In a recent e-mail to a dear friend I wrote the following...

"I feel guilty. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I'm sad. I'm so grateful for everyone showing up Saturday. For the generous hearts of those around us. For the multitude of people who served. I am very thankful. But right now my heart is sad. I feel a little overwhelmed and lonely. I know God is near me. I know I have friends who love me and a husband who is precious and crazy about me and children that are wild but very dear.... and yet, I am reminded that I need to be filled with God's love. Only He can truly satisfy the needs and desires of my heart.

And even if my house is clean and the dishes are done and the laundry is done. And even if the car is working, clean, and full of gas. And even if my children, are clean, fed, and well-behaved. And even if my husband is romantic and passionate and serving me. And even if I were to own the house I live in and have the right furniture and cutlery and dishes... and every kitchen gadget I'd ever want... Even if all was perfect and ideal... my heart would not be satisfied. It was not made to be satisfied by these temporary things... only God. Only He can meet me and love me and know me fully. He knows why I'm sad even right now. I take extreme comfort in that.

And although I recognize that I'm struggling with hormones and the after effects of having a great event and then having a low after... and also wishing I had some delicious chocolate to munch on... even though these things play a part in my sadness... I am thankful that I am once again reminded of my need for Him... and also to be able to recognize that what needs to change is not my circumstances... what need to change is my heart."

I wrote this e-mail last night. And it's true today. Not so much the sad bit but the sweet reminder of my need for God. My need to be filled and to recognize that I was made for another place. And it wasn't here. And not all my problems are solved... nor will they ever be until I reach the other side.

My hope is in Jesus. I know that He is continuing to change me and one of the beautiful things He is doing is reminding me that this is not it. My hope doesn't lie in this world. It rests in Him and spending eternity with Him.

I miss my precious sister. I so wished she was alive and could have been at Saturday's event. It was such an amazing time and such a blessing. I can envision her there with a baby on her hip and a smile on her face talking to others and I could imagine she and I spending time together this week and reflecting on God's goodness and the generosity of others... and so many other things.

But that's not to be. She's in Heaven. She's already run her race. She is already present with the Lord. She sees Jesus face to face. She has no need for hope... because she can see with her eyes. I am trusting in what I have yet to see.

And oh what kindness to be reminded that even if all were ideal and together... even if every material possession were mine and every relationship fantastic it would not be enough... my heart would long for more. Because what I need is eternal... it's not temporary or momentary.

And it's a good thing I am reminded of that because last night my computer went kaput. The screen is blank and would cost between $500-$1,000 to repair. Bummer. It's not worth it.... I've had my wonderful Mac for 5 years now and what a blessing it has been! How many countless stories I have told because of it... and how many pictures were stored. I'm hoping to be able to get all the material moved to an external harddrive. Fingers crossed.

Trusting God. And again thankful... it's just a thing. A thing I loved and valued and appreciated because i use it all the time and it allows me to be creative... but a thing nonetheless.

Tomorrow is a new day. I sit in a comfortable room on my comfortable bed. My children are alive, sleeping peacefully in their beds. There is food in my cupboard. There are clothes on their bodies. My cup indeed runs over...


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