Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Mornings, Motherhood, and the things I hold on to.

I've been waking up every morning before six. Before the alarm clock goes off. Before one of my children creep into bed with me and start patting my head or asking me if they can have cookies for breakfast or other such nonsense.

I've been exercising 3 days a week. It's been exciting. And on these "off" days where I'm not exercising I'm awake and thinking and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and anxious.

I'm an overthinker. I take things way down the road... way past what the day actually presents. If I look at my future too far out I get scared. I get overwhelmed and fearful and I feel condemned and sad and depressed and blank. But if I tell myself I can get through this moment. That I'm okay right now. Right here in the present, then I tend to be able to hold on until I can gain a hold on reality.

I'm juggling the needs of a large household: laundry, dishes, meals, etc. I'm holding people I care about that are hurting close to my heart. Those who are experiencing deep trials, grief, loss, heartache, disappointment, and the simple truth that life often really hurts. I'm holding gratitude for a home to live in and clean water to drink, hot showers and baths, food in our fridge. But I'm also holding the sinking feeling of being behind: bills that need to be paid but we need to space them out so there's money for them, doctors appointment and dentist appointments that need to be made, calls to SSI & Medicaid and Long-term care, and Ed/Cd waivers, and the plethora of applications, verifications, and other frustrations.

This disappointment I have in accomplishing so much and yet being unable to "keep up" or "move forward."

This beautiful gift that reminds me of my daily, hourly, moment-by-moment need for a Savior. That reminds me I CAN NOT do it all. That God is sufficient. That He allows me to do what I need to do in a day. That His grace covers my lack, my inability, my weakness.

That part of my authenticity is in my ability to express need. I can't do it all. I'm not superwoman or wonderwoman. I'm tired woman. Tired woman who is constantly crying out to the Lord, "Jesus, help me!" or "Help me Jesus!"

My days are full of the wonderful and the horrible. The fantastic and the mundane. The exhausting and the empowering. A life that seems so full of contradictions. But isn't that so much of what I believe? We give in order to receive. We love those who hate us. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. The weak made strong. The poor are blessed.

I''m baffled by how prone I am to forget God in the midst of my life and my day. I think somehow that I have to manage on my own (as if I could!) and pull myself up by my boot straps and accomplish all the things I ever think of that pop into my head that are "good ideas".

God is reminding me in His tender and loving way that I need Him. That I can do NO GOOD THING APART FROM HIM! That I can ask Him again and again to help me, strengthen me, encourage me. He can show me what I need to prioritize. He can lead me beside still waters. He restores my soul for His name's sake.

So once again I am yielding. I am surrendering myself to Him and His ways and asking Him to lead me. I want Him to be the one to show me what to do and what is important. To help me see the needs that He sees. To not overlook what He has for me today because I do not deem it important or worthy of my time and attention. I can rest that He is holding the world and spinning the earth and controlling the universe and the planet and stars that He set in motion. That is not my hand sustaining breath and life... it is His. I can rest in His goodness and mercy. That he has promised to never leave or forsake me.

And the fear that grips me and wants to choke me can be released. I am His. And I give Him my day's concerns and anxieties. Lord, these are yours. Your children. Do as you will. Take the burdens of the broken hearted that I try to carry. They are too heavy for me, but not too heavy for you. Help me to love like you today. Thank you that you forgive my failings and accept me in my weakness. Help me to rest.

Little feet are running outside my door. The chair is moved in the kitchen to reach the cereal. I hear their morning chatter. The day has begun. But I am not afraid. For He goes with me and He always will.

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