What do you do in the middle of disappointment? Why Making Beds & Green Drinks Matter.

 What do you do in the middle of disappointment? 

When you are stuck waiting. When the answer is no. When the time is not now. When they are moving in another direction. When the hope is deferred. When you are trying to believe, trying to hope there is something better. Do you know that crushing feeling of disappointment? When that dream you longed for has gone somewhere to die? When you thought the mountain would be moved? When the answer isn’t healing on this earth? When the relationship is broken and reconciliation seems impossible? 

God is at work in the barren
frosty ground of our hearts

    What do you do in the midst of that?

    I know what I wanted to do.

    Last night It felt like too much. It felt too big. Too hard. Too devastating. I wanted to eat and numb myself with carbs. I wanted to binge on foods high in fat and sugar. I wanted to let myself escape the pain even for just a while. 

    But I didn’t. I ate a salad. And then I drank a green drink. And I watched something sad and gave myself permission to cry. But I didn’t cry. 

    Instead it was today I was inundated with tears as I was trying to find my keys so I could get to an appointment. Mike accidentally had the car key I needed. And it all came crashing down on me. The weight of heartache, of hopes deferred, of broken relationships, of sickness that leads to death, of a sister’s birthday once again I will never be able to truly celebrate until I’m with her in Heaven, of the financial challenges that have percolated for the last two months…the instability and unknowns of Mike’s career.

This scary, place of trusting God. Of believing He is who He says He is… even when I don’t feel like it. Of holding onto His promises that His plans for me are good. To prosper me and not to harm me. For hope and a good future.

Oh friends… He has been so faithful. And I know He will be again. 

Hasn’t this year has been full of disappointments? The uncertainties of job security. Job losses. Pandemic. Social unrest. Confusion. Schooling options. Cancellation upon cancellation. Cancelling our fun plans. Our hopes to travel. Our plans to be with others. Our vacations.Celebrations postponed and deferred. 

I can see good happening in the midst of the hard. Sweet flowers sprouting from the cracks of my sidewalks. Hope pushing its way through the dung of life. Growth happening in spite of me.

I thought when I lost all the weight… that I would be at the top of the mountain. But I’ve come to realize instead that losing the weight and making the mental shifts and changing my habits was training. It was helping me build strength and teaching me endurance… because the truth is I’m at the bottom of the mountain but I am now equipped to climb the mountain. I now have what’s needed to face and ascend this mountain.

I don’t have the answers. At times I have miserably failed to keep hope. I have wanted to quit. To give up. To sink into a mire of despair and concede to the darkness. But God.

But God rich in mercy keeps pursuing me. Keeps holding me by the hand. He tenderly leads me with His love. 

Something I often say to my kids I have been telling myself lately as well. “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

What does that mean? It means making the bed. Taking out the trash. Doing the dishes. Folding the laundry. Eating your vegetables. It means working out… again. Taking a shower. It means making the phone call and doing that task you have been putting off for the last week, month, or year. It means embracing the hard. It means doing it imperfectly. Doing it messy. Not having your crap together and going for it anyway.

Today, I was sad, and angry and hurting. But I made my bed. I drank my protein drink. I ate consistently.  I drank my water. 

I was so blessed to be a part of my company’s amazing virtual conference a few weeks ago. One of the inspiring leaders, who I greatly admire, was talking about this very concept. Of being in the midst of heartache and despair and yet doing the the next thing we know we need to do. We must lead ourselves if we are to lead others. So sometimes, and yes, I know I sound like a Frozen 2 soundtrack we must do the next right thing. 

Sometimes building those good habits are such a gift because we can do them even when we don’t feel like doing them… because they’ve become instinctual. They’ve become a part of us. It’s just what we do. 

And sometimes building the habit of trusting God… putting my faith in Him is a gift. I have been flexing my  trust in God muscle. To believe He is who He says He is. Life doesn’t feel good or easy right now but you know what… I don’t have to let my feelings have the final say. I can do the next right thing in spite of how I feel.

So I’m pushing forwards friends. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving up. I’m not quitting. I’m putting on my big girls pants and leaning into the creator of the universe knowing He’s not done with  me. I’m going to build something. I’m going to keep growing, keep learning, keep creating. I’m going to keep loving and serving and believing. 

Broken-hearted people of the world unite. God’s got us. Let’s keep going.