Friday, April 11, 2014

Normal... or not?

I like the idea of being normal. But I'm not. Nothing about my life has been "normal" for a long time. And what does normal even really mean? My husband teases me at times over this. I try desperately to fit in and be "normal". But our life has been anything but.

I was talking with a friend when I came to the realization of what I meant, when I was saying I wanted to be "normal", what I'm really saying is I want to be understood. I want people to "get" me. And I realize most people don't. Most people don't know what it is to have a "big family" or have kids with special needs (cancer and cerebral palsy). I find myself trying so hard have someone understand me and it just doesn't happen.

In fact, I sometimes find myself in pain because people misunderstand me or my children or our intentions, etc. I really have had to let go of being understood. And not just being understood but being accepted. And this is really difficult and very hard. I want people to care about what I'm saying. I want them to understand where I'm coming from, what I've walked through. But this truly can't happen most of the time.

The comforting thing is that God knows. He truly knows me. My situations. My circumstances. My motivations. My feelings. My difficulties and struggles and why they are what they are. I am known by Him. And I have to surrender myself to the truth that that is enough.

That said, I am also very thankful for the people that ask me how I truly am doing. It is a comfort to look someone in the eye and see that they care and are listening to my response not merely performing a polite customary ritual. I am grateful for people that want to hear the deeper things and understand beyond the surface. And I hope this is helping me grow in my capacity to listen, to care and to love others.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for Jesus. Don't you think He wished He could explain things to others. To have them understand His heart, intentions and motivations. Yet He was satisfied with the Father knowing. He allowed Himself to be treated unjustly, misunderstood, falsely accused, wrongly judged... on my behalf, so that I can know and be loved and accepted by God the Father.

Thank you Jesus for suffering in my place. Thank you that you know the pains and hurts in this life and that you bore the suffering I deserved. Thank you that by being united with you, I can also share in your inheritance.... in you I have perfect standing, perfect righteousness before God the Father. I love you Jesus. Thank you that you love me for all my normalities and abnormalities and for loving me anyway!












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