I had him cornered. We're at a Christmas party and my pastor's on the couch and I plop down next to him with a stacked plate and I look him directly in the face, "Do you still believe in Miracles?" and without batting an eye he emphatically states, "Yes!"
I had been wrestling... do miracles still occur? How do I trust and put faith in my God to heal, to provide, to do the inexplicable, and still believe He's good if He doesn't come through in the way I hope and expect Him to?
What if the good guy doesn't win?
What if the cancer doesn't go away?
What if the bill doesn't get paid?
What if the pantry stays empty?
I had been praying in November and felt I was supposed to do a "40 days" in December. Freeda Bowers book, "Give Me 40 Days" has been something I've done often when I'm feeling desperate and has been a source of encouragement and a re-directing of myself to the Lord.
Asking the Lord to meet me in a significant way. Asking for Him to "show up". I have done this before. Specifically setting aside 40 days to spend 40 minutes a day with the Lord.
It's not some legalistic ritual. It's not some game to get what I want. It's not a if I do this, then I will get that. It's a time that I set apart to seek the Lord... but also to pray on behalf of others needs. It increases my awareness of my need for Jesus and for His presence in my life.
What I've come away with is not a fix to my problems... but an increasing awareness of God and what He's doing. I become aware that He is the One meeting my needs! I am aware that He is at work. He is at work whether I'm praying or not. Whether I'm faithfully obeying or not. Whether I'm reading my Bible or not. He's at work. He's not limited to my obedience nor is He deterred by my failing.
He is. He is enough. He is provider, sustainer, and Redeemer. He is mending bridges and paving ways. But when I stop to take time to focus on Him I am more aware of what He's doing and I don't see it as simply as me "getting what I've deserved or earned or worked hard for". I see His hand in the simple and mundane to the miraculous.
I asked for His help regarding some specific things and He has met those needs. But more imporantly He is changing MY mind and perspective. He's changing my heart. He is taking the fear away. The fear of scarcity and "not enough". The fear from my lack of "security".
God provided groceries for us not just once but 3 times! He provided extra money for Christmas - thank you anonymous giver! He provided a bonus that means we are able to pay rent tomorrow!
~I put a little more in my cart than I had money for. It felt uncomfortable. Awkward. Tissues-we were out. Some other things we needed. But where was the money going to come from? Was I about to get embarrassed and have to tell the cashier to put stuff back? I acted in faith. I did what I felt I was supposed to. Unexpectedly, I saw a friend at the store. Someone I hadn't seen in a while. She checked out a couple people ahead of me and came over after. She handed me a gift card which covered the extra things in my cart. God is an amazing, abundant provider! I don't think she understood how much it meant to me! And how God had answered my little step of faith.
~I had to go to SSI to work on the boys disability situation. I had all five kids and was there for over 5 & a half hours! I did the best I could to resolve the situation. These processes are inefficient and time consuming and often unnecessary. But I was able to be at peace. I played games with the kids. Had them work on Christmas crafts. We did school and drew with markers on white paper.
The kids talked to strangers. Peter drew a picture and gave it to a homeless man. You are not allowed to eat or drink in the room. The kids and I had to sit on the floor against a wall. all the seats were taken. But we were able to persevere. We laughed. We made up silly songs. And the Lord had me plan what to bring. Multiplication and Addition charts and dry erase markers. Gum they could chew. I led them into the hall for a 5 minute respite of chocolate chip muffins before we went back into the room. The kids did amazing.
~I had told Mike we should write a list "in faith" of how we will spend the money if the situation gets rectified... piles of needs and things that need fixing. I wrote each one down and we prayed. We didn't believe the situation would really get fixed but we asked the Lord in faith and just trusted Him to provide for our needs.
These processes can take up to 60 days to resolve. I had been working on this since September. I have never received a call from SSI so you can imagine my surprise when the next day I got a message asking me to come back and sign some paperwork so they could "release the funds". Astounding! The following week a friend watched the kids so I could go by myself. I was able to finish the paperwork, in the next 30 days we will have the money to purchase Samuel's medical supplies/tools that we need!
I have seen God provide and care for me in special ways. In unexpected kindness from my friends, from strangers, from anonymous givers.
But here's the miracle. I think it's the miracle that George Bailey had... it wasn't in the physical and financial needs being met... that was kind of the Lord but not necessary... it was my heart. The transformation of a heart that was afraid, anxious, and overwhelmed to one that trusted in the Lord. My hope was not in my circumstances being fixed... but in knowing that God promised to never leave or forsake me.
He provided, more than enough. I think what I really needed to know is that God hadn't forgotten me. He is present. He is with me. He sees me. He knows. He cares. And I can see the abundance from Him. From surprise groceries left at our door to the painted sky as the sunsets to holding my husband's grandfathers hand in the nursing home. I see each gift more clearly and recognize that all good things come from Him. They're not of my own doing, making or deserving... It's grace. His grace given to me.
Praying for continued miracles for this year. A transformation of my mind, body, and soul. The Lord is encouraging me to trust Him and to keep acting in faith. I also want to be generous.
I hope I can give of myself: my heart, my time, my prayers, my love, my acts of service, my money, my food....
Faith, Generosity, Transformation.
Recount the faithfulness of God and look forward to the continued goodness that we will see! Taste and see that the Lord is good!
Wishing you a New Year where you see the Lord clearly and see His abundance in your life... in the simple and mundane and in the miraculous.