Not deaf enough... trusting God and His timing

 So the report, the latest update on Samuel, long story made short... he’s not deaf enough. Eventually he will get cochlear implant surgery but not yet. To make matters worse the surgeon wants him to go back to standard hearing aids instead of the crossover that he’s currently using. It’s hard to explain why this is frustrating but basically it feels like we are going backwards and making his hearing much worse.

I’m struggling with anger. Struggling not being in control. 

His tests are too inconsistent. He is repeating back word sounds. He is good at mimicking... even though he’s not comprehending. But beeps made at the same volume as weirds he doesn’t hear at all.

I wish I could show the challenges he faces in daily life. How it affects school, work, play, church, family time. Insurance companies don’t care about that.

I’m angry and I’m in tears. I want to trust God. I want to believe He is good and faithful and His timing is perfect. And I am struggling.

We haven’t told him yet. We will. And here is the amazing thing about Samuel. He will, 99% sure, have a positive and amazing  attitude... so why can’t I?

I was sharing with Mike how blessed we are that Samuel has such a positive outlook. The way he sees life is through a fantastic filter. I said so many people could hear what he is able to hear but would hear negativity and lack. He hears abundance. He is always taking what he hears or thinks he hears and is putting the most positive spin on possible. I love this kids brain. Hardwired to believe the best.

I got away for a couple nights. I read books and drank coffee while it was still hot. I looked through old pictures and prepared them for scrapbooking. I listened to worship music. I did face scrubs and masks. I ate food I didn’t have to cook. I pondered and cried and slept.

Now to go back and face “real” life. Asking God to give me strength and walk with me step by step through the many challenges we are facing. As I looked back at pictures, some from my wedding, some from Samuel’s cancer treatment, births of children, pictures of those who have now passed, pictures of relationships now broken... pictures of g-tubes now removed, pictures of toddlers now teens... I marvel. I marvel at the heartache and I marvel at the Healer. He never promised it would be easy... but He promised He would never fail, leave or abandon us. So as I continue moving forward I am putting my hope and trust in Him and who He says He is.

So maybe I’m the one who needs my ears opened, because clearly Samuel’s hearing isn’t the one that needs fixing... maybe it’s me. Lord help me hear you. Help me believe.