Sometimes i dangerously get trapped inside my head. I don't seem to be able to function and I fall into this hole inside myself that I can't seem to escape. I want to desperately get out of my thoughts, my feelings, my self-centeredness but I find myself moving as though a zombie or robot- stiff, expressionless and emotionless.... and horribly vacant.
I tire of the rut: the dishes, the laundry, the diapers, the potty training, the meal-making, the floor sweeping, the carpet vacuuming, the whining, griping, hitting, puking, peeing, pooping, mess-making, questioning, arguing, long-distance driving, errand running, tear wiping, bed jumping, bedtime sighing, self-denying, blatant lying, logic defying, fiercely crying, horribly trying, crazy defining days.
So here's the thing- that makes me a bad mom. Yep, because I am required to do those things to care for my family. BUT here's the good news. God is alive in me. His Holy Spirit is at work so even though I'm tired and burnt out and don't want to do those things... He will help me. Any good that you see me doing towards my husband and my children is not of me... but of the Lord!
And although I'm tired and headachey I can still tell myself truth. I can preach at myself in the middle of the night. I cling to my Savior from my desperate wretchedness. Faithful Jesus will carry me. He will sustain me. Never leave or forsake me. That is my hope.
So when I find myself about to lose it tomorrow... or actually later today (in a few more hours) I hope that I will turn to my Savior... or sprint towards Him and say, "Help! I can't do this apart from you!" And if I don't. If I end up yelling or feeling sorry for myself or sitting on the floor crying... I will be okay... because there is grace and forgiveness... and I only have to ask.
...."His blood can make the foulest clean,
His blood availed for me..."