Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Surgery, Sizzles and Losing Sanity...

Michael had his much anticipated and awaited for surgery last week. He had 9 teeth extracted (we were anticipating 4). His teeth have suffered so much damage from him having been born premature, cleft palate, a feeding tube for over 5 years, and severe reflux. The acid produced from sucking on his hand and dealing with reflux and g-tube feeds have contributed to every teeth needing either serious repair or removal. His surgery was referred to as "dental rehabilitation".

He did great before surgery and great during but he was so traumatized when he came to that they pulled me into the PACU to calm him down. Of course all he wanted was to suck his hand and that stimulated blood flow from his poor mouth... We got it worked out after I convinced the nurses that he was going to suck on his hand whether we liked it or not (He's been sucking on his hand since he was in the womb)... So we instead focused on keeping his  mouth clean and alternated hand sucking with a wet washcloth. Snuggling in a recliner chair and singing his favorite song to him, All I Have is Christ*, also helped.

Mike was out of town during surgery and so my rock/balance/better half being missing kind of added to the edge. He came home Saturday night and left again early this morning....

For some reason my wallet is missing. It's been missing since Saturday. I have torn the house apart literally and figuratively looking for it. I remember pulling it out at home and then not putting it back. I thought I had left it on a bookshelf but it's missing. We're talking license, debit card, cash, kids insurance cards, zoo membership, library card, etc. We've pulled all bookshelves away from the wall to look behind. We've checked purses, under beds, in the kitchen, bathroom, kids room, etc. I was hoping it got swept up in my scrapbooking supplies which was the last thing I was doing when my wallet disappeared... no luck.

So this is fun. I have no clue where it went to. Hoping that a kid put it in an unlikely place, fridge perhaps?

My Starbucks treat reward expired yesterday and I couldn't use it because my registered Starbucks card was in my wallet. Feeling sad over my first world problems, which are ridiculous in light of the world we live in. People are starving. People are dying because they don't have clean water or basic medical care... and I'm whining over my missed Starbucks opportunity. Suck it up, Jennifer!

Samuel's most recently replaced hearing aid is also missing.... once again, for weeks... missing... this is bad. I have no idea what happened to it. The past two times this has happened we were at medical facilities when he took it out and both places said they never saw it. We tore the house apart weeks ago looking for it. So now he has no hearing aid. Our insurance won't cover it again for another 4-5 years. We're talking thousands of dollars here. :(
Me and Sizzles

But on a happy note there's Sizzles... A sweet lop-eared bunny that was a belated birthday present... for MOI, given to me  the night before Michael's surgery. She's been a fun distraction and joy for myself and my kids. Someone to snuggle and pet. She's so soft! And I think even my not-so-desirous-of-pets husband is warming up to her :) Peter lovingly refers to her as the Easter Bunny...

So missing wallets and hearing aids. And Ian significantly injured his tongue yesterday jumping off a couch and biting his tongue bad. It's bruised swollen and produced enough blood to give a transfusion. Ian started throwing up today. He feels like he has a fever but I can't tell for sure because my temporal scanner is broken. But he's definitely warm. And this after just getting Peter's diarrhea issue of 5 days under control...

Oh irony. Oh life.

The enemy of my soul wants me to despair. He wants me to shriek and give up and give in... and believe me this past week-end that's all I wanted to do... and then grace came in the form of my pastor preaching.... and reminding me that "Blessed are the meek (lowly in spirit and humble)...Blessed are those who mourn" This reminder that Jesus wanted people who are humble, desperate for Him, broken, falling apart... in other words ME. 

And as my three year old Monster sized child insists on eating Ritz crackers all over my bed...  I choose to fix my eyes on things unseen. A belief that there is something better and bigger and more than what I see in front of me- chaos, mess, disorder and not to mention cracker crumbs...

So although my mind is tempted to slowly fall apart and go insane I hang on... Hang on to Christ who is all I have... He is my Rock, my Shelter, My Strong Tower in the storms of this life. He is my Savior, the One who sustains my every breath...

I don't know why my life is what it is. I don't know why my sister Libby and my nephew Sam died. I don't know why I had five kids in such quick succession. I don't know why Samuel had cancer or Michael was born with cerebral palsy. I don't know why some people seem to have such easy lives or at least simpler problems and also why others have it significantly worse than I have it...

I don't have the answers friends. 

And that's where faith comes in. Believing in not what is seen, but what is unseen. Trusting God that His plans are ultimately so much better and good than I could ever imagine and that even when I can't find Samuel's hearing aid and even when my wallet is missing that His plan is better. That there is meaning and purpose in my suffering... even when I don't see it. Even when I don't have the reason.

So even though I need to run to the store for some super-sized pull-ups which are only located at Babies R'Us... and I need a temporal scanner... and I can't do this with a sick child... I trust the Lord. He is in control. I am not. I'm not Him. I don't have the answers. I don't have the power. I don't know and see all. But He does.

So Jesus, Help! I need a bigger vision than what is in front of me. I need your eternal perspective on my situation. Help me to laugh in the midst of the chaos and the things falling apart. Help me to turn to you in the midst of the brokenness inside me and the brokenness in this world. Give me faith to trust you even when I don't see how things will work out or how you will use things for good. Sustain me in the midst of the mundane and the maddening. Forgive me for my anger at you. Anger for things not going my way or going "easy". Thank you that you're faithful to forgive me. Thank you for the five beautiful little lambs that you've entrusted me with. Help me to turn to you with my fears and my pain. Lead me. Guide me. And come again SOON! in Your Name I pray, Amen.

Hang in there friends. He's not finished with me. He's not finished with you. He will redeem and restore. We're not there yet... but someday we will be!









*All I Have is Christ

VERSE 1
I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

VERSE 2But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

CHORUSHallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

VERSE 3Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

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