, of a smile. I look towards God and ask Him to hold me close to Him. He is close to the broken hearted and near to those who are crushed in spirit. And I choose life. I choose cleansing. I choose renewal. I choose redemption.

I bring my world weariness to His feet and I surrender. I can't carry the pain, the heart ache, the failure and disappointment. But He can. And He can carry me. And that's more than enough...


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