Mind the Bump.

Feeling pregnant. I mean I know I'm over halfway there at 22 weeks but recently I just really feel it. Now yeah, I've been sick and dizzy and have to go to the bathroom FREQUENTLY, etc. but now it's that round firm tummy that reminds me, "Yep. You're really pregnant girl."

I just visited a very dear friend of mine who just had her first baby. A beautiful, healthy girl. I was smitten as soon as I laid eyes on her. Little Simone was wrapped in blankets her hair was soft and beautiful and dark... and her little blueberry eyes were active and interested in all around her. What a dolly.

As I stood rocking her I imagined, "what if this pregnancy is different? What if I get to hold him after I give birth? What if he's not strapped down with tubes protruding everywhere? What if he comes home without the accessories of an apnea monitor, oxygen or feeding tube? What if he's healthy? What if he's full-term..." It all seems unreal and dreamlike to me... but I hope. I really hope that would happen.

Wouldn't it be nice to have an uneventful labor and delivery? I mean, what if I was normal? The thought makes me smile.

YET I choose to believe that God is good no matter what happens. Even if he comes pre-mature. Even if he has health issues. ETC.

Letting go of my false sense of control is a good thing. It's in His hands.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now and am crying openly. I'm listening to Held.

Held- Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....


This song resonates in my heart. I know what it is for the sacred to be torn from my life and survive. I was reminded again today. Every time a close friends baby is born I am reminded once again... my sister didn't make it. My nephew didn't make it. There is this mixture of absolute relief that my friend and baby are fine. There is the pain of "Why not Libby?" Complicated, huh?

I feel so full of layers of emotions. The happy, the sad, the anxiety, the relief, the grief, the joy- I'm just this crazy mixed concoction... you never know what you're going to get with me.

Someday I will be on the other side. Til then, holding onto God... really, He's holding onto me.

Comments

Oh Jenn, When I just read your post I sat and cried. The love you have for Libby is so strong. I love that song Held too. It is so amazing. You are such an awesome women, mommy, wife, sister and friend. (and so much more) I am so blessed to have you as a friend. I love you.
Ashleigh said…
Jennifer, keep hoping and believing for the best, dear friend. I understand your complicated emotions in my own way -- grief is a strange, complex issue that never goes away, huh? Ted and I were just talking about that last night. Praying your sweet little boy is full-term, healthy, and immediately ready to be embraced by his momma's arms. Love you!

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