I've been in bed all day.
This usually is a fantasy of mine while I'm preparing dinner and trying to simultaneously entertain five hungry, crabby kids. Oh to be in bed, able to read a book or watch a movie or enjoy the quiet. The idea usually thrills me.
But today it's because I'm sick. I've been barking like a seal. I've used Mucinex, Nyquil and Dayquil. My achiness has dissipated and I don't have much of a headache but the cough and chest pain linger on.
I've drank cup after cup of water and taken emergen-c throughout the day. My kids have intermittently popped in and out with a quick hello or hug and Mike usually ushers them out as quick as they came. I read a mystery novel, the entire book, today. But with tossing and turning and napping and sweating and brushing crumbs off the bed it wasn't as exciting an event as I pictured.
And Mike doesn't feel well either. So there is the pressure to get better so I can take care of him and the kids. And school starts Tuesday. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. The usual anxiety dream is I'm preparing for a trip and I'm about to board the plane but I didn't pack anything. I'm trying to throw things in a suitcase but it's too late. That's how I feel but instead it's real life.
I'm sick, sweaty, in bed- and unprepared for the school year. Yes, I have their school supplies. Yes, backpacks are packed... I guess it's more mental than anything. I don't feel ready for it to start. I don't feel ready for the kids to be older. To be heading into a new school year with new teachers and new expectations and responsibilities... and more homework and more questions of 'will they make friends?' 'will they be left out?' 'What if they're bullied?'
Ultimately, I want more time.
Time before summer slips into Fall. Before the leaves change and holiday events are around the corner. I'm trying to grasp at the fading rays of the sun wanting desperately for time to stand still. Libby is 8 next month. And Peter will soon follow with his 2nd birthday. Where does time go?
... There is something about the routine that the school year brings. a bit of predictability. A schedule to follow. Time to work on projects and clean the house. Time to fill the house with the aroma of freshly baked cookies before they get off the bus. Time to sit and write and reflect even if it's just while Peter's napping. Time to pick up a new skein of thread and knit a new scarf.
So, time passes. Whether we want it to or not. It keeps moving... taking us from one time to another. from one season to the next. Asking God to prepare my heart and the hearts of my children for this school year. To rest in His peace that surpasses my understanding. To pray and to let go of the worry and anxiety that eats at me. To surrender all things to Him. and to trust that He knows what is best... even on sick days.