Groping in the Dark: Finding the Light of Jesus in the Midst of Despair.

Please be warned this material may not be appropriate for young people. Topics cover abuse, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Please do not read if this will be a trigger for you. Please use your own discretion.

 I wanted to cut myself today. Oh the shame of even typing those words. It's been a while. A long while since I wanted to harm myself. But the pain is so bad. So bad my friends. So the easy way out of the mental and emotional pain, is to create physical pain. Instead I chose to eat a salad. I got a chiropractic adjustment. I exercised for some physical release.

Yesterday during EMDR opened a gulf of trauma... abuse from childhood that wanted to tear me open and ravage me like a wolf with a small rabbit. I felt like I was drowning in sadness, fear and shame. It was oppressive and suffocating. 

You see I've decided to go all in on my healing. I want to work through the trauma of my past. And boy is it work. Deep hard, devastating work. One that has me asking questions like, is this the right time? The right way? the right therapist? My counselor specializes in trauma work and we have a deep rapport and I like her very much. But she doesn't bring in the light of Christ or the hope of the Gospel. We don't pray. 

So when I was in the therapy session yesterday. In the midst of deep trauma and pain, I discovered that I had the thoughts, "I wish I were dead." Wow... did my suicidal thoughts reach that far back. Did they stem out of a 5 year old little girl? 

By the end of the session there was some small hope. I remember going to the place in my mind... "This is NOT how the story ends." and reminder that "This too shall pass." We went to my safe place and then I entered right back into the real world. 

I've been creating some time and space afterwards to process or sleep. I have an easy meal ready for the kids and I try to block off the time so I'm not doing anything too mentally challenging. Even texting can be strenuous and I've miscommunicated while my brain is in such a state...

The old me wants an out. Wants to run away from this pain. It would feel easier to take my life than to bear the pain. This new me says no. I'm here for a purpose. For a reason. God is not done with me yet and I'm not done with me either. 

God has been healing and restoring me. Helping me transform my physical health which has been a wonderful and beautiful gift. He is teaching me to set boundaries and to ask for help. He is showing me it's okay to have needs and meet my needs. If I'm thirsty, I can have water. I do not need to deprive myself or torture myself or belittle myself. I don't need to minimize my needs or make fun of them or mock them. 

I am also learning that I have suffered many traumas in the course of my life. I don't need to compare it with others or downplay it or pretend it didn't happen. Instead I need to look at it and recognize it and see it but also be able to say to it... you don't own me. You are not my identity. My unhealthy ways of coping don't need to rule me.

So what do you in the face of feelings of hopelessness, fear, shame and despair? You ask Jesus to come in. You ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You pray. Worship. Cry out to the Lord. 

I'm broken friends. But I'm not finished. I'm not done. God is not done. He is doing a good work in me and He who began it will be faithful to bring it to completion. 

A friend recently asked me what God is doing in my life. I said He's taking me deeper. He's healing me. She asked me what verse am I holding onto right now. I said, Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

She in turn encouraged me with this, "In returning to me and resting in me you will be saved. in quietness and confidence is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

Even though I can feel my trauma in such a pronounced way at this time I know I'm not the only one hurting and struggling. So many are facing heartaches and heart breaks. Loss of children. Miscarriages. Cancer. Broken relationships. Loss of income. Loss of home. Loss of loved ones due to Covid and other illnesses and accidents.

Know that our God desires and longs to comfort us. He is the One who upholds us. He grieves with us in our losses. He weeps over the death, disease, and struggles. He loves us even as we are hurting and struggling. He is not disappointed with us. He's not displeased. He longs to comfort us like a mother hen gathers her chicks. He longs to heal us from the wounds that were done to us and the ones we created. He doesn't laugh or mock our addictions or poor choices in coping. He longs to show us ways in which we can truly heal and be whole... we need more than a bandaid... we were once dead in sin and He brings us back to life.

Are you discouraged today friend? Are you despairing? Hold on my friends. This verse has brought me comfort since the tragic loss of my sister... I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13. Keep holding
on.

I'm not saying that everything will be made perfect in this moment but one day it will be. One day all the sad things will come untrue.