Tears, Rollerskates, Truth & Comparison.

I don't know what my deal is lately but I've been watching movies that make me cry. Nothing to deep and gut-wrenching like Schindler's List but movies that are more superficial, but yeah, still turn on the waterworks. I have felt very stuffed up lately. I have felt the need to emote but have had no ability to do so. So I watch a sad movie and my tears stream down my cheeks and I think on the things that I really want to cry about and it's rather cathartic.

There's a deep sad in me that has lasted over this past year. It has to do with my heartbreaking. It's led to a depression and deep anxiety to the point that every time I get in the car I think I'm going to die. No joke. Literally every time I drive or allow my husband to drive me I think it's going to be my last moments on earth. No fun. My poor husband.

Grateful to be in therapy and getting help. Grateful even more so for the sunshine lately. For the ability to laugh. And for the emotions God has given us.

It's not always pleasant but that's okay. As my children like to remind me, It's okay to not be okay.

So I've been not okay for a while but I think I'm coming up for a breath. I'm treading water.

Samuel is still sick and we still don't have answers. We went to the skating rink as a family tonight, a fundraiser for church youth camp, and he lasted an hour before he threw up and was ill and needed to go home. At this point Peter and Michael were done skating. Michael had done an excellent job of trying to skate with Mike's help. Poor Peej was tearful and on edge; he didn't understand why skating didn't come naturally to him. I can relate. I'm terrible at skating. It does not come naturally to me either. I tried to encourage him as we sat down and pulled his skates off and put on shoes.

I can relate to that tearfulness. That frustrated cry that comes from looking at others doing something so effortlessly and yet my attempts are flailing, failing, and ultimately falling. Comparison is such a dangerous trap. We were never meant to be anyone other than ourselves. Walking out in that true self can be such a challenge.

I was reading Annie Downs, "100 Days to Brave" and was struck by this passage. She says, "It's hard to believe truth if your mind is flooded with confusion and false stories."

What are the false stories I've been believing? What lies have become a rote part of my natural thought processes that I can't distinguish them from truth?

Here's one I wrestle with... believing I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. I want to add a disclaimer, "I would be fearfully and wonderfully made if only ________________" set a condition. I lost 100 pounds. I styled my hair better. I exercised more. etc. But God says I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Here's the context: Psalm 139: 1-18

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Truth- I am known and I am loved.

What emotions are you wrestling with? What truths do you need to set before you? What lies need to be dispelled?

Grateful our God is big enough to handle us and all our complications. Praising God for His wonderful works. For His precious thoughts about me. His promise to never leave or forsake me. He who never sleeps or slumbers watches over us. And on that note, I will turn in. Rest my head. Meditate on the goodness of the Lord. " I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

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