Birthday Reflections...

Can it be birthday reflections if it's five in the morning? I'm not reflecting on the day... it hasn't quite happened yet. Woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. So showered and sitting at IHOP for my free birthday breakfast. And so I'm rambling.

This year. I thought 37 was going to be amazing. I think primarily because it had the number 7 in it which is one of my favorite numbers ergo it had to be an amazing year. But last birthday I was hopped up on pain meds at my daughters dance recital trying to recover from my miniscus repair surgery. And then just over a week later I was in a car accident that left me debilitated through the summer and a lot of the Fall.

This year was marked with changes. Putting my younger 3 back in public school. Homeschooling only the older 2. Debilitating depression and panic attacks at times. Mike's continued travels for work.

Michaels' diagnosis of Klinefelter Syndrome and official diagnosis of intellectual disability.

The horrible loss of family members and friends. Experiencing grief personally and for others.

Saying goodbye again to the way I thought life would be. These last 3 months have been a tumultuous gut wrenching, heart breaking time.

AND YET

Joy. Peace. Strength in my weakness. Grace in the moments where I think I won't be able to breathe again.

God is still faithful. He sits on His throne. He reigns.

It doesn't mean life is perfect or easy. It doesn't mean there isn't suffering. It means that in the midst of those things God is present and He is at work.

So 38... here I am. Here we go. This year expecting God to be working in His mysterious ways. Creating a way when there was none. Bringing water into my desert places. Bringing abundance in my lack. Bringing strength to my weakness.

I rest in that. There is nothing I can do to escape from His love. Nothing I can do to change the way He feels towards me. I am in Him and He is mine. Holding onto hope that there is joy and that God will change my mourning into dancing.

This is a year filled with adventure. Mike and I going to Europe this August. New starts and restarts. Continuing on my health journey. Putting the older two back in public school. A lot of trusting God. A lot of hope for the future even when some areas of my life are marked with darkness and grief.

Asking Jesus to rule and reign in me this year and however many years I have to come. And whether I'm spending the day in Church, or lunch with my family or blowing out candles, I can rest in the joy that I belong to the Lord. Happy birthday to me.

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