Rambling & Prayers

I’m a mess. And I realized I hate being a mess. I hate being imperfect. I hate being broken and sloppy and inadequate and unable.

What’s my problem. Why can’t I press through? 

Here’s the thing. I don’t have it together. I can’t even brush and floss consistently. I’m unable to keep up with kids chore/responsibilities. I create schedules I can’t follow and to-do lists I can’t finish. I set my hopes for the moon and always fall flat on my face.

So how does one let go and surrender my expectations and desires and yet press forward and keep trying. How do I continue to keep making goals? Trying to accomplish things? How do I attempt a schedule for them? How do I model good behavior? Eating habits? Sleeping habits? Exercise habits? 

How do I move forward from this place of apathy. But the problem is I don’t have apathy. I care too much. I care what others think. I care that I’m not meeting my own expectations.

Sigh.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall and willing myself to move forward. I can’t do it. I’m weak and unable. Apart from Christ I can do nothing. Nothing. No thing.

He’s my only reason I can change and grow and hope and believe that I can move out of this pit of self-indulgence and guilt induced shame and move forward. I can’t do it on my own.

In myself I don’t have the will, the ability, the strength to keep going.

My kids are fed. Laundry is done. But I’m imperfect. Inadequate. I fail. I stay up too late. I oversleep. Some days I feel I accomplish the world. Here’s the truth though. Whether I accomplish much or little I must do it with love and do it for God’s glory. Because if it’s only for my selfish gain than it’s a vapor and smoke that will disappear in a matter of moments. But if it’s done unto Him and for Him then it is lasting and eternal. It will bring pleasure to Him, the only audience that matters.

So, back to the drawing board. Pulling out my planner and calendar and to-do lists and giving it to God. Lord you have our days and our time. Let us live for your glory. Help me to see what you want me to do in each day. Help me not to be this crazy, reckless, driven woman but instead bow my heart to you and submit to your will and what you have for me. Help me to take each week, each day, each moment at a time and live where you’ve placed me.

I surrender my worries and anxiety to you. You are in control. I’m not. I relinquish my false control and say only you are worthy. I give myself, my heart, body, strength, talents, giftings, strengths, weaknesses, failings, sins, desires, worries, hopes, fears, dreams, and family to you. Use me as you will.

I am yours. Save me.

Amen.