Out of Hiding. Phoenix Rising.

The frazzle. The beauty. The sweet ecstasy. The terror. When I write. It comes to me. The real me. The real feelings. The depth. The reality. So I seek to avoid it. When I write I know myself… and that can be a very frightening thing.

my days are so full. Medical appointments. Tests and more tests. Therapy. Homeschooling. Follow through. Laundry. Dishes. Washing machine not working right. Garage door busted. The steps that need repair. The lawn that needs mowing. The math problems to assist. The reading a loud. The bathing of 5 kids to oversee and manage. And my best friend and beloved gone over 80% of the time with work.

So to sit and quiet my heart… Please let me do anything else. Let me scrub the floor. Wipe the poopy butt. Distract myself with FB or Instagram. Berate myself for not keeping up. For making a mistake.

To still myself brings confrontation. Damn it. I hate it. The silence that seeps in. Quietening my heart and catching my breath.

Do I really believe I’m enough? In my own of course not… but the deeper question… am I enough in Him? Do I believe that? Do I believe God is enough? 

Why do I strive so hard? To please others. To seek their acceptance. Their understanding. 

My heart bleeding all over these words. Please stop. Stop being so honest. So real. So uncomfortably vulnerable.

There is no going back. It’s coming out. It must. And with it the toxic poison can leave me and maybe true healing can be enough. Maybe I can heal. 

I’m not hiding anymore. Not hiding behind my children or their medical diagnoses. Not hiding behind the pain and struggle of my past.

Being open exposes you to criticism. It leaves me open to failure- the thing I fear most. 

I don’t have it all together. And though all the world knows this I’m so ashamed for it to be seen. To be exposed. The good, the bad, the ugly.

My story is my own. Losing my sister and nephew. My son having cancer. My other son cerebral palsy, a feeding tube for 5 years and now a new genetic diagnosis. The struggle of being a child of an alcoholic. My mental health issues of depression and anxiety. The PTSD. The hard financial struggles. Watching my son in his hearing loss. Endocrinologist. Geneticist. Pulmonologist. Cardiologist. Neurologist. Physical Medicine and Rehab. They are all apart of my story…. but they don’t define me. 

I am me. Jennifer Leigh Napier. Somedays I resemble the ashes more than the rising phoenix but I know my story isn’t finished. It’s not done. I’m being redeemed…. slowly changed more and more into His likeness. Until that sweet day when He calls me home and I see Him face to face. 

I groan. Longing for the world to change. The brokenness and pain to cease. The tears to stop being spilled. The mind numbing suffering and loss to end. We are not there yet. 

But we’re not alone. We don’t walk this path alone. 

God. Breathe Him in. Breathe in His beauty. His majesty. I see it in the mountains. The oceans. The forest. The plains. The wildflowers. The sunset. The sunrise. His reflections of His beauty are left for us to see in His creation. How much more spectacular the Creator.

I see it in the beauty of my children. The giving up of their favorite thing to share with a sibling. The desire to share Jesus with their friend at school who doesn’t know God. I see it in the thoughtfulness of my daughter. I see it in the self-sacrifice of my husband. This God at work. Who is powerful. Who is mighty to save. Who is bigger than I can imagine. 

Let us be consumed by Him. 

I’m not perfect. Not even close. But I’m consumed by His perfection.

I’m drawn to Him as He has drawn me to Himself. My hope is not in my kids health. It’s not in Mike’s job changing. It’s not in my current circumstances. it’s not in a perfectly organized home or a clean car. It’s in God and in Him alone. 

He is the satisfier of our hearts. The only true fulfillment of our deep needs and longings. The only One who can  quench our endless thirst and satisfy our eternal hunger.

Holding onto Him. And In faith, taking this step to embrace my writing. I’m not a perfect writer. But I am one. And it’s going to be okay, even when it doesn’t feel okay.

What do you need to embrace today? How do you need to let Him enter into the deep aches of your heart? He loves you. He’s crazy about you. He was singing over you just this morning and will watch over you as you sleep tonight. Let Him in. Let Him change you. He has good for you in the midst of your pain and struggles. He will restore you… slowly but surely- Our God is faithful!