Which Way is Up

Have you ever had that moment in the ocean where a wave causes you to take a tumble and you can't figure out which way to the surface? That's where I've been lately. Desperately trying to find my way to to the top so I can break out of the water to grab some air.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone the other day and I said to her casually in the course of conversation... "Which way is Up?"

In this funk, this depression that has come over me, I've struggled to do daily life. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. It all takes a Herculean effort for me to do these very basic tasks.

And that's okay.

And I'm finally realizing that.

This year we were struck with an emotional blow that still leaves us winded and gasping for air. I'm heartbroken. And yet...

And yet there is a God who is bigger than every struggle, bigger than my depression, bigger than the hole in my aching heart.

Sometimes it is so clear to see this invisible love tethering me gently to Himself. Other times it's more of a small whisper of "I believe you're there God even though I don't feel it."

Some days my act of courage is attending dr. appointments, IEP meetings, and managing my 5 wonderful chaotic children. Other days it's simply getting out of bed.

I gave a pint of blood yesterday for the 8th time yesterday, which means I've donated a whole gallon of blood in total. Each pint has the potential of helping save 3 lives. As it's December I did it in memory of my beautiful amazing sister. It's hard to believe Libby would have been 36 on the 7th. It's been almost 15 years since I last saw her on this earth. And I still imagine that I'm going to see her or hear her voice or have her bossing me around. Who knew younger sisters can be so bossy?! Am I right?!

This morning I'm embracing the quiet moment of everyone asleep. I wish I could sleep but I'm wide awake and have been since 4. My heart is full of expectation and anticipation. It is yearning this Advent Season for the coming of our Savior. What I ache for most is Jesus. His presence. I long to see His face. To be comforted by The Comforter. To be held by the Father.

Surrendering all my thoughts, feelings and actions to Him today. Breathing deeply in His grace, exhaling His praise. Another day has come and I have found the surface.


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