It's almost 3 a.m. and I can't sleep.
I've tossed and turned for hours.
Just like I did last night.
I even avoided watching my recent tv show on netflix addiction.
So, what have I done....
I've found out a few friends are pregnant. Thank you FB
i got a great recipe for glazed lemon zucchini bread. Thank you friend's post.
I read some articles.
I drank some water.
I admired some photos.
And time slips by and my eyes closing doesn't lend to dreaming. this is rough because I need to get up in a few hours and start my day. And we have practicum in the morning (Conference for Classical Conversations). And I got so little sleep last night... and the night before. In fact for the past several weeks. And I told myself I would go to bed by 9!
And now my thoughts tend to alternate between heavy and deep and loopy and weird.
And I pray... I pray for the Moms up with their newborns... awake in the wee small hours of the night. I think of what time it is in Sweden and how my friend's day is starting. I'm hoping my friend in CA is sleeping and getting some rest.
I marvel at how fast my kids are growing and changing and how sometimes, in the thick of it, in the drudgery and dirty diapers it feels like it's taking forever, and then other moments I feel like I blink and my kids have aged so much.
I wrestle with my anxiety... the usual ones, am I doing okay as a parent? as a teacher? as a caregiver? as a wife? friend? do I have what it takes? and the unusual ones.... why am I getting pimples at my age? Did I remember to floss my kids teeth?
Even though I'm changing and fickle my God is not. He's steady and faithful and good. Which is really amazing.
My son has been screaming at me lately. Well, that's actually a pretty normal thing. But he's yelling at me again and again, "Life is NOT fair!" and I tell him, "that's right buddy, it's not."
But yesterday I actually stopped in wonder and turned to him and said, "It's a good thing it's not fair. It's a good thing we're not getting what we deserve. We get Jesus and grace and forgiveness." He took punishment in our place. He who did no wrong. He who perfectly obeyed. We were given mercy. He took the wrath. And not only that but then we were given favor... all the good credited to Him is applied ot us. All the righteousness is given to us. It's kind of crazy.
So yeah, life isn't fair. We get dealt rough bargains sometimes... but overall we have been given so much, it's not fair. We are blessed. I'm not living in fear of being killed in war, murdered by insurgents. I'm not worried about my kids starving or a roof over my head or clothes to wear. I'm not afraid of my sins... because the price has been paid. I'm justified, declared righteous. And so I have bounty. Above and beyond what I need.
My birthday is around the corner (June 3rd) and I've been thinking about how I want to spend that day. It's a marker that causes reflection for me... I reflect on the past year and anticipate, imagine and dream about what is to come in this year.
I think about what can I give to someone else... I often like to donate my blood or plasma (Red Cross) or my hair to Locks of Love... or do something kind for someone else. I love to give. I'm not sure what it will look like this year.
I hope to go to the beach and soak in the sun and watch my children push their toes in the sand and admire the broken shells that litter the edge of the surf and taste the salt on my skin, in my hair, on my lips and breathe. Breathe deeply.
I'm alive. I'm still here.
This world is broken and sad and confusing. I have been battered along by the storms and waves but I'm here.
I'm going to overcome.
Not in my own strength. But in the strength that is given me through the Holy Spirit.
I'm not just going to survive but thrive. I'm going to take the longer walks and pause and admire the piece of nature that has arrested my child's attention.
I'm going to keep singing out loud in the grocery store and embarrassing my kids. I'm going to drink an iced tea and savor the day.
I'm going to clean and I'm going to rest. I'm going to picnic under the magnolia tree in my backyard and read out loud to the kids.
I'm going to make strawberry ice cream... and taste the tartness of lemonade. I'm going to sweat. I'm going to keep working out. I'm going to eat healthy and sometimes I'm going to blow it. I'm going to keep juicing and making smoothies and using my nutribullet. I'm going to bake chocolate chip cookies with the kids on a rainy day.
Because I'm alive and it's a gift... and sometimes I forget that. Sometimes in my longing for Heaven. Sometimes in my longing for Jesus to please return I forget that I'm here for a purpose. I ache for what is to come. For death to be no more. No sickness or sadness or mourning or tears... but in the meantime there is this life that is to be lived. And I have a sweet Savior who keeps changing me and molding me more into His likeness, into His image.
And there it is, a yawn. A reminder that I am mere flesh and am in need of sleep. And that the heavy ponderings of the early morning can be stowed away for another time.