Monday, October 21, 2013

CT Scan and EKG tomorrow.

Tomorrow is october 22nd. Samuel and I as well as Mike and Libby are traveling to the Children's Hospital at o'dark hundred for Samuel's 4 month check up. CT scan coupled with EKG. Hoping to hear that there is no change.

tomorrow marks 2 years out. 2 years of no cancer growing. I am praying and hoping and expecting good things but there is still dread and anxiety in me. My stomach is in a knot and I have a headache. I know it's the stress talking.

Trying to be kind to myself today. This is when my self-critic comes out strong. I want to beat myself up for not being perfect or responding perfectly. I'm mad for PMSing and feeling crappy. I'm mad that I don't feel ecstatic about cleaning and organizing. Or eating well. Or whatever. Shut up self. Be nice to yourself. You wouldn't treat your friends like that!

Either I want to try to do everything and be as productive as possible so that I'm too distracted to think about what's coming or I go into shut-down mode and just want to ignore the world by sleeping or getting caught in a book, entering another world that takes me far away from my present reality. Either way, I want to be distracted.

But here's the road I want to walk. The one where I acknowledge that it's scary and hard but it's going to be okay. God does not stop being God tomorrow no matter what the results are. His truths stay the same. It's much harder to face this thing and to surrender it to the Lord than either busy myself to the point of exhaustion or shut-down to numb myself.

I think the reason we fear is the unknown. We don't know what is going to happen. We can't promise or guarantee a specific outcome. I recognize my real "control" of this situation is nil, zip, nothing. And that my dears is very, very frightening for me. I love control. Or at least I think I do.

But today, right now, I choose to surrender it to God. I ask Him to sustain me and to help me with my shaky heart and shaky feelings and my shaky hands. I ask Him to heal Samuel and to bring about complete health. And I rest in the knowledge that God has good things for Samuel. He knows ultimately what is best. And He did not withhold his best from me or for us. He gave us Jesus. He gave us His Son. He paid the ultimate price for us. He brings us into relationship with the Father. And I have hope. Knowing that my future is ultimately secure in Him.

So if you think of it, the scan, Samuel, our family, please pray. Looking forward to sharing positive news and thankful that no matter what, come what may God is for us, so who can be against us? And what could possibly separate us from His love? "for I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present northings to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation {EVEN CANCER}, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!" (Romans 3:38) emphasis mine.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

We are praying. We have been thinking of Samuel a lot this week (now we know why!) so we are really really praying.

And keep taking it easy on yourself!

hugs xxx