Broken fingers & Broken hearts.

I'm writing by Christmas tree candle light, in the early morning hours, after sending the four out the door with Papa (Mike). This morning wasn't unusual in any particular way except that it felt difficult. I needed to provide money for Michael to go to "Santa's workshop" at school.Libby couldn't find her P.E. shoes. Ian spilled pink powder all over the kitchen floor. Children were more demanding than usual about getting milk. Notes had to be written to teachers. Coffee & protein drink for Mike. Cleaning up dishes. Rallying them to cooperate with me.

And I'm so tired. And anxious.

This week-end Mike and I decided to leave our home as the property was going to be taken over by a billion guys in camouflage and airsoft guns. My brother is the proud owner of Ballahack Airsoft and had an "op" this weekend. It's pretty awesome but it meant that the land would be full of people, vehicles, and we wouldn't be able to go outside. So we went to the Outer Banks. My in-laws graciously allowed us to use their beautiful beach house in Nags Head, NC.

I was excited to have some fun down time as a family. It was a little crazy packing up especially with it being so spontaneous. I must confess amazement at how fast we were able to get everything packed up for all 7 of us and how quickly we got out the door!

We settled the kids down for bedtime as soon as we arrived and Mike and I got to have some time to talk. The next morning the kids awoke at 6:20 which I guess is sleeping in since they have to wake up at 5:30 on school days. Mike held them off for a few hours allowing me to get a little more shut-eye.

Things seemed to be going fine. I was getting ready for the day when I heard a loud noise, Mike yelling, and Michael screaming. Ian had smashed Michael's hand in the door. A very heavy door. I walked out to find Michael sitting at the kitchen table with tears rolling down his cheeks and blood pouring out of his right hand onto his yellow sweatshirt and all onto the floor. Mike was already at the sink wetting paper towels and I grabbed a few more and we put pressure on Michael's hand.

It looked bad. I mean really bad. I was concerned that one of his fingers might have been severed. I directed Mike to give Michael ibuprofen and I sprung into action grabbing my purse and putting on slippers while grabbing a few hospital essentials... a book, some granola bars and fruit snacks, a sippy cup and the IPad. I felt calm. That serene gift of adrenaline and shock propelling me forward.

I was fine driving him until I thought about the hospital and then I started to freak out. So I called my parents to talk me down. This wasn't the first time I've called them semi-hysterical about a child in medical crisis and heard their voices and calmed down.

I felt sick as my mom's phone kept ringing with no answer. I called my Dad and he picked up on the first ring. I knew this was probably prime-time airsoft time and both of my parents were working so I was thankful to reach them. Through tears I explained to my parents what happened and I asked them to pray. I felt revived when I hung up the phone. I scooped up Michael and carried him to the E.R. and asked for help.

The OuterBanks Hospital was kind, professional & efficient. They triaged Michael immediately and after getting his blood pressure, temperature and a lengthy medical history they put us in a room. The doctor who saw us was amazing. He was compassionate and had 7 kids of his own. I felt quickly at ease. After examining Michael's hand he told me that he thought the best option was to x-ray and then splint Michael. One option could have been to numb Michael up with lydocaine and then remove the finger nail that was cut all the way at the base of the nail bed but he didn't want to go that route because he said it would be traumatic and painful for Michael. So Michael had an x-ray which was excruciating because we had to get him to lay his broken finger flat when it was bent, twisted and distorted. After the x-ray we saw that the tip of his finger was fractured and that the bone was in fragments. They washed him with soapy water and then splint and bandaged him. We were released with a prescription for STRONG antibiotics and the promise that we would follow up with an orthopedic doc.

Needless to say this emergency trip to the hospital cast a bit of a shadow on our trip. Uncle John came to visit us though and it was a great distraction for the kids.

Ian was a bit anxious about his standing with us. He asked if he could still come back home to the white house... (our house is white) and if he was still allowed to be apart of the family. We explained to him that we love him. That accidents happen and that he would always be in our family- NO MATTER WHAT!!!

So here I am today, sitting at the kitchen table with it's red table cloth covered in beautiful white snowflakes eating the remains of Ian's donut from this morning and a cup of milk. Thankful that everything is what it is and not so much worse as it could have been.

But I'm struggling with anxiety. Mike is taking his G.R.E.'s at 1 p.m. I know this test is really important. He's applying for a Ph.D. at UVA and this test is a requirement.

And then there's my minor medical procedure this week. I'm having a MINOR breast biopsy done on the 7th. The 7th of December. The day my sister would have turned 30. I've been having pain in my left breast. And when the did a scan they saw a shadow and they could feel something there.... So, to be safe I'm getting a biopsy. Doctor believes it's a cyst or a fibroid adenoid (sp?), I think that's what it's called.

And did I mentioned we just found out recently that we were dropped from insurance. We never received a letter or notice of action... nothing. We had coverage til October 31st. Thankfully the kids are still on Medicaid but apparently Mike made a $100 too much.... So, yeah, even though he hasn't had but one day of work in the past month... we lost coverage.

I want to cancel the procedure but Mike thinks it's important so I'm going through with it. And beside, it will be good to be out of pain.

And then there's the 7th... And all that it means. I've been missing my sister so bad. And it feels strange to think she would have turned 30. And it's too hard to explain how my heart still breaks and how much I wish things were different. That my kids would have cousins to play with. And how my sister would be with me to do things that sisters do together... and to just talk with her and cry and laugh with her... There's too much to say about this....

My way of coping and dealing with the stress has been to store the tension in my body. My back and hips are paying for it with huge knots. In addition when I'm anxious I try to figure out a way to make EVERY THING work out. My mind has been desperately seeking ways to take control and I get consumed with finding answers, being efficient, and somehow making things bend to my will. Or imagining that it will.... LOL

But I am trying to pry my fingers off this idea of control that I have. I'm trying to relinquish it to the Lord and say, "Not my will but yours be done." If He cares for the sparrows and provides for their needs... will He not also care for me?

I'm going to go walk for 30 minutes and take deep breaths. And then get a shower... which is equivalent to spa time in my book. And maybe take a nap while Peter is napping...

If the Lord is for me than who can be against me? What can separate me from his love?

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(Romans 8:31-39 ESV)

Bold emphasis mine.


Natasha said…
Praying for you Jenn!
Mixue said…
His GRACE is sufficient - moment by moment. You and your family are daily living proof of that truth!

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