Monday, October 01, 2012

Pink eye, flooding and CT Scans, oh my!

So, tonight wasn't what I thought it would be.

As I was mopping up the kid's bathroom with towels I couldn't help but think two things.
            "For sick kids they really do know how to create a disaster."
            "Really, I have to clean this up to????!"

We have had some sick kids. Double ear infections. Conjunctivitis. Viral and non-viral. The former being pink-eye. Vomiting. Coughing. Wheezing. Fever. Goopy eyes. It's been "fun". And today I've felt shakey, weak, headachey, and sore all over. No fun.

We seem to get over one kind of yuckiness to move on to the next.

So the seven of us trooped into the doctor's office early this morning and left with a plethora of prescriptions for antibiotics, eye drops and ear drops.

I thought I was doing a good job entertaining the kids in our little holding cell in the doctor's office. We sang Old McDonald for a loooong time. A nurse popped in and gave the kids some new books to read and to keep. It was really nice and sweet until it dawned on me... Oh gosh, they're trying to get me to shut up. Whoops. At least we were singing happily.

So tonight, laying in bed, I think I hear the sound of water. Libby runs in my room in a panic and tells me to "Come, quick. You won't believe what the boys did."

So yes, one of my son's decided to leave the sink water running and managed to flood the bathroom. So I used about five oversized towels to control the mess.

Another pile of laundry created.

I'm tired. I am. I don't want to do another thing. I'm running on empty and somehow I keep forgetting that this isn't all for me to carry. I keep trying to do it all.. and I can't. I'm worn out. I don't have the strength or the energy.

Jesus tells us to come to him all who are tired and heavy ladened and that He will give us rest. We need to take up his yoke and learn from him for He is gentle and lowly in heart and His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

The Message puts it this way, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


It is so comforting to know that Jesus loves me and He cares. He doesn't want me weighed down and burdened. I want to live freely and lightly. But I've been holding very tightly to very anxious and fearful thoughts.

the 26th Samuel will have an EKG and EEG. 
Samuel has a CT scan on October 31st.

And so on Halloween we will discover if his cancer has come back or if we remain NED (No Evidence of Disease). And once again  my heart has been racing. and my tongue has been sharp. Because I'm living out something I don't have the strength, energy or grace for. But have to fight obsessing about it. It's so much easier to give in to all my "what if" imaginings. It doesn't help me now. It won't help me then. Either I will have wasted my time and energy worrying about something that isn't... or I will be wasting energy I will need for then.

Often I have reminded friends that God won't give them the grace they need until the moment they need it. I wouldn't have had what I needed to face what I have in my life if I knew it all before I got married. There wasn't grace then. But there has been grace for each moment. The moments I've discovered I was pregnant. The moment we learned Michael's diagnosis. The moment we received Samuel's diagnosis. At each moment of overwhelming change God has been right there. I have felt His presence. I KNEW He was with me.

Found the picture of Samuel on the
Hematology-Oncology page at CHKD
 here!
And yet, somehow I've slipped into believing that God somehow can't do it again. As if He's not capable of being faithful. My thoughts follow along the lines of believing that my "grace card" has expired. As if Samuel's cancer were to return that God would abandon me! Never!!!! He has always been faithful and He will be again. I can trust Him.

And yet, I'm scared. Scared to walk down that road again. Scared of treatment. But there is One who is bigger than all this and I give it to him. And I lay down my anxious heart and say, "God this is yours. My heart, my worries and fears are all yours. My son Samuel is yours. Give me rest. Give me peace that surpasses all understanding. And give me the grace I need when I need it."

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day full of new mercies. The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be His name.


3 comments:

Sarah said...

Will be praying for you friend. Thanks for sharing honestly so we can stand with you in prayer for how it really is...

And I bet your rendition of Old Macdonald was great! We spent ages doing stories and silly rhymes at the dentist waiting room this week - gotta be better for other people than whinging surely? Bet the other people waiting with you secretly wanted to join in with the happy chorus!

Sarah said...

Will be praying for you friend. Thanks for sharing honestly so we can stand with you in prayer for how it really is...

And I bet your rendition of Old Macdonald was great! We spent ages doing stories and silly rhymes at the dentist waiting room this week - gotta be better for other people than whinging surely? Bet the other people waiting with you secretly wanted to join in with the happy chorus!

Sarah said...

Will be praying for you friend. Thanks for sharing honestly so we can stand with you in prayer for how it really is...

And I bet your rendition of Old Macdonald was great! We spent ages doing stories and silly rhymes at the dentist waiting room this week - gotta be better for other people than whinging surely? Bet the other people waiting with you secretly wanted to join in with the happy chorus!